What We Want You To Know (Episode 100)

Brent and Janis talk about some of the highlights of what they have covered in the first 100 episodes of Life and Love Nuggets.  In this episode they emphasize “What They Want You To Know”.

Transcript:

Welcome to Life and Love Nuggets, where licensed therapists Brent and Janice Sharp share how you can thrive in

your life, your love, and your relationships. Hello, friends. Welcome back to Life and Love Nuggets. We're glad that

you're with us. So here we are. This is kind of a bit of a monumental thing for us. This is our hundredth episode.

100.

We had no idea what was going to happen when we first started this process. We've so enjoyed being with you in

these episodes. We're hoping that there's something that out of these hundred episodes that you've picked up that

is helping you live life more to the full, where you can reflect the nature of the goodness of God into the world

through your life. A few years ago. Wow.

It's easy for you to say.

Started this. We knew were supposed to start it, but we didn't know what was going to happen with it. Our next

birthday is number 70. That's just.

That's months away.

Bizarre. And so it's not like we're trying to build a business or a brand or get more clients or whatever. We're, like, as

busy as we want to be. We don't know that we'll ever stop doing counseling. We think that as long as we can put

words together and people still want to come and talk with us, we feel very purposeful in that. We feel like it's

helpful and productive. We do want to cut back a little bit eventually, but that we know we're supposed to just keep

doing.

Yes, yes. And as far as the podcast, we believe we're supposed to pause for now. We're not saying forever. We may

pick this up in the future. We don't know. But we've got some other projects that we need to work on. We're working

on the 20th anniversary edition of our book, the Making of a Marriage, and we've got a couple other writing

projects that we feel like we really need to do. So this is going to be our last episode for now. And hopefully of the

hundred that we've done, there's something you can get out of that you can reference or you can share with other

people going forward.

And everything we've shared is something that can be used forever in our lives. So it's not like it's about current

events or something. And so. So today we wanted to just simply, if somebody asks us, what do you want to leave

people with? Why? Why did we do this? What do we want people to know? And if so, if were to summarize these

hundred episodes. It would be kind of this. Okay, now, there's a lot of detail, you know, in some of the concepts

we're just going to share for a few minutes that you can go back and reference if you want to think about it more,

study it more. But the first one is we just want you to know you are fearfully and wonderfully made. You've been

created in the image of God. You're unique. There's a reason.

You have a unique thumbprint that separates you from everybody that's ever been. And you represent a part of God

to the world. And to be a blessing to the world, you're. You're the only you. And so be the best you. You're deeply

loved just for being you. Yep. You don't have to earn it. You don't have to prove anything apart from your

performance, apart what other people think about you. You are deeply loved. So that's probably the first, you know,

foundational thing we want you to know.

And to really encourage you to soak in the love of God. Don't just take it as, oh, yeah, God loves me, but soak in

that. Soak in the scriptures that remind you of the goodness and the love of God and his faithfulness. This is really

the key to life, knowing that you are fully loved just as you are. If you're confident in who you are and the value of

what you bring to the world, you don't have to spend all your time chasing things or trying to get people to approve

of you, or trying to make your way in the world. You can be at peace in knowing that you are fully loved. A lot of

people spend a lot of time trying to cover up pain that so often can be healed by just really recognizing the love

that they have from God.

And I would say in our counseling office, so many of the issues, pretty much all of the people that come in with,

there's at least some connection with not feeling truly loved and not.

Feeling truly valued manifests in all different kind of ways. It really does really kind of goes back to that.

Yes. So there's a lot of books that you can read that help, that speak to that issue, that really remind you that you

are God's beloved. So we just encourage you, soak in that. Henri Nouwen is one of my favorites, and he often talks

about, you are the beloved of God and rest in that and rest in his goodness.

And then when you bump into problems or stressors, fears or anxieties, and you will, when you Do. It's really this

opportunity we have to recognize our own dependence on God. It's okay. I'm facing this now. I'm moving back

towards you. God help me with this. Lord have mercy, and he will meet you there. So again, that we can be the

shyness, reflection of his nature, that our. Our light can shine the most brightly when we take our stuff to Him. We

all have stuff in our life that's going to come against us, that's going to try to dim that reflection of God in the world.

