The Art of Decision Making (Episode 45)

Brent and Janis discuss how easy it is to get into decision overload in our daily lives. They look at ways to minimize the stress of too many decisions and then explain a very helpful tool to use when we need to make really important decisions.

The podcast is produced by ⁠Clayton Creative⁠ in Tulsa, Oklahoma. The content should not be considered or used for counseling but for educational purposes only.

This podcast should not be considered or used for counseling but for educational purposes only.

Decision Making Model

This five step decision making model allows a person to separate from the emotional ups and downs and look at what a decision would be based on their core values.

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Transcript:

Welcome to Life and Love Nuggets, where licensed therapist Brent and Janice Sharp share how you can thrive in your life, your love, and your relationships. Hello, friends. Welcome back to Life and Love Nuggets with Brent and Janice Sharp. That's us. That's us. We're still us. We're still us. So I had a dentist's appointment this morning, and I feel like I can't do anything with my mouth now.

I actually didn't have any problems. It is cleaned up, but it's just like my mouth feels weird. I'm still going to make you talk anyway because I don't want to do it all. Okay. So today we're going to talk about a topic that we run into with folks a lot, which is just about decision making, whether it's all the decisions we have to make or whether it's a really important decision that we have to make. What are some critical things for us to be thinking about here? Yeah. Well, I know some people will say to me, why do I have trouble making decisions? And there can be a lot of reasons for that. It can be depression. It can be you're exhausted.

It could be ADD. There's a number of things that it could be. But for most of us, I think the biggest reason is that we have so many choices. We have decision overload in a lot of just the little things in our lives. If you don't think we have a lot of choices, go try to buy toothpaste at Target. It's a whole aisle. It's not just, yeah, it used to be like three brands or cereal or cereal. Yes. There's so many choices to pick from. And even though they're small, it still weighs on us. I don't know about you, but in my office, I'm hearing more and more people going, oh, we have a conflict over where to go to dinner.

They won't decide. Well, why should I decide? No, you decide, which is interesting because it used to be more like I want to decide and they don't let me decide. But part of it is because we've been making decisions all day. There are so many little things day in and day out. So first thing in the morning, you stand in the closet and go, oh, what am I going to wear? The closet's stuffed full of options, but we feel like we can't pick one because it's too confusing. So what a lot of people do is they get an office uniform and we kind of have that where we have our own office uniform of if we're going to see clients. So for me, I usually pick, I have jeans and silky shirts all in a row. And so I just go, okay, I have to pick one kind of jean and I have to pick one silky shirt.

And that does it. And since most of them all go together, I don't have to think as much when I go to the office about what to wear. And you are in generally.

Just jeans and a shirt. It's pretty simple. But a lot of times you'll do a black t-shirt and keep it pretty strict. And there are some people that are really rigid with that. It's like, I'm going to have this many color shirts and this many pair of pants just to keep them.

So who was Andy Griffiths? Remember when he was a lawyer later in his? Oh yes.

Oh, I know who you mean. I can't think of it, but what did he have?

He wore a blue suit. He had a whole bunch of them. Had a whole bunch of blue suits and white shirts. Yeah. And that's what he wore every time. They're just identical suits.

Monk did that too. He had the exact same shirt. His was OCD, but you know, it's a little different. Well, the author of Margin, he talked about just having basically one outfit that he made. He had khaki pants, blue pants, blue Oxford, white Oxford, and that's all he wore. So he didn't have to think. For some of you creatives, Janice could not do this in just regular life. But the few days that we see clients, she can kind of do that. But otherwise, just needs to let creativity flow and beauty and all that, which is wonderful.

So we're, again, if you love doing that, great. Right. But if that's an overload, then sometimes just a simple uniform. Yeah. But I think even my silky shirts, I have a variety of colors and patterns.

Yes, of course. And I just make sure they go with jeans. And so that I get my creativity out in my work wear. But we do have decisions every day. I mean, the next one we always have to make is coffee, tea first thing in the morning. And then it's like, should I make it at home or should I go get it? Okay. If I go get it, am I going to go to Starbucks?

Am I going to go to Scooters? I'm going to go to Sona. Am I going to go to what's the one you like? Okay. There's some other favorite one that you like. Yeah. So then we get there and we have to, oh no, we have to go. Do I want to go to the one next to my office or do I want to go to the one next to my house? Or drive a little ways to the cool one. Yes. And to drive to the cool ones.

