Ahhh....February, the month of love. Just as soon as the Christmas decorations are taken down, all the stores are flooded with hearts, cards, flowers and great gift suggestions for “that special someone.” Valentines Day is welcomed by some, causes dread in others and contempt in others.
Yet, the idea of those magical, intoxicating feelings of new love are appealing to almost everyone. Remember when you first fell in love? Life was wonderful, we knew that our love was special. Romantic love is intoxicating, in fact, studies have show that love impacts the parts of the brain most heavily affected by addictive drugs. Love affects us in similar ways to cocaine and heroin!
Romantic movies, tv shows and books tell us that love conquers all and if we just find that right person, we can have a perfect and exciting relationship. The problem is that they rarely show life afterwards.
In over 35 years of practice as Marriage and Family counselors, we have seen that most people have that incredible spark, the glow of love early in their relationship. And, it feels great! But, as time goes on, that initial chemistry begins to fade. This is often the point where people question if this relationship is right. “Did I pick the wrong one?” This is a natural response if you are depending on that “high” to continue without putting any work into it.
To keep love alive and glowing (and yes, it can be) requires some effort. You may join a gym but that doesn’t make you physically fit. It requires effort, repetitively several times a week for the rest of your life.
It is the same with relationships, there is choice and effort that is involved.
Most people forget that in the early days of their relationship, they did a lot of nice and caring things for each other. And it was easy! We had the chemistry and we spent a lot of time together. After we got married, we had to focus our attention on jobs, homes, kids, and so much more. While this is normal, if we forget to do some of those small things for our spouse, surprising them with a coffee from their favorite coffee shop, or writing a love note or planning a date night, our romantic feelings will naturally fade. If we want to have the early “boyfriend/girlfriend” relationship, we have to act like boyfriends and girlfriends.
Love requires action, but the good news is that when you do positive things for your partner, it not only helps them feel loved, it actually helps you feel more love toward them.
So, start today doing thoughtful things for your spouse. To make sure that those things are meaningful, each of you make a list of things that would help you feel loved and exchange them. Without discussing them, try to do something for your spouse at least every other day for a month and see what happens in your relationship!
For more information, watch “The Care and Feeding of Your Marriage.”