And these things have told us who we aren't and that we need to be different, to fit into the world.

That we're never good enough, we can never perform enough.

Absolutely. And so to fit into our family or to fit into the world, we need to be something different. And we all

develop certain coping strategies. That's kind of what we do as humans to manage. How do I fit in? Particularly as

young people, it's how do I. How do I fit? How do I mold myself to the norms or the expectations of whether it's

parents or teachers or coaches or neighbors or, you know, whoever that is. And then eventually, as adults, these

coping strategies, we realize aren't really serving us very well, that they're hindering us, they're limiting us. And so

we have this opportunity once again to take all of that stuff back to God and Lord have mercy. And he is faithful to

meet us there, to transform us back into that original image of who he designed us to be.

And oftentimes he uses. He shows up with skin on him through people, through friends, through family, spiritual

leaders, counselors to help us in that journey. Just know you are not designed to do this on your own. So if you feel

alone, know that there's somebody out there. It might be not 20 people, you know, but there's somebody, a person

or two that God has for you. Now, sometimes we have to move towards them. You know, they might not come and

knock on our door. God sent me to stand with you during this time. We probably have to seek them out in some

ways, but just, you're not alone in this. And so step towards people that have God's nature in them.

I heard not very long ago you were wounded by people, and so you probably will be healed by people that need for

community, that need for relationships. And the best thing we can do for our relationships is take care of

ourselves. We do better in relationships when we are actively working on getting healthy, as we are somewhat

being healed in the relationship. But as we're Getting healthy, we're going to be able to function better in all areas

of our lives, but especially relationships. So we really have to take care of ourselves and to find this inner strength

that can come from God. So that whatever harm comes, however you are wounded by people or circumstances or

whatever you go through, you can handle it because you've got that support, you've got the grace of God that is

walking with you.

And we encourage healthy practices. I mean, the best way to take care of ourselves is to really have healthy

practices. And how many times have we said, a healthy life comes from healthy habits, A healthy marriage comes

from healthy habits. And so it's those little things that we do, the self care, you know, making sure we get enough

rest, making sure we're focused in ways that will help us grow. My favorite, cultivating awe. Looking at the awe and

the wonder in the world around us, being thankful for good. All of those are healthy practices. And we've said many

times, whatever you focus on is going to determine your attitude, whether it's with your spouse, your kids, your job.

If you focus on the problems, if you focus on all the problems in the world, you're going to have a negative outlook.

Things are going to be negative, you'll be anxious, you'll be discouraged. But if we focus on the good, and there's

always good somewhere, that's where we find joy and that's where we find peace. We'd encourage you to keep

learning and growing. There's always new things to learn. There's always something out there and to be with

people that are different than you are. We learn a lot. Even if we're challenged with ideas, with perceptions, we just

don't. We don't want to get stuck. We don't want to be those old people that are stuck in their ways and they're not

going to change. Just like I said, we don't want to be old married folks. We don't want to be old people. Even if we

are almost 70, we still don't want to be old people.

And one of my main pieces of advice is to seek adventure. There's adventure in everyday life, but there's adventure

in things that you haven't done before. It's so good for you and it's so good for your brain to get out of your comfort

zone, to try new things, to go new places, to not be afraid of things that are different, because it does. It helps you

grow. And then read. We're big proponents of reading. Reading all kinds of things, not only reading Professionally

to help you in your profession, helping you devotionally, reading your Bible, reading encouraging books, things that

remind you of the goodness of God and draw you to them. Self care, how to stay healthy, how to exercise to

prevent Alzheimer's. Not that's ever entered my mind, but ways to really maintain your health in all ways.

And then, and I would say real quick, I would say some people, we say read, they're just like. Their response is, stick

forks in my eyes. Okay, yes.

Which we don't recommend.

Don't recommend that. But we have. We're in a technology world now. You can listen to stuff. I listened to. We've

studied marriage for 40 some years and on a run this morning, I was listening to a podcast and there was a nuance

about marriage that I thought, oh, I've not thought of it that way. That was awesome. And so listen to stuff. If for

some reason you can't read, listen to it.

