Safe and Wise People: Safe People Part 2 (Episode 62)

Brent and Janis continue their discussion of Safe people and look at the characteristics of people who are both safe and wise.

This podcast should not be considered or used for counseling but for educational purposes only.

Transcript:

Welcome to Life and Love Nuggets where licensed therapists, Brent and Janice Sharpe, share how you can thrive in your life, your love, and your relationships.

Hello friends! Welcome back to Life and Love Nuggets. We've been talking about this idea of safe people. How to find safe people in our life, how to be safe people for others. So we're gonna continue that today. Yes, but before we do, I want to tell a story. Okay. Because Brent and I always joke when we make, when we have some kind of situation where there's a misunderstanding. Because we always look at each other and go, “And we are professional communicators!" So we had one of the funniest ones ever a number of weeks ago that I had to share somewhere. So we're gonna share it now. Yeah, so I have to give you context. We, on the days that we work long hours, we go out to lunch together. And I rarely finish my whole lunch. So I always bring home like a taco or a small thing of fruit or something, and put it in the fridge. And then on those nights I work later, or Brent works later than I do, so I come home and I'll be working on something, I've already had dinner just snacky something and he'll come home and he'll want to get something out of the refrigerator to have as a snack.So he'll say do you want this from your lunch today or...? So that's the background. So one day, one evening. I was home. I had eaten dinner. I was in the other room. Brent came in and he said, he just walked in the door, started going the kitchen to get something to eat, and he said, “Do you want the fruit in the fridge?" And I said “No, go ahead. You can have it." And he said, "Do you want the fruit in the fridge?” I said, "No, you can have it. Go ahead." We're all concerned about our hearing. So it did, we did say, I did say a little louder each time. So then he said, “Do you want the fruit in the fridge?” Now, she's in the other room. You know some kind. Yes. Yes. “No, I don’t want it. You can have it." He walks in the door, or walks around the corner, and he has two containers of berries in his hand. That had been sitting on the counter. And I forgot I had picked them up on the way home from work, and I set them on the counter. So he was asking, do I want the berries in the fridge? To put them in the fridge. Not, can I eat the little package of fruit that's already in the fridge? Oh my god. So now when we miscommunicate, we just look at each other and go, do you want the fruit in the fridge? I'm sorry, I had to tell it. So we're trying, guys. We, we. But we've talked about such serious things for so many times in a row we had to add something fun in there.

Yes. Yeah, so we just want you to know that everything we talked about, matter of fact, I tell clients every day that everything I share with you is stuff we had to learn the hard way. And obviously we are still learning how to clearly communicate things from time to time. Oh my goodness. So today we want to add to this conversation about safe people. We want to talk about safe and wise people. We we've tried to define safe people, but wisdom is really critical in this, in our lives and in our relationships. Wisdom is just defined as the quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgment. The quality of being wise. So we've said that the key to being safe is simply being present with someone with empathy, unconditional acceptance, genuineness. So being safe means we might not say much. We might just listen and validate their experience and to be present, but it's also okay at times when, and we, we feel like there is something that we could say that could be helpful to somebody. It's okay to say that, okay? But the key is, after you've heard them, after you validated, after you've just been present with them. And so, so what does wisdom look like? If we want to share wisdom and what does that look like? And and I'd also say that, that the beginning of even sharing with somebody to make sure that they felt heard, that they felt that you're not jumping too quick to fix, is even saying, “Hey, I had a thought about that." You know? Do, "Can I share that with you?" They might say, “No, I just, I just needed to know that I wasn't alone, that you can just let it." And that tells us, okay, I need to bite my tongue. I don't care how wise what I think I have to say is. We need to make sure that they're ready for that.

