The Grief of Pregnancy Loss • Part 2 (Episode 47)

Continuing the discussion of pregnancy loss and grief, Janis shares some practical ways to help someone in your life who has experienced this type of loss.

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This podcast should not be considered or used for counseling but for educational purposes only.

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Transcript:

Welcome to Life & Love Nuggets, where licensed therapists Brent and Janice Sharpe share how you can thrive in your life, your love, and your relationships. Hi friends, welcome back to Life & Love Nuggets. We're going to continue what we started last week in talking about grief, grief over pregnancy, infant loss, failed adoption, and infertility. So join us now as we talk about that a little bit more and what we can do to help people who are experiencing this type of grief. The first one is referring to what I just talked about. Allow yourself to stay away from situations that are hard.

Don't go to baby showers. Don't go anywhere that will cause you extra grief. You have permission to opt out of any of that. Even if it's your sister, even if it's your best friend having a baby, it's too painful and it's okay for you to opt out of it. You won't always, but at this particular time, you need to listen to yourself. And if the pain of going to a shower or any other children's event, working in the nursery, you can get out of that because you don't need to have a reminder of the pain that's already there. Remember that the people around you are going to grieve differently and give them grace.

Your parents are grieving. Your children, if you have any children, may be grieving. Your husband, obviously, friends. It's so easy to turn our anger in the anger stage of grief on them.

And it's normal to have some of that. I know when I was in the anger phase of grief, I got really upset with my doctor because he referred me to a specialist. I've been through my other miscarriages, but then he sent me to a specialist. Well, I've kind of laughed because I felt like I was being abandoned. But then as time went on, I'm like, I would have been mad at him if he didn't send me to a specialist. It was time to go to a specialist and find out what's going on. But we're going to have grief and sometimes it's going to come out in all directions. But don't expect the other people in your family to show some of the things that you do because they are grieving differently. And sometimes they're hiding their own grief because they want to protect you. And it seems like they're insensitive or they don't recognize it, but they're dealing with their own issues and they're not going to see it the same way you do. It's your body that's being affected or you being a mom through adoption that's being affected.

And so you're going to be different than them. We just have to have grace for them. I encourage people to keep something that reminds you of that baby. I had a friend that gave me a plaque that's very meaningful to me, and I'm going to read it at the end of the podcast. But having something, we need a tangible reminder that this child was a part of my life. Even if I didn't know them, that child was a part of my life and this is significant. So finding a plaque, finding something. I had thought about planting a tree, but then I was afraid if the tree didn't make it, I would be extra sad. But some people do that. So finding something that you can have that's tangible, that you can hold on, that says this represents this child that I lost, and you need to fight it out with God. I think that's the person that we often get the maddest at.

It's like, you could change this. Why are you not doing this differently? You couldn't make a difference. And it causes us to question our faith and causes us to question our belief about God. My last two miscarriages were ones that the pregnancy seemed to be going normal, but then we went in once at 12 weeks and once at 14 weeks and realized this was before ultrasounds were used a lot, back in the dark ages. And with each pregnancy, one at 12 and one at 14 weeks, we found out there was no heartbeat. I had no other signs or symptoms. In fact, my last one, I was so sick, and there were no symptoms whatsoever. So when I found that out, I had to have DNCs, and so I would have a few days' time between when I found out and when I went in. I found myself one night, I was just ready to fight it out with God. It was like, this is so wrong, and this is so unfair.

I found out some interesting things about myself. I really believed that if I wanted a baby enough, it would happen. And so I would find myself internally, as silly as it seems, going, this baby will live. It will come back to life.

But it didn't. So that night, I was going to stay up all night long, and I was going to fight with God until I had some answers.

And I did. I yelled. I stomped. I prayed.

I wrote things out. I did all kinds of things. And I didn't get any clear answers. But for me, and I'm not saying this is for everybody, but for me, when the sun came up, somehow I went, God's good. I mean, I thought, I always thought that. But I had to go through this to go, I do believe that God is good. I don't know why this is happening. It's wrong. It's not fair. But I'm still going to choose to trust him. I took the scripture in, when it talks about Daniel and the children, or the three guys he was with.

And they were getting ready to walk into the fire. And they said, we may burn, but we won't bow. And I took that, as silly as that was to attach to what I was saying is, whatever happens, I'm still going to trust God. I'm still going to trust him, even if this looks totally wrong. I'm going to hang in here, not necessarily knowing if I'll have a baby, but I'm going to trust God, because he's good. And again, that's not for everybody. And you may not be at that point, and you may never get to that point. But for me, I needed that fight. God can handle it if you yell at him. He can handle it if you say bad things, if you stomp around.

Just talk with him. Just have some connection.