Well, listening to an audiobook is reading. Clients all the time will go, no, I don't ever read. But I listened to. Yeah,

that's reading. It's getting new information. And then we always encourage people to have some kind of a fiction

book going. We love. I think you were, I don't know how old you were before you started reading fiction.

I used to only read serious stuff when I had a pen in my hand and a highlighter and I was studying or something

like that. And you just read for fun and you got lost up in these stories and I was so jealous. And I just remember

the first book I read that's like, oh, my gosh. Yeah, I relax. I think were on a plane at the time and. And were like,

there before I knew it. I said, oh, my gosh, this is what happens in her. She gets caught up in this story and it's

relaxing. It's one of the most relaxing things I do in my life.

Well, I say it gives us emotional rest because you get outside your normal life and you're in a whole different place

just by sitting there reading a book.

And it can be a good alternative to addictive social media scrolling. Another thing is recognize clearly what you can

control in your life and focus on that. Actually, there's very little that we actually are in control of. Most things that

we think we are in control of are just smoke and mirrors, you know, and so most of life is outside of our control.

And if we try to control those things, we are going to end up anxious or depressed or angry. So I always say you

can kind of Reverse engineer this. If you're feeling anxious and fearful and depressed and angry, then you're

probably trying to control something you have no control over. And so focus on that God has put in front of you

that you can actually do something about.

Yes.

And realize the part that our phones and computers and social media play in all this process, it shows us more and

more things that we have no control over.

Ye.

And of course, just all the ways that they try to grab your attention is going to be, you know, all the sensational kind

of stuff that you know is just going to grab a title or whatever and can so easily get pulled into stuff that you can't

do anything about. This is why we have a very highly fearful and anxious world because of that. So be in charge of

that. Manage that. Don't let it manage you. Be in charge of what you're feeding on and don't let all the mediums

available today pull you away from things that you can actually do about. And actually give your life to technology.

Fast are a really good idea. Just saying I'm going to give up technology for this long. Whether it's for some people,

an hour a day, a weekend, whatever, just being away from technology really can help reset your brain. Other thing

that we want to encourage you to do is learn how to develop a balance in your life with work, play, rest and

worship. The way our life is, it's so easy to get out of balance. A lot of times we're working and working and we

don't take time to really rest and to really have Sabbath or solitude. As I said, we've got to get some break from

screens and play. We have to learn as adults how we can play, how we can get away from everything and get into

something that you truly enjoy so you forget everything.

I think that's why pickleball's so popular right now, because people can go and compete on the court and forget

everything else that's going on. And I think that's why some people play for hours. So we do have to work, but we

also need to play. And we as humans need rest and we need worship in order to really have a good rhythm of life

that is life giving and that is sustainable. That we're not going to burn out at 35 or 45 or whatever, getting that good

balance in your life. And then we say love your neighbor as you love yourself. But those have to be in healthy

balances with each other. You know, twos on the Enneagram will love their neighbor so much. That oftentimes

they're lacking in something in themselves.

So having that balance between I take care of myself, but I also love and care for those around me and.

Realize that all human relationships are an opportunity for us to practice love. We've been made in the image of

God, we're to reflect him in the world and a lot of that is to love. And so these relationships that we have are just an

opportunity to practice that and it forms us more into his likeness. The greatest love is what we would consider

self giving love where we don't need anything in return. I'm not giving to you so that you'll get back to me. It's I'm

giving to you just as a gift to you. This reflects the love of God. Well, therefore, again, that's why we need to take

care of ourself so that you can have something to give. We say that some people's lives are like a pitcher being

poured out, but their picture gets poured out and doesn't get refilled.

And so seasons of life, when you have young children or in certain different roles that we have in life, you're going

to be giving and serving others and you can't expect them to give back to you. So you've got to take care of you so

that you have something to give.

And those are the very times that you have to say, I need rest, I need to pull away and I need play. And it feels

selfish at the time because you're giving and giving with little kids or some stress in your life. But those are the very

times that you need it so that you don't end up down the road having issues in your body or in your relationships.