And then you get there and it's like regular or decaf, milk, whole, fat free, almond milk. You know, there's so many. Oat milk. Don't forget oat milk. And then we go into, do you want syrup or not syrup? Do you want calf, half calf, decaf? I mean, again, and that's before we even get to work. So we have a lot of decisions. And when you have a job that requires a lot of decisions, then it's extra hard because you know, you're going to be doing that all day. These are the people that have jobs that have a lot of decision-making that go, I don't care where we go to dinner.

You just make the decision. I don't want to do anything else. In the old days, we didn't have as many choices. I remember my mom talking about growing up on the farm and she just said, not only did they not drive out for coffee, but she just said, you know what? Mondays we did wash, Tuesdays we did baking. There were set routines for everything that they did because it makes it easier. And there's things that we can do that are set. I, while you were at the dentist, I was getting my nails done and they always kind of laugh at me when I come in because they all know what color I wear because I wear the same color over and over again. Well, if you've been to a nail salon, they have like a thousand colors. So I pick the one I like and I stick with it. It's just easier to not have to make those decisions.

Other decisions we struggle with because we have a fear of failure or we're perfectionist. All of us have perfectionist tendencies to some degree, or it's so important to us. We want to make sure that we're making the right decision. And if it's something that's complicated, there's a lot of different nuances to it, or you kind of feel like everything's swirling around in your head, or it's something huge, then you really need a set way to make those decisions. And you have a wonderful way to do that. Well, so we're going to talk about making bigger decisions when a couple or not a couple, but an individual is trying to decide between A and B, you know, So I don't have to use it for calf or decaf?

No, definitely don't do that. So basically your point with smaller decisions is if you find yourself in decision overload, then just simplify some things. Make some things regular, routine, so you don't have to make as many decisions on just the normal things. So when you're talking about more important things, you have a little bit of margin, a little more energy to be able to do that. So we face oftentimes individuals that are trying to make big decisions. Whether I take a new job or not, that's going to move me out of the city. Whether we have some individuals that are struggling in their marriage, and they're just at their end, but they just don't know what to do. Or I think about people our age that are moving their elderly parents in with them. Just the decision, do we move mom in with us or do we get her in assisted living?

I mean, there's a lot of difficult choices out there. And what people generally find themselves is on a roller coaster. And so one day it's like, no, I've got to try to make this work. You know, these are my commitments and whatever. Then the next day it's like, but this is, am I in an abusive situation? Or I just don't think I can keep living that this way. Then they back up again, but no, I know this is my value here. And then they slip down into another emotion.

And so they're going to be up and down. And depending on where we catch them on that roller coaster determines what their decision is. And it can be real unnerving and unsettling. And so again, people come to us, we're not, even as our counselors or when we were pastors, we're not there to tell people what to do. We're there to help them make the best decision for them. And so what we found is there's a decision-making process that helps people pull away from the emotion of the moment and make a decision based on their core values. It's also a process that can really help people as they kind of pray something through as they're praying about it consistently.

It looks at all the factors. And what we found is that people come up with something like 63% of my core values say that I should make this decision. And what we found the benefit in that is, is because both decisions oftentimes are difficult. There's going to be, if it was not a difficult decision, they wouldn't be struggling with it. Right. And so it's not going to be a 90% I do this, or they wouldn't even be asking about it. It's obvious. But when they get out there, which either option they take, when they bump into a problem, then we don't want them to slip back into the emotion of it. It's, it tethers them back to, but I know why I'm making this decision. I know that this helps the majority of my core values be fulfilled. And every decision we make has pros and cons.

I mean, everyone has its benefits, but it also has its shortcomings. And so this is really weighing all of those to get the best possible one that fits with your value system. Yeah. Now it is a five-step process because it's, it's pretty significant and it's layered to really help with the nuance of this. So again, the old Ben Franklin plus and minus list, we actually start with that. That's the first step, but we don't start, stop there, you know? And so we don't just add up pluses and minuses because there could be one on one side that's way more powerful than five combined on the other side. And so we do a lot of other things with it. But the first step, and somebody's trying to make a decision between two things, is they literally get two pieces of paper out. They put their options on, the two options on the heading of each page, then they draw a line down the middle. And so we're going to kind of walk through an example here just to kind of show how this works.

And so this would be somebody that's trying to make a decision about a new job. And we're going to put the details of this in the show notes that they can take a look at. So if this, when I'm sharing this, if you start getting blurred vision or seeing stars and go, what in the heck is he talking about? Then you can get the show notes of this, and you could actually see how we walk this out with the details. But I'm going to give you kind of a framework of this. It does involve math, but it's not complicated math, just if that makes anybody nervous. If you have a phone that has a little calculator on it, you can do this.