Though I will say, it's very easy, when we are going through this, even if we fight it out with him, to go through a period of time where we go, I'm just going to kind of keep my distance from God. I'm not sure what he's doing.

I don't like this. I know all the right answers, but I need to keep a distance until I feel better. That's not unusual.

So don't think God's mad at you. Don't think you're messing up or you've suddenly become a heathen. Just know you're scared. It's hard to trust when you've been through loss, any loss, and with pain. Let yourself be where you are. God's not upset with you. He knows you.

He loves you. And he knows the pain that you've been through. So it's okay to be where you are. So how do we help someone? If it's not us, how do we help somebody that we're close to go through this experience without bumbling around and saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing? You know, historically, we don't really have a ritual for grieving pregnancy loss. If you lose your husband, you're a widow. If you lose your parents, you're an orphan. But there's not really a title for someone that has a pregnancy loss or a child loss. So we don't know what to do. Oftentimes if it's another type of loss, people bring casseroles.

They send flowers. They do things that are helpful in that sense. Those things can be helpful for the person too. It's recognizing something bad happened and they're experiencing a loss. So whether it's a card, it's a casserole, it's flowers, whatever it needs to be, whatever you feel like you should do, do it. Also though, I would encourage you to be sensitive to that person's personality. When I go through grief and I go through pain, I withdraw.

I don't want to talk to anybody. I don't want to deal with anybody. So coming over, offering to watch a movie with me is not going to be something that's good for me. I have a lot of other friends that are like, I just need somebody with me. So we just sit and watch a movie or can we just walk for a little bit or can we do something? They turn to other people and they want that as comfort. So be sensitive to the person that you know is going through something and try to figure out or ask their spouse what could be the most helpful.

But the important thing is to do something. Don't just ignore it. When you've had a loss like this, it does feel like you're alone and it feels like other people don't get it. If you can do something, again, card, flowers, something along those lines, it does mean something even though it doesn't seem like it.

And of course, acknowledge the loss, whatever it is. Whether it's a failed pregnancy or miscarriage, whatever it is, acknowledge the loss. The baby is real to us, whether it was to you or not, it is to us. And don't give platitudes.

Don't try to explain it away. Don't try to do whatever you can to make it seem better. Just let them know you're sorry. The sweetest person to me after one of my miscarriages was an older man. Of course, now I look at him, he's probably in his 60s, which I am now, but it was an older man. And for some reason, I decided to go to the church picnic the day after I found out that there was not a heartbeat.

And why I did that, I don't know. I think I was a pastor's wife and I didn't feel permission to not go. But I remember walking across the field to get to where the picnic was. And this older man passed me and he looked at me and he just, with tears in his eyes, he said, I'm sorry about your baby. And that meant more to me than anything else anybody said because he felt my pain. And that was really significant. So if you don't know what else to say, just say, I'm so sorry and be sincere about it because the person who's going through it needs to recognize, needs to know that someone is recognizing the pain that you're going through and the loss.

Not a lot of words, just very, very simple. And be aware of the process of grief. We've talked about it before. There's predictable stages. They come and go at all different times. We shouldn't be surprised. I always say grief is sneaky. So you think you have these steps of how grief is going to be and they get all jumbled up. And you go from one stage to another and then back again and it's not a smooth, easy process. So just know this person is going to be all over the place and it's just being sensitive to where they are right now. When women go through loss, pregnancy loss, when they're in shock, it may seem like it didn't bother them.

It may seem like, oh, everything's fine. They act fine. Do things for them anyway. Because oftentimes they're putting everything in, going to church or being with friends and trying to just look okay and be okay.

And they're hurting. They're hurting desperately. So go ahead and help them even though it seems like it didn't faze them. They seem to be going along.

They're probably in shock. And that's why it seems like everything's fine.

Again, I talked about anger. Just know it's going to be random. It's oftentimes the husband that gets a lot of it or the doctor or the hospital or God. Those are oftentimes the people that get the most anger.

If it's you, be patient. Love them. Even though they're really mad at you, just be patient and know that this will pass. They're not going to be mad at you forever.

Depression, of course, is common. It's hard. And sometimes they wonder if they're ever going to be okay again after this.

They may need counseling. I encourage everybody that's had a pregnancy loss to go to counseling, not just because I'm a counselor. But you need somebody to go, yes, you're in pain. Yes, it's normal to be at this stage. I can't tell you how many people apologize to me to go, I know I wasn't very far along or I know it was just a failed adoption. It's a loss, too, or infertility. You need somebody to walk alongside you that gets it and that knows that all of this is normal and you need the support to go through those stages of grief and just the encouragement to go along the way. Mourning is common, crying, tears, that's a normal part of all grief. And we've talked before in our grief series about sometimes it's helpful, if you can, to schedule a time that you grieve specifically, that is, I'm going to take this time on Thursday night to grieve, or maybe schedule a time where you and your husband have something that you do, or the woman and her husband do, that helps them in the mourning phase. I know Brent and I, with our last miscarriage, we just kind of had our own little ceremony. It was just the two of us, we didn't really do anything other than just say, we recognize this loss and we pray and we release this child to you.