And you know, many of our podcasts have related referenced marriage. You know, that's a passion in our life. We

love to help couples thrive in their relationships. And marriage is one of those human relationships that's this daily

opportunity to practice love. Healthy marriages get a reasonable amount of both people's needs met. We are not

going to get all of our needs met from this one person. That would be idolatry. We'd be worshiping this person. It

just needs to be fair. And there are two key pathways we talked about for marriages to thrive. One of those is

making sure that you're feeding your marriage well. Most people, most marriages are suffering with malnutrition.

We talked about this idea in early courtship. We have what we call a face to face relationship. It's you and me, baby,

against the world.

And we're doing all this stuff towards that person and it feels amazing. We call it the unoffendable zone. It's almost

impossible to offend each other. We thought that's what the next 75 years is going to look like with this person.

Nobody told us we're going to get about 18 months where that's easy. And then we turn side to side and we have

jobs and we have bab. We take care of all this kind of stuff. And so all of those demands of life, we jam pack our

lives full of all of that stuff. And we have to pay attention to those things because they're squeaky wheels. If we

don't show up for a job, we won't have a job the next day.

Our kids, all those kind of responsibilities just clamor for our attention and often leaving us at the end of the day,

very little to give towards our marriages. And so we just simply. It happens to everybody. Nobody decides to do

this or plans to do it. And so we just need to be aware of that and learn, work on good, healthy practices. Again,

just what you said a minute ago, healthy marriages have good, healthy habits. They're just these consistent things,

these rhythms of life on how we love and care for each other. Feeling. The principle is feelings follow behavior.

They are a byproduct of behavior. So when couples come in saying that they don't feel the same way they did

towards their partner early, it's simply a sign to us that the behaviors in the relationship have changed.

Instead of the behaviors going towards the marital relationship and feeding it goes towards everything else. We'll.

The feelings will change, you know, they'll drop off. The good thing about that is we get to be in charge of our

behaviors and we can learn new ways of loving, new ways of caring towards our partner. The feelings will come

alive. It is the way it works. And so know that you are. It's actually one of the things you can control a bit. By turning

your behavior towards each other in a very, in very specific, simple ways, you actually can control the level of

feelings that you have. Feelings will come alive again.

Yeah. And we talk throughout the episodes. We talked, we've talked about love nuggets, small thoughtful things

you can do for each other, date night partings and reunions. I mean, appreciation, really affirming each other. We

talk about all of those at different podcasts. Those are practical things that we can do, though. Don't do a date

night without listening to our stuff on date night or it might not go well. So we have our guidelines that really make

a difference. But the second thing that we have to work on really, to have a healthy marriage is to develop a healthy

pattern of problem solving. We're going to have conflict in a marriage. You can marry what you think is the perfect

person, but they don't do things right. Eventually, eventually we're going to find out that they don't do things.

And it's like, you think, what, are you kidding me? I remember one of our first fights after we moved into our

apartment. Our first fight, I think, was where we put the crock pot in the kitchen.

Absolutely.

You were going to put the cereal there. And I'm like, everybody knows that cabinet is for the crock pot. What are

you thinking?

Oh, my God.

But we don't know how in our. In our society, we're not taught how to resolve conflict.

I'm just really bad at it.

And so we just sweep it under the rug, or we just bark at each other for a while and then separate and go our

different ways. And eventually we begin to disconnect more and more. And so we have to learn how to deal with

the conflict in a productive and positive way so that we can get into a Words are failing me. So that we can come

up with solutions that will work for both of us. If we continue just stuffing things, then we can easily get into that

wrong and right thinking. You don't agree with me, so you must be wrong. And I'm going to really convince you of

how wrong you are. But it's realizing that we're going to have differences, but there are solutions if we know how to

work through them. But it does take work.

And so we've talked about ways to break out of unhealthy patterns. We coach couples in a. In a way that I guess

we. I think we should have been learning this in junior high school. You know, it's just not in the curriculum. You

know, a way to walk through an issue where we don't see things the same way and come up, find common ground.

So there's ways to learn these things. Okay. And couples can make pretty quick progress if they put some energy

and time to this. So obviously, we're talking about the importance of healthy relationships, friendship, family

relationships, the importance of marriage relationships, the important relationship with ourselves and being able to

respect ourselves. And so the challenge with loving deeply is that we will also hurt deeply.