You can do it. Good. Okay. So, but let's say we have a person, a guy that is trying to make a decision about a job. So his job's kind of gotten stale, you know, and he's heard about this opportunity, but it will require a move. And it's more money, great opportunity.

That sounds exciting. But the kids have grown up in this community that we live in. They live in the house that they were, you know, brought home to. And there's something very special and kind of nostalgic about that in our family. They also have amazing schools. And we have a church that we've been involved in that we feel, you know, it would be hard to leave. And so they're just looking at all of those things. Many of those things are opposites, you know, the needs are of each other. And so in this case, and I'm just going to give you an example of what some pros and cons might look like.

So we have new move or stay put. Those are the two options on the top of each of the pages. And so plus of a new move might be a new company, you know, that has, is really going well and it has lots of opportunities. Another plus might be closer to the in-laws. We're actually a little closer to one set of our parents.

Or minus depending on the family. Or we're farther away. It's more money. I would have more say so because I'm kind of getting in the ground floor of this. And so it's a smaller company. I'd have more say so. And I might be able to retire earlier. So let's just say those are some of the pros. Some of the minuses. The new company comes with some risks because it's new. It hasn't been around for years and years.

And so we could move and then it might not all work. Unknown school system. There's a higher cost of living where we're going. We would leave the house that the kids grow up in. And so I tell people, don't be surprised if a plus on one side is similar to a minus on another page.

They just probably have a little different quality to them. So we encourage you to go ahead and write them down in both places. We're going to leave the house. I'm not going to be so close to fun activities. We have lots of outdoor things that we love to do in this space that we live in. Staying put. Very secure company that I work for. It's been around for generations. There's no question it's going to continue to do well. It's a slow growth company.

Our kids love their schools. Another positive might, the kids again get to grow up in this house that they have lived in.

They would love our church. Great outdoor activities. A minus of staying put is I'm just a bit bored and don't feel very energized. And I'm thinking, is this all I'm ever going to do in life? That I'm going to just be at this company forever? The house that we actually live in is not ideal as our family has grown. And we've always thought about maybe a dream house at some point. I don't want to give up or the negative would be I would have to give up on my dreams. And then there is a limited financial upside here, even though it's steady and secure, it's limited. So we have individuals just work on the pluses and minuses on both of those pages until you think you can't think of anything else.

Just for this example, there's 20 of these. There's 20 different pluses and minuses, five on each side. I've had one person have 43 of these. And so it doesn't matter.

There's no right answer. Just however many you come up with until you feel like you've. And why do the two different sheets instead of a simple pro con list? Well, because there's something unique about a pro and con of each decision. And so if it was just if you just did a pro and con, it would be have to be just about moving. What are the pros and cons of moving? OK, but the facts of pro and con of staying put actually gives some other qualities, as you'll see here, that we wouldn't have come up with on the pros and cons of the of the new move.

So that's first step. Once person's done that, then we sit down and we sort out what are the core values that these speak to. So this is not so we had pluses and minuses here.

Core values aren't positive and negative. They're just core values. And so we're trying to identify what core value do these speak to?

Now, this takes a little work. You might even have to sit down with somebody and help you think that through. And so I came up with actually 14 core values out of these 20 pluses and minuses because there are some of these that speak to the same core value. So I listed them out. Take advantage of new opportunities is something that's a core value in my life to live. live close to family is a core value. Financial security. So there were like four of these that spoke to financial security. Have input into my work environment is a core value.

Retire at the earliest opportunity possible. Not put family at risk is a core value. Feel secure in my kids schools that they and that they particularly enjoy.

So we feel good about it. They love they love the school. Give kids the opportunity to live in where they grew up and to have history here.

It's a core value. Enjoy outdoor activities is a core value. Keep the benefits of years with the same company. So there's something about being with the same company for so many years. There's certain perks and benefits that comes along with that. Family have a church home that they love. To feel energized by my work is a core value. And then feel that I'm growing in my career and in my life. And so those are the core values.

And then there's a couple more. Find our dream house. Live in a dream house. And then to follow my dreams. So those are 14 core values that we came out of this 20. So somebody I think my person that had 43 we came up with like 30 core values out of that. So again you work it until you feel like usually as you go down your list you'll go okay that really relates to that core value you know. And again they're going to show up on different sides because like financial security showed up on several in several of these pluses and minuses both. But it all really comes under the category of financial security. Whether that's making more money, more upside, all those are financial security related.

So that's step two. Once you come up with that list then there's two really important next steps. The next one is you put these in order of importance of priority. Which is the absolute number one priority and which is number 14. You're the only one that can decide that. It's not well what should it be or what are other people going to think. No it's what it is to you.