Yeah, so characteristics of a safe and a wise person. Because, I want to be safe and wise, you know? I want to take the things that I've learned from the past and apply them in positive ways, but becoming wise is like all kinds of things. It's not magical. It has to really be cultivated, it has to be built in our lives. It's kind of like when I talk to my clients about being an interesting person. How do you become an interesting person? And I'll always say, you know, if I'm 90 and I want people to come talk to me because I'm interesting, it's like, “Oh, I'll go have tea with Janice because I love to hear some of her stories, and, and she's an interesting person." It means we have to do some interesting things in our lives now in order to have those stories. Yeah, we cultivate them until we're 90 or 95 or I'm going for 96. So we have to cultivate wisdom in our lives the same way that we have to cultivate being interesting. Wise and safe people, wise people are safe people for themselves and for others. There's gonna be some overlap in what we talked in our last podcast because they're so similar, but I think it's important that we really meditate or think upon those things. To look at, “Am I safe? Am I wise?” Psychologists Grossman and Dorfman have done a lot of work in the area of wise people, and so we're gonna look at some of the things they have to say, and then we've added some things on the traits of wise people. And these help us know people that are good to live with, to work with, and to play with.

So one of the characteristics is: wise people are humble. Humble people have a positive sense of their own self-worth, but also value what others have to bring in a relationship or to a project. Wise people have integrity, who is, which what we mean by this is they’re, they're seeking the well-being of others. They, they're not manipulative. They're not trying to get something from you. They're not trying to manipulate your behavior so that you can then give something back to them. They actually are totally focused on the well-being of you. Wise people welcome different perspectives because they recognize their own limitations. Wise people don't think they have all the answers and don't think they have it all figured out. That's not the definition of wisdom. Wisdom in that sense is kind of like knowledge; the more you know, the more you, you know, you need to know. Absolutely. Yes. You can disagree with them without fear of their response. They listen. They're more interested in hearing what you actually think and how you truly feel than hearing an echo of their own perspective. We can't feel safe in a relationship with someone who does not value us as a person. Our hearts and minds and what we contribute to the world. And so, Eric Brown, who's a psychologist quoted this, was quoted saying, “Wise people have the ability to balance objectivity with an appreciation of the emotions of others. Wise people are able to balance head and heart. They are able to empathize deeply with the pain and concerns of those they do life with, and consider how their actions may impact others. At the same time, they do not allow their emotions or feelings to dictate their actions. Even during times of intense emotion, they know how to access their intellect and rationality. So they find the balance between head and heart. Yeah, that's good.

Wise people know that situations and relationships can change, and they accept that in their own lives, and they accept that in the lives of other people. So they understand that as the seasons change, we've got to change with them. We can't leave things exactly the way that we are. We can't lock in things or relationships the way that they are. So that means if you go through a period of time and you're feeling deep grief, or you're going through a, something that you tend to isolate or withdraw from people, they're not gonna judge you for that. They're gonna have empathy of, "Okay, they haven't called me as much or they're not around as much because they're probably going through this, this time." So they, they reach out to you to see how you're doing, but they don't get offended or hurt because you're not sharing all of the grief in your life with them. They understand that you have that ability, right, I should say the right to withdraw and not talk about everything with them. They recognize pain and they always assume the best of you.

Also, wise people aren't impulsive. They know how to self-regulate, which is what you were talking about with emotions earlier. Wise people are able to regulate their emotions so that they can think clearly and they can resolve conflicts and build relationships and make decisions, acknowledging their emotions and other people's emotions, but being clear to follow through and to discuss some of those things. They also recognize that none of us are perfect. What?! And that if we're going to be in relationships, we're gonna have conflict. It's normal, and they're willing to work through that conflict and not allow a conflict with somebody, or a disagreement with somebody to derail their relationship. They're willing to work on the things that need to be worked on.