The more deeply you love people, if you lose them or if something goes awry in a relationship, you're going to hurt

deeply. This is God Made us vulnerable in this way. And we just simply have to realize this is going to happen. It's a

part of life. We believe that we're all grieving something all the time. And most grief is not the death of a loved one.

Now, some certainly is, but most grief is a loss of a dream or the loss of an ideal. And so in our family, we have

right now 16, number 17 is on the way with our four kids and their spouses and grandchildren.

And there's always something in one of their lives that feels a bit like a loss, that something happened in their

school that we're sad about, or somebody's job's not going very well, or a child struggling here or there. And so it's

just going to happen. We're all going to face that loss of a dream or loss of an ideal, and we don't get a skip grief.

And so one of the keys is learning how do we grieve in a healthiest way possible so that we don't get stuck in our

grief, but that we actually move through it. God knew were all going to be experiencing this, and so he had a way

for us to be able to strengthen through it. But, boy, in the middle of it can be really.

It can be overwhelming and horrible.

And so our grief is just simply messy. But the principle is you have to let yourself feelings to fix them, so we don't

just get to stick it off in a closet and pretend it's not there. And so allowing ourselves to. To be genuine and real

and honest with our real feelings is key. You're not meant to grieve alone. We believe that God has one or two safe

people for everybody. It's not going to be 20 these people that hold confidence, these people that are not trying to

fix us, not trying to give us easy, simple little answers, but are just present. And so knowing that if you're going

through a difficulty, there's somebody out there now, you might have to reach out to them.

But this also helps us know what we can actually then do for others, how we can be a safe person for others as

well. And so it's really showing up for others and being the hands and face of God to them, and then looking for

God in the hand and face of others.

Excuse me. We've been through a lot of pain in our lives. We've had a number of things happen over the years, and

we've been through a lot of pain. And one of the things that I've learned that I find Myself sharing with people that

are clients is life is long. You're going to go through things and you're going to get over them. They will pass at

some point. It's painful in the midst of it. Grief is hard, but life is long and you have a lot more life ahead. But we

have to be careful to not carry the bitterness and the resentment that can come sometimes with that pain.

Because we'll miss so much of what God has for us if we stay stuck in that.

If we keep rehearsing that thing over and over again, we can easily get stuck in that and we miss the goodness

that God has. And so I think one of the things that I've learned that we've learned a lot over the years is to walk in

forgiveness, ask God to help you see others the way he does. He sees each person as his child, the one he loves.

And even just considering someone as a child gives you more empathy or more compassion for them. He

understands that hurt people are going to hurt people. That's just part of life. And he's not surprised when some of

his kids hurt some of his other kids. He knows that people do hurtful things out of their own brokenness. And as

we're to forgive, we look at him and go, he is so quick to forgive.

He is so loving and kind to forgive all of us.

Yeah. And if you said a really important statement, walk in forgiveness, a lot of people will say to me, they'll tell me

about a hurtful situation. They'll go, but I've forgiven them. Yet they're still upset and frustrated, you know. And

there I said, well, you probably have decided you want to start forgiving them. One of our episodes, we talked about

the process of forgiveness and what that actually looks like and that forgiveness is a one way street. God can give

us the ability to forgive someone even if they don't change. It really has nothing to do with them. A lot of times

we're waiting on the person to change. We're waiting on them to say they're sorry. A lot of times that's just not

going to happen. But God can free us by helping us be able to forgive.

It's Jesus on the cross, Father, forgive them. They don't know what they're doing. So cultivate a vision, as you

mentioned, of others in their brokenness and realize that out of their needs and weaknesses, many people will

choose badly and can end up hurting us. And also know that forgiveness and trust are totally different things.

Where forgiveness is a one way street has Nothing to do with them. Trust is a two way street and trust is earned.

Trust requires change on others parts for them to own what they've done and for them to confess and repent and

be committed to turning a corner and living differently towards us. And it's going to have to last long enough until

we really feel like that we can trust them.

Many people confuse the fact that if I forgive somebody, it means I just need to throw my arms wide open and

receive them back into my life.

And act like nothing happened.