The child that we had hoped to have, we release it to you. And I needed that. I needed something to make it official. That along with having something tangible was helpful in the process. It didn't make it all go away, but it was helpful. So give the person permission to avoid those difficult situations. If it's your sister and she's pregnant, she doesn't have to come to your baby shower. You know that she loves you. She doesn't have to be in that situation. Don't expect your daughter who has gone through this, or your daughter and son-in-law to want to show up at certain things that you want them at. If it's a trigger, if it's a reminder for them, give them the grace to just say, we've got a lot of years ahead.

You don't have to go if it's too hard for you. But make sure to include them in social activities. Invite them to come. Explain to them that if they don't feel up to it, it's okay, but you'd like to be around them. You would like them to come, and that they don't have to be okay to be there. They don't have to come and be chipper to be there. You just want them there. But if you do have them there, run interference. If Aunt Edna is just, you know she's going to say something like, goodness, how many miscarriages have you had at this time?

Or what's causing that? I never had any of that. Run interference. Make sure she's never alone with that person. Do something. Even if you look across the room and you see a pained expression on their face, interrupt the conversation and say, I need you in the kitchen. Or I need you to do this, and pull them away from that person.

That'll help them feel safe. Or be their wing person. If they're going to go to church, stick right with them the whole time so that you could interrupt any conversations that are difficult. I encourage people that are going through grief of all types to say, you know, I'm really not comfortable talking about that right now.

If somebody asks a question. But you can also, as the wing person, go, you know what, I don't think that's something that she's comfortable talking about right now. We're going to go over and get some candy or get some whatever. But just protecting them from those insensitive people as much as possible is really, really helpful. It helps you be the buffer for those insensitive or difficult comments.

Keep track of the due date. As I said, from the time a woman finds out she's pregnant or if she expects an adoption, it's going to come at this particular time, that date is in their mind. And that's part of their future from now on. They knew at this particular time they were going to have a baby.

You may have forgotten it. A lot of people may have forgotten it, but try to write it down and be aware that that time is coming. So you can send flowers, you can send a card, even just saying, I was thinking about you today and I want you to know that I'm really praying for you.

This is a difficult time. Or if you want to talk, I'm around. Just letting them know. to let them know that you remember that and that she's not alone in remembering that date because it becomes a part of who we are. You know, life is messy and there's things that we're not going to understand until we see Jesus. There's many griefs, many kinds of grief, and there's a lot of things that we don't know why they happened. We're not going to know until we see Jesus face to face. Romans 8 talks about all things working together for good. That's the wrong thing to say to someone who's just experienced a loss. But those of us that have been through it, when we come to that on our own, again, even though we don't like it, there is something that we can get to that says, this is not what I wanted, but somehow my life is going to work out. That's what acceptance is.

Somehow things are still going to be good. This wasn't good. This wasn't what I want to go through. I don't want anybody to go through this, but things in my life will be good again. And I've got to hold on to that until I get to that stage.

Grieving is a process. It brings loss. It brings pain. We can't ignore it. You know, we want to, but it's like pushing a beach ball underwater. You can only hold it down there so long. It's going to pop up. And so many times people use the Psalm 30 that says, weeping endures for the night, but joy comes in the morning.

They all want to jump to joy comes in the morning. We have to let people be at the weeping endures for the night. And if you've been through loss, that night can be really, really long as you endure it. You think there's going to be good ahead, but in the midst of it, it's hard to believe.

Hang in there. Be honest with God. Be honest with yourself. We've talked about the Exodus 23 scripture that says, little by little, I will drive your enemies out before you until you've increased enough to take possession of the land. It's a little by little process. Grief, we've said before, is like fog.

Right now, everything looks fogged in. But as time goes on, the fog lifts little by little. And eventually, things look good and sunny again, but it takes time. And time is different for everyone.

So don't rush people through grief. Let them be exactly where they're at. So I ask our Mothers of Preschooler group, which I don't know if you know this, but the Mothers of Preschool International group has changed their names to the Mom Community group. So I ask our Mom Community group for some resources that could be helpful. I'm going to put these in the show notes so that you can get them from that. But let me just go through some of them briefly.

One of them is Kindness for Case and Foundation. They support families walking through child loss.

They have a Facebook page. And one of the main focuses that they have is paying for the headstone. Oftentimes, the mortuary will give you the plot of land for free, but you have to pay for the headstone if you have had a stillborn or early infant loss. So this group works to give you money to help pay for the headstone. It's a really good resource for people that are walking through this type of grief.

