Procrastination (Episode 63)

Brent and Janis look at why do we procrastinate about important things in our life sometimes and what are strategies to minimize the negative effects in our life and relationships.

This podcast should not be considered or used for counseling but for educational purposes only.

Transcript:

Welcome to Life and Love Nuggets, where licensed therapists Brent and Janice Sharpe share how you can thrive in your life, your love, and your relationships. 

Hello friends, welcome back to Life and Love Nuggets. We're glad that you joined us again. And we are kind of looking forward to this topic. I think it's something that affects all of us. And so, do you ever find yourself putting off important things too long to where it causes a problem? I think this is really appropriate in tax season.

That's right, it is. Making an important call that you feel is gonna be uncomfortable, putting off that doctor's appointment, or you're worried about the results, or maybe that home project or work project that you just don't enjoy doing, and so we just keep putting it off. We basically say, welcome to the human experience. Okay, I mean, this is something we're all gonna experience.

But why do we do this? And what do we do about possibly changing this pattern? So that's what we're gonna talk about today, this phenomenon called procrastination. Yes, we were gonna do it in the fall, but we put it off. And of course, I'm glad we never do this. This is, of course, just about helping our clients. Other people that we know. So procrastination is defined as the act of delaying or putting off tasks until the last minute or past their deadline. Some researchers define procrastination as a form of self-regulation failure, ouch, characterized by the irrational delay of tasks despite potentially negative consequences. However, if you put procrastination on the Scrabble board, you get 19 points. I'm not sure how you'd have that many tiles, but maybe if somebody put nation down, then you could go procrast, I don't know.

But, you know, fun facts. Okay. So to understand what causes procrastination, outside of conditions like ADD or ADHD, where executive functioning issues make it difficult to finish a task, we have to look at what procrastination is and what it isn't. Procrastination is different than just delaying a task because you really need to talk to somebody. You know, there's this, there's a boss that you need to get an answer for, a project or something, or just not getting around to reading some literary classic like Moby Dick or something you've always wanted to do. Or in my case, as an Enneagram One, where I spend my life trying to fix everything and make everything perfect and before I could ever possibly relax, it's actually okay to say, it's okay if it doesn't get done today and just, and put it off. And that's, so delaying a task sometimes can be okay in that kind of situation. I have my other ways of procrastination being a problem, but, so that's kind of what it's not. Yes. So a professor of psychology at the University of Sheffield in England defines procrastination this way. The voluntary unnecessary, which is a different delay of an important task despite knowing you'll be worse off for doing so.

On the surface, he says, procrastination is an irrational behavior. And the article that I read goes on to say, why would somebody put off to the last minute and then they're stressed out of their mind and they end up doing a poor job or less than optimal job on it? And then they feel bad about it afterwards. And it may even have implications for other people. It does kind of sound dumb, doesn't it? It does.

Why would we do this? And yet, we all do it. Everybody does it. Some are worse than others, but yes, we all do it. We can easily fall into the procrastination hole of social media, news scrawl. You know, you start reading the news and then you go to this article that they referenced and then this one and then this one.

I've heard people do that. And you know, when we do that, when we should really be doing something else, that's when it becomes a problem. Or we get caught up in a Netflix series or just laying in bed too long, doing anything other than what we really do need to be doing. Sometimes our procrastination is doing things that don't need to be done right now to distract us from what we need to be doing. I always say, I can get so much done when I'm procrastinating on something I don't wanna do. That's when you sit down and go, I really need to work on this. And it's like, oh, I better throw in some laundry real quick before I get started.

That's the way to do it. Oh, you know that shelf that I keep those shoes on? It's dusty. Maybe I should go dust that. Now, nevermind that it's been dusty for weeks. I just need to do it at that moment. Or even, there's a sale on cushions for outdoor furniture and I really need to check it out because- You don't wanna miss out. I know, who knows what could happen? It's all those little things that don't need to be done right now that distracts me purposely. I procrastinate doing what I really need to do. I asked a friend to lunch with me last week and I told her, please go to lunch with me because I'm procrastinating on finishing up all my notes on the procrastination  podcast. Podcast, yes.

She didn't, isn't that rude? But it's done. So procrastination can be rare for some, maybe just a bad habit that slightly impacts our lives or is annoying to our spouses. Or for about 20% of the population, it's suggested one out of five, this is a very serious problem. So why do we procrastinate? Why do we put off those work projects or home projects or whatever it is, or going to the dentist or putting gas in the car?

Why do we do this? So why do we avoid doing the things that we really do need to do? Sometimes it's because, simple answer, we just don't feel like it.

I don't wanna do that. There's something else I really wanna do that's gonna be a lot more fun right now and I don't wanna do this thing that I need to do. Do you find that as an Enneagram seven sometimes? I've heard that some Enneagram sevens struggle with that. I mean, I'm pretty sure I never do that. But it's the idea that do that later. I'm gonna do what's fun now and I'll do that later. But that's assuming we're gonna have time later on. And that's assuming that we're gonna just one day go, oh, I have an extra half an hour, I think I'll clean my bathroom or I think I'll sort through all of that mail.