And act like nothing happened. That would be foolish in some ways. There will be people that we will be able to

walk in forgiveness with, but because there's not been any change on their part, we will never trust them because

they're not trustworthy. Either a person is trustworthy or not. And so understand that. And understand that we can

move our life towards forgiveness to all people, regardless of what they do. But trust is a different matter.

And then we have to extend forgiveness to ourselves. People have such a hard time forgiving themselves. They'll

say, but I should have known better. Well, when scripture says all have sinned, it means all. You are not alone. We're

going to all mess up. We're going to say and do stupid things, we're going to commit sins. All of us are human and

so we're going to mess up in some ways. The important thing is to repent, to just bring it to God. Now you may

need to go to somebody else and ask forgiveness as well, a safe person. But then we need to let it go. Not allow

something from a long time ago to haunt us, but to let it go. And to know that we can walk in forgiveness of

ourselves, but we have to repent.

And repent just means, as you said, change your ways, change the direction that you're going to change what

needs to be changed and then let it go. Let yourself be free. We've got a church near our house that oftentimes on

their sign outside it will say, enjoy your forgiveness. Do we really enjoy our forgiveness? We need to accept that

and to not beat ourselves up over that anymore, but to release it into God's hands. We do encourage you.

Oftentimes you need to go to somebody, a safe person, as we said, and confess. That's really a lot of what our

counseling is about. So many people come in and say, I've never told anybody this, and they share something. And

you can see the relief when we can say, you're forgiven, of that you've repented, you've changed, you can let it go.

You can be free. So you're forgiven. Walk in your forgiveness and enjoy your forgiveness. And then another thing

that I've learned over the years that I find myself sharing with people is life is short. It's long and it's short, Right?

Yes.

So enjoy it. Celebrate today. Celebrate the things that are going on today and not live so much into the future or

stay stuck in the past.

Yeah. And part of that. And we talked about whatever you focus on determines your attitude. Part of that is

practicing gratitude and generosity. It's so easy for us to think about the things that aren't happening or the things

that. The negative things. And we have to work that muscle of refocusing our attention back on what is good and

what am I thankful for? And. And how, again, can I give to others rather than what, you know, just craving

something that I need or what I don't have? It's. Well, let me turn that first towards. How do I have gratitude

towards life, and how do I give generously my life to others? If you look for the beauty around you'll find it. There's a

lot of beauty in the world.

Whether it's just simply butterflies at this time of the year in the fall here or in the backyard, around the plants or

stars on a cold, crisp night, whether it's the mountains or valleys or streams or whatever, just. We see God

everywhere. The laughter of children. This is one of the blessings of being grandparents. We hear a lot of gigs,

giggles and screams and fun and. And laughter and. And the warmth of the sun. There's just so much beauty if we

keep our eyes open to it. And, you know, I have a lot of people that are just so lamenting about where the world's at

and all the world's in such a bad place, but, gosh, there's so much good. And if we really look, there's way more

good than there's been for generations and since the beginning of time. I mean, it's.

There's so much good in the world. And. And once again, whatever you choose to focus on ultimately determines

your. Determines your attitude.

Yeah. I want to finish with just the words. Not. Not all of them, but the words from one of my favorite songs that I

think of as my song. And it's. It's from Bethel Music, but a number of different people have recorded it, and a lot of

people have it in their church services. But it's. I love you, Lord, for your mercy never fails me. All my days I've been

held in your hand from the moment that I wake up until I lay my head. Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God

because all my life you have been faithful. All my life you have been so good. With every breath that I am able I will

sing of the goodness of God. I love your voice. You have led me through the fire in darkest nights. You are close

like no other.

I've known you as a father and I've known you as a friend and I've lived in the goodness of God before.

We could just let that soak, couldn't we? So for now we're gonna pause. So 100 it will be and we may come back

one of these days and pick right back up again. We'll see. But we pray for God's blessing in your life. We want you

to know that he loves you deeply. You are his beloved. And so for now, go in peace and be a part of bringing peace

to the world. Blessings as you go.

The Life and Love Nuggets podcast is a 501c3 nonprofit and is supported by gifts from people like you. To donate,

go to lifeandlovenuggets.com donate this podcast is produced by Clayton Creative in Tulsa, Oklahoma. The

content should not be considered or used for counseling, but for educational purposes only.