So wise people also see and recognize patterns. Now the reality is, older isn't always wiser. There are older people that are not very wise because they haven't learned from their circumstances or picked up insight from their situation. So the people [who] are wise look to see what they've learned from past situations, and how to apply that to new challenges that they have. So you see this integration of experience, and what they've learned, and how that can be applied to new opportunities. Wise people can navigate their environments well, which, in essence, suggests it's back to this idea. They recognize things are going to change. That we're gonna get thrown curveballs all the time. You know, we’ve, we talked about grief before, we've talked about the fact that we believe that everybody's grieving something all the time. So it just means… change. I mean, life can be going just really sweet and you're gonna have things that just aren't the way you wish they were. And so, so, so wise people navigate the reality that things are gonna change, that we can't just lock into, “Okay, this is the way it's gonna be forever" and set ourself up for that. So Robert Sternberg - he's a psychology professor at Cornwell - says, "One attribute of wise persons is their ability to decide between three possible responses to one's environment." The first one is when a person is not pleased with their, their circumstances or situation, they can simply adjust or adapt to their context. So, so we have the ability to, "Okay, this isn't working out this way anymore." You know, we've had, you know, in our private practice we've had people at times move where they decide to go out on their own or whatever and, and as much as we don't love the, it's not thrilling, to see that kind of change. Yeah. We've just had to learn to adjust. "Okay, that's what it is now. So how, what do we do about that?" The second is: they can seek to shape their situation and begin to, again, which is making adjustments, you know to that. Or the third is to seek a new environment altogether. You know, we've had times where we've thought, “Okay, do we need to think about a different model of how we're doing our practice or doing life?” You know, maybe this means we need to make big changes in our life or whatever. Now, now most people will try a combination of the first two before moving on to the third, but wise people just, they navigate those things. They just realize life is, is a moving target. Mm-hmm. And so we, we simply have to do the best we can with circumstance that we're faced with. And, and are, you know, the resources that we have. It's not getting stuck where we are saying, “This isn't how it should be. But I'm not gonna move or do anything different. I'm just gonna be miserable in this.” They, they accept it and they move on. Along with that wise people make the best of bad situations. As you said, we've got a lot of disappointments and hurt in our lives. Things don't always work out the way that we want them to, but that's part of life. And so we have to go, "What's the best in this situation? What can I do with this?" Wise people have a way, know the way we respond to deep disappointment has significant impact on who we become. They look for things they can change and they accept the things that they can't change, and they adapt to them. And, you know, I have to say after, you know, 46 years of marriage and all the different things that we've been through, we've hit some hard times. We've hit some times that have been extremely painful. But even though they were so painful at times, I thought they were devastating and we wouldn't recover, I would not trade what we've done in all our lives for anything. Because I feel like we've grown in so many ways and I know personally, it's helped me confront some of my own issues and really deal with those. So, I think there's been blessings in the hard things that have come, and learning how to adapt and get the wisdom that comes from those. Yeah, that's the challenge, which I love and I hate, is that most growth in our life is gonna come through pain. I'm gonna go through things [that] don't work out the way we wish they would. Yeah. And if we can just lean into that. You know, I tell my clients every day that they come in oftentimes with a lot of pain, and I said, "Just lean into this. There's something here we can learn from. We usually run from pain, or hide from it, or medicate it in some way, but just lean into it. And, and that can oftentimes become the greatest growth opportunities that we have.

Yeah. It is important to remember that wise people choose their close relationships carefully. So we need to cultivate wisdom within us so that we can be helpful for other people but also so that we can have good relationships with wise people, so that we do have those healthy relationships. And so sometimes that means we have to look at our past mistakes in relationships, see the ways that we have messed things up, look for ways to grow and change from that so we can go forward to being those safe and wise people for people around us. It's that humility thing. There's relationships I look back on that, "Oh, yeah, I think I messed that up." And so it's accepting that and then learning and growing and moving on to other relationships.