Another one is While We Were Waiting. It offers a retreat for parents who have had any kind of loss. And they have them throughout the nation. We don't have any in Oklahoma, but there is one in Arkansas. And so you can go on and sign up for a retreat for you and your husband to go to. Molly Bears, they make weighted memorial bears for any type of child loss. It's a good gift to give to someone or to get for yourself if you need it. Heartbeat Memories creates jewelry of the actual heartbeat of your baby, again, if it is possible to get that heartbeat. Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep is an organization who will take family pictures if you have a stillborn or infant loss. They also have started having commemorative ornaments. That might be a good thing for people who have gone through miscarriage to just have that tangible thing of an ornament.

There's Hannah's Hope. They send a really sweet kind of a care box to people who have had a loss. This is a great thing as a friend to give to someone when you don't know what to do or you don't know what to give. Mend.org provides support groups in Tulsa and many other places in the country. They have in-person and online support groups.

It's a good resource. They have a lot of good resources for grieving. Waiting for Baby Bird is a faith-based organization that offers support. And books.

Books are good. You have to read the book to make sure that you think it's something that's appropriate. And know, especially if you're a woman that's grieving, sometimes people give you a book and when you first get it, you're like, this doesn't apply to me at all, or they're trying to fix me too quick, or I'm angry that they included this along with my loss. Eventually, you may find that that's a good book. Just know at this stage, you're all over the place. And sometimes something's not going to feel right that may feel right later on. There's a lot of grieving or a lot of resources out there for grieving. One of the books that one of the girls recommended is a devotional that's Grieving the Child I Never Knew. Again, I'll put that in the show notes. And then Lisa Turkus has a book that you can use for so many situations and it's, it's not supposed to be this way.

There's a lot of different resources online that you can find. And for kids, one of the books that they recommended that I thought was sweet was Someone Came Before You. It's a sweet children's book to introduce children to their siblings that they never met, to acknowledge that there was a child that was a part of their family and that we believe we will see again one day. With one of our miscarriages, our oldest son was three, and he understood what was going on when we had miscarriages. He got it. And I remember one time I was in the other room and somebody very well-meaningly said, don't cry, Preston, because you'll have another, you'll have another brother or sister. You'll have another baby. And I heard Preston say, I don't want another baby. I wanted that baby. And I cried in the other room and I went, I want that baby too.

But another thing is he, he processed through this as a three-year-old. He came to us one day and he said, I know the baby's in heaven, but what keeps the baby from falling out?

What if it falls out of heaven? Which again was so sweet. And Evelyn Roberts, who was Oral Roberts' wife at the time, she was his wife forever, but when this happened, she heard about it from someone. And so she sent Preston a book that she had written several years ago about the death of her daughter and son-in-law in a plane crash. And the book said it was for their children.

And the book was Heaven Has a Floor. And she sent one to Preston and it was the sweetest thing for us because it was exactly what he needed. And it was exactly what we needed at that particular point. So that was a wonderful, wonderful book for us.

Remember the pain and the grief are real. You will get through this. Your friend will get through this if they're going through it. We need to recognize it for what it is and to just be there. Do what we need to for them as an individual. Let yourself be there and experience the grief. I talked earlier about a plaque that a friend gave me, so I'm going to cry my way through this. But this is one that she sent me that was very, very meaningful to me. And I'll type it up and have it at the show notes as well. It says, We cried tears when we learned that a child would be.

That our God had allowed us, had allowed you to quicken in me. We cried tears with our loved ones as they shared our joy. And we thought about names for a girl or a boy. I cried tears as I thought of the things we would do. All the things that your daddy would pass on to you. And I cried as I thought of each week you had grown. As I pondered the day that you'd make yourself known. Then to think of you in the, I'm sorry. Then to think of the world you must enter brought fears. Once again, little one, your mother cried tears.

Something's wrong, I can tell. Once again, there are tears. And I'll not get the chance of your love through the years. Oh, the ache and the sorrow and all of the pain. And again, yes, yes, again, my tears fall like rain. Then his peace comes to me as I think of you there. Gently rocking with father in his favorite chair. Your sweet little fingers clenched tight in his palm. And his son softly singing to help you keep calm.

Our God knew your days before you came to be. And he knew, little one, you would not stay with me. So I cry, but I know that when this life is done, I will greet and embrace you, my sweet little one. There's a time to be born and a time to die. And the joy and the sorrow both make us cry. I will have that in the show notes for you. I hope this has been helpful for you.

We want to do topics that will be helpful. If you have any suggestions for us, please let us know. And we would be happy to deal with any issues that are significant. So thanks for being with us. Bless you and go in peace.