What are your core values. And you then begin to list those. So you take those 14 and you just put them in order of value.

Now they're all important. They all showed up in the process. But they all can't be the same important. You can't have two ones. You can't have two threes.

One through 14. So again this is just an example here. I put it down here and this way. The first one was not put family at risk. When this person sat down and thought about it and the different opportunities of a new startup and company I've been working with for years. It really came up to them. I don't want to put my family at risk. There's a lot of things I would like about that. But number one is not put my family at risk. The second one is give kids opportunity to live where they grew up. This is such a high value in our family and having that history.

Number three is feel energized by my work. So all of a sudden we see one in three in conflict with each other. Absolutely. So I don't put my family at risk. I want to feel energized by my work. Number four would be feel secure in kids schools that they enjoy. Number five feel I'm growing in my career and life. Here again goes back to that what that potential move might do. Number six have input into my work environment which I don't. I work for a big company now and I don't have as much input. Seven key benefits of years with the same company is a core value.

It's really listed almost as a core value. Eight a family would have a church home that they would love.

Nine financial security. So when he realized that how much money I'm going to make actually is there but it's just not as important as some of these other things. Number 10 enjoy outdoor activities.

11 follow my dreams. 12 live close to family. 13 retire at the earliest opportunity. Even though that's a thing it really showed up 13th on the list. And then 14 we've always wanted to find our dream home.

But that's actually 14. That's not as important as these other things. Again you're the only one that can decide that you put those in order. And it really helps you know what your values are. Absolutely. To sit down and actually look at that it's like oh I would have thought financial security was top of my list but really when I weigh it with other things it's not. Yeah we have somebody that's struggling in their marriage and all of a sudden they have to put their core values down and one of those is an intact family.

Or to honor my vows. It forces them where am I going to put that? Yeah. To I'm a little bored in my marriage or I want more excitement or whatever. They have to put now there are people that put excitement over their vows okay. But it forces them to look at that. We can't make them see it that way. But it challenges them to really look at it that way. And so now once you have this then we go to step four.

And step four is now we we weight them. So we prioritize them but now we weight them. Now there's a formula that we use and it's arbitrary. People go why do you do it that way? It's just we got to get enough points that separates the numbers. And so we have you take the number of core values and so in this situation it would be 14.

You take it times 20. So if you had 10 of them you would you would take it times 20 and you'd have 200 points. In our case we're going to have 280 points to work with. If you had 25 of these you would end up with 500 points to work with. So in our example we're going to have 280 points to work with. Now I have to go back again to that order.

And I have. To the core beliefs or the core principles. The core values that are in order. Yes. That are prioritized. And I go to number one and I always tell people you do this step with a pencil and a big eraser. This will not come out to 280 the first time because all of these have to add up to 280. So you just have to guess to start with okay. And so and so let's say number one which is not put my family at risk.

I'm going to give that 50 points. That's really really important. And so I give it 50. Now two can't be 50.

Now it could be 49. But it might drop way down. And so you're going to start seeing these not only descend in order but starts really separating. Yeah. And there. So no two can be the same. No two can be 25 or 20 or 50 or whatever.

So I've got 50 in the second one I put 30. And then that's give kids opportunity to live where they grew up. But boy feel energized by work is really close to that one.

And so I gave it 28. And then the kids school is really important that just went to 27. And then I feel I am growing in my career. That's 25 have input into my work environment. That's 24. So all of those are really tightly grouped. OK. So the first one was really high. But those next six or so were really tightly grouped in a group. The next one was a church home which is 20 because I think I could probably find that somewhere else too.

But but financial security actually showed up at 15 points. 12 follow my dreams. So follow my dreams is important but it's not as important as putting my family at risk. Living close to family was a retire early five and then find that dream home was actually one. So we found that not putting my family at risk is actually 50 times more powerful than find my dream. Wow. So that's what it does. It starts going.

Oh my gosh. These all were important to me. But wow that one is so much more important.

And is that up to 280. So when most people are doing it they're going to do it and then go. Oh I got too many. I'm 312. Yes. That's why you say use the pencil because you have to go back I could drop this one five. I think you do a lot. Yes you're going to you just keep adjusting until it feels right to you until they're in the right order and they seem like they are separated from each other appropriately. Good. I have some people do that and they actually get thinking and they go OK that one's actually more important and they actually switch some of these. But but if you get it if you actually switch your priorities you actually have to go back.

They have to be in descending order again. And again it's your priorities. It's not what should be or what someone else would think. Absolutely. It's what's important to you. Yeah. So as you pray over that as you process that think about it you do that until that feels right. I think I've got this in the right order and the right priority. Then step five you get a blank piece of paper or whiteboard or whatever and we've got our two options listed out you know top left and top right. New move. Stay put.