So as we close this section, this time where we've looked at safe people, now we're adding wise people to that. We're gonna end with some, some of these kind of a summary of these qualities and characteristics of, of safe and wise people, and they're quotes from real people. Yeah and so these are, kind of have the quality and then it came out of a response from people that were interviewed. Yeah. So just listen to this and maybe put this as a little bit of a kind of a framework around your life and your relationships and and how are you being with other people, and do you have these people in your life? Yeah. Those key resources. Good. So the first one is they listen first. So somebody said, “Someone who listens with empathy and who knows they can't fix it, but is still there without judgment." Really powerful. Number two: they validate. The person said, “Validation. They don't have to try to understand, but they listen and validate what you're feeling, and realize it's real and legitimate. Even if they don't get it, they realize it's real and legitimate to you. Rather than giving the 'what-ifs' or the 'things will be better,' they just listen and let the person who's struggling know what they're feeling isn't going unheard." Third one is they help you grow. Person said, “Someone who helps you grow. That can be a very vague answer, but someone who will not just only be a patient and empathetic person, but also someone who will be firm enough to keep pushing you. I always feel like I have to be fake towards a lot of people because in a way I have to protect them on how I really feel." Feel like they have to, that's interesting, that they feel like they have to, if they let them know how they really feel, they feel like it would, they couldn't handle it or something. Right. “Someone who I feel emotionally safe is someone I can let my guard down and just be real, even if it's only five minutes seeing that person." The fourth one is: “They don't tell you how you should feel or think, so other than being non judgmental the most important characteristic that an emotionally safe person will avoid saying thing, will avoid saying things like, ‘Don't think that way' or ‘You shouldn't feel that way.’" Those declarative sentences. “They shouldn't encourage or enable me in my illness, but they also shouldn't try to devalue or erase my experiences. My feelings and thoughts may be dysfunctional, but they're real, and to dismiss them makes me feel like a child lectured by some arrogant authority figure who is once again telling me how wrong I am." Number five: they stay neutral when you need them to. "The safe people that are the most safe, and that are the most safe and secure comes with my emotion, when my emotions and mental health are consistently neutral. When I start to speak negatively of myself, having an overwhelming emotional response to something, or I'm having a difficult time with any aspect of my mental health. In other words, they don't jump in and judge that and try to fix it; they accept it for what it is. They only react negatively when they truly feel it's necessary and only react positively when I ask for validation or support. This person goes on to say, “This might seem strange but it's such a beautiful and helpful thing. It gives me the space to handle and work through my stuff independently, while also feeling like I have the safety net of support when necessary." Number six, and I think this one is absolutely critical in all relationships: they are patient. “Patience. Because sometimes I'm a mess. I could be inconsistent in my actions and when I try to talk about my feelings, it can be so scattered that it's hard for even me to follow." Number seven was they don't judge. So this person's response was to describe that was, “An emotionally safe person is the living embodiment of your favorite blanket right out of the dryer. You wrap up in it and it doesn't judge you. It's warm and inviting, no matter what you're going through or what you have to say. It'll always be there for you no matter what. You feel safe and calm, and once it's worked its magic, happy." That's great. Number eight: they don't take your struggles personally. A person said, described that by saying, it's a person’s, “The ability to not try to make my symptoms all about them." That's good. And number nine: they keep their word. "Someone who keeps their word says they're going to call the bank at four, and actually calls the bank at four, or tells me they were unable to do it at that time." Number ten: they let you drop your guard. “Compassion, listening, empathy, letting me express and process my feelings and thoughts. No judgments, patience, a caring attitude - these are the characteristics from only certain people I know that have helped me immensely, and my definition of an emotionally safe person. It helps me drop my guard that I didn't know was up anyway and really feel vulnerable. I cry and the weight of the issues decreases." That's beautiful. Number 12: their goal isn't to fix you. “Someone who listens and doesn't try to fix me." Number 13: they can empathize. This person described that by saying, "Someone who has been there and can empathize in ways most other people can’t. Empathy is the main one for me," they said, "and compassion. I don't want to burden anyone and I don't want to feel like I'm burdening anyone. I have to know they actually care, and want to help and listen." She went on to say, "I know for sure of three people I can count on." That's a blessing. Number 14: they are okay with silence. This person said, “Patience and sometimes just being around someone who is quiet. My head will spin so much sometimes. It's nice to have someone that will just sit there with me and not take my, make my head go any faster." Number 15: they assert their own needs and boundaries. “Forgiving and understanding, but not a doormat. Just someone who understands I go backwards sometimes and is still there to cheer on my successes when they happen. Also someone who can be the calm to my storm." So those are great. Oh yeah. And very real. Yeah, yeah. So as we close this topic on safe people, we certainly hope that you're going to find safe and wise people in your life. And as we hear these important qualities, I think our prayer is, “Lord, let me be this. Let me be safe and wise in people's lives, and let us find this in our life through others and realize that any really we're just embodying the way God is with us." He's the ultimate safe person. And wise. I was gonna go on to say that, the ultimate safe person that, that just understands exactly what we're going through, and feels our feelings and experiences, what we experience and so we can trust that safety. And then yes, wise. That has the ability to then help us learn from our experiences learn from our difficult things, and so we wish this for you. Yes. For today, go in peace. Blessings as you go.

The Life and Love Nuggets podcast should not be considered or used for counseling but for educational purposes only.