So we go to each one of these which one of those choices gives you the best opportunity for that core value to be satisfied. OK. So not put family at risk. 50 points. Stay. That goes to stay put. Yeah. OK. Kids grow up where they live.

That's going to be that's 30 points. That goes to stay. Then energized by work. That is 28 points. That's going to go to the new move because I'm not very energized.

I'm kind of bored where I'm at. Yeah. The school.

Our school is so amazing. Our kids have been in it since they were little.

That's that goes on. Stay put. I'm growing in my career was 25 points and input at work was 24 points. So those are pretty big. Those both go to new move. Keep benefits of work of my history at this job. That's 22. That goes to stay put. Church. Stay put. Financial security.

Actually there are some of these you could get in both places. And so you can actually split the points. Now we recommend you don't end up splitting all of them or we can lose some of the benefit of this.

But that one I split it almost 50 50. I put those 15 points. I put eight towards new move and seven towards stay put. Outdoor activities. Those are mostly here.

You know it's 13. We're moving to a bigger city and so forth.

Follow my dreams is 12. That goes to new move. Close to family is eight goes to new move. Retire at the earliest convenience. That's five to new move. And then a dream house is one that goes to new move. And what we end up with is is we had 111 points on new move.

We had 169 points on stay put. Basically 60 40 60 40 to stay put over new move. And all of a sudden it starts separating. Now 60 is not 90. Right. You know it's again it's but generally that's usually what we see people decide they choose that start separating this enough.

Yes there's some things that could be done over there. Now sometimes we look at you know it's so close they can't quite decide and they realize that one of these if we did something maybe we went and did some search for on schools and and or checked out churches or whatever we found out that we there are some good opportunities there so we could see that some of those points might be able to shift.

But usually the higher number is what people decide. Now if they choose that they end up choosing the lower number then my challenge is just just for your own sense of understanding something changed. One of those numbers is not in the right priority. You know it's shifted or the numbers shifted.

Or you left something off. Or you left something off.

It's significant and you found it. And so it just now it's not a this is not an algorithm that we you know plug into the computer and you ding ding ding ding ding you get your right answer on what you should do. But it's a it's a way for for you to process it for for families to talk to wife about. A lot of times I have the husbands and wives of in this kind of case they do it both individually. Yeah. And then they just share it with each other. And a lot of times they really get good insights on what are the bigger issues and bigger things.

So they're part of this decision. And it helps what I hear back over and over again it just helps quantify things. So it's not just this roller coaster of emotion. It really speaks to certain core values and it weights them in a way that I know how important this is in my life. And that's why I'm making this decision. So that when I go down if this person went down this 60 percent path and chose to stay put the next time I'm bored at work. I'm like I'm not there catastrophizing. I'm always going to be here and this is so boring. I lost my good chance. No I know there I know why I'm doing this.

Yeah that's good. And it it just grounds you into that decision. So we don't spend a lot of we don't waste a lot of energy into what ifs and so forth.

It just makes it more clear. Now if I realize that having some input at work or whatever is really important it might mean I need to have a discussion with my boss you know. Or if if staying put is so much about just the community here are there some other do I need to start looking for another job here.

There's so much here that we have. If I could get another job that just piqued my interest a little bit more. Or maybe I realize that this job is a tent making job. I'm never going to be thrilled about it but I need to start volunteering for some things and looking for some things that are I'm passionate about. And so again it just gives people some perspective on on how to assess where I'm at. How to get more clarity on a decision and find confirmation from that. That's good.

And it gives you practical steps. That's what I like. You're not just swirling around going I think this but I also think this. Yeah I think it's good to give you practical steps to do that. And know that all of those reasons they all aren't the same power. They are differentiated. So we're going to put this actually example in the outline in the show notes so you could go through and if you kind of got lost in my description there that you could kind of go through and think about it and maybe plug in some of your own decision. Yeah. And so whether it's needing to simplify our lives and and get a little bit more regular in some of the simple decisions so we're not dealing with decision fatigue and overload or whether you've got a significant decision to make that you might be able to process this through. Hopefully this is giving you a little bit of handles for how to move forward in making decisions in the future because life is full of decisions.

So for today go in peace. Bless you as you go. The Life and Love Nuggets podcast is a 501c3 nonprofit and is supported by gifts from people like you. To donate go to lifeandlovenuggets.com/donate. This podcast is produced by Clayton Creative in Tulsa, Oklahoma. The content should not be considered or used for counseling but for educational purposes only..