We don't do that. We aren't guaranteed that extra time. And what we're doing is we are stealing time from tomorrow and next week by not doing it right now. We don't have a guarantee that we're gonna have a lot of extra time in the future. I heard a few months ago, I may have mentioned this on the podcast already, but I heard a few months ago about the two-minute rule. And it's if something takes less than two minutes, do it now.

And it's surprising how much you can get done in two minutes. It's like, oh, I can put my shoes in the closet. Oh, I can put my curling iron in the drawer. I can return a quick text or an email in two minutes. And so it is surprising what we can get done that we just go, when I have time, I'll do that. Take those two minutes and do it now. Now, this doesn't apply to all of you. What? I have heard- Are you telling on me again? Of a marriage where the partner always has one more thing to do right as you're leaving the house that can make you a little bit late and make someone a little bit late. And for some people, that can be quite irritating.

Gee, that's really interesting that people would do that. Yeah, think about it with your clients. I think it's an interesting thing. Love to study that sometime. But I do think that many of us procrastinate because we don't accurately estimate how long it takes to do it. I really see this with cleaning chores. You know, my client is saying, oh, my bathroom is horribly dirty. But if I clean my bathroom, that's gonna take an hour. I'll wait till I have more time, which sounds good. But again, will we?

Am I gonna have that extra hour to do that? I think shame and perfectionism really fit into this, to all types of procrastination. You know, we're given the message of anything worth doing is worth doing right. And so if I can't get something done, if I can't go through that big stack of mail or sending a reference for somebody, then I end up not doing anything.

I just freeze. We can easily get a freeze response when we feel, oh, I can't do this right, so I won't do it. But when we don't do it, we live with shame messages. Like my mother would die if she saw this bathroom. What kind of a person lives like this? It's terrible you haven't done that yet or called that person or read that book for work or your class that needs to be read. We beat ourselves up, we procrastinate, and then we beat ourselves up for procrastinating. But shame doesn't ever motivate anybody. It moves us toward self-loathing, but it also causes us to freeze. If we start feeling shame, we're more likely to go, I'm just gonna go binge a Netflix series to shut down. And so we procrastinate even more and we go into denial.

There's a couple of things I do when I work with my clients. One of them is any cleaning or sorting through mail or working on a project, any of it that you do is better than doing nothing. Even if you do one part of the report, if we can just start something, it's easier to keep going on it. But even if we just do a part of it and quit, then we're more likely to go back to it again.

It's what we talk about with exercise. I've always said when I used to be a runner, the hardest part was putting my shoes on and getting out the door. Do one little thing and it'll get you to keep going. I also challenged some of my clients, especially with household issues, to clean their bathroom and time it. Most people are surprised at how little time it takes to do some household chores, like taking out the trash, throwing in a load of laundry, making the bed. I found out years ago when the kids were little, this was before you made my coffee for me every morning.

This is when we had small kids at home. I found out that the time it takes for my espresso machine to get hot enough to foam milk, I could unload the dishwasher. I have to do it fast, but I could do that. So it was fitting it in with something that I already do. Now, this is not gonna be a surprise to you, but I have a problem with putting off phone calls. I hate to make doctor's appointments or anything where you have to actually do it on the phone. If I can do it online, it's no problem at all, but I have to actually call somebody, not just text them or call them. In my mind, that takes so long.

What generation were you born in? Hmm, I don't know.

Sounds like our children. It's true, it's true, I didn't think about that. But I think, oh, I'm gonna need an hour to schedule two or three appointments. I better set some time aside. And the funny thing is, if I have a no-show client or something and I have an extra hour, and I sit down and make those two or three phone calls, gosh, it only takes 15 minutes or less, and it's done. And it always surprises me, because in my mind, it takes a lot longer than that. So sometimes we overestimate how much time it's gonna take, and sometimes we underestimate how long a task will take. And if we think that, oh, I can go ahead and do this because I can get that done really fast, and so I'll just do whatever I wanna do, and it gives us a false sense of security that, oh, it's only gonna take 15 minutes to write that report, so I'll just goof off here or do something else right now. And so. This is when you have teenagers and they go, I have a little bit of homework, but I can do it in the morning on the way to school.

That's exactly right. Yeah. That's the principle, okay. And so it's really, recognize we need to rightly be able to assess what time, actually, things do take. So we're gonna talk about a few different reasons so that we procrastinate.

Obehi, Olofajie, I don't know. It's easy for you to say. I don't know if that's the right way to say their name or not, but they're a psychologist and workplace productivity expert. So there are basically five main reasons that we procrastinate.

Um, perfectionism is number one. Sometimes we put off doing that report or sending that email because I just need to make sure it's perfect. And I don't have time right now to read it enough to make sure that it's perfect. And so it involves working on something until the last possible minute to ensure it's perfect and then we end up, or end up not doing it at all. And so the, or we just, again, put it off because I can't do it right or I don't know how to do it right. And so I'm just not gonna try. Yeah. If I can't do it perfectly, I'm not gonna do it at all. Yeah, and that goes back to the, anything worth doing is worth doing right. That's why sometimes I will have people procrastinate on cleaning the bathroom because they need a toothbrush to go over all of the grout. And I'm like, you know, just putting some cleaner over it and wiping it down would help a lot.

So wherever that message comes from, whether it's passed down to you, you know, from parents or family systems, or whether that's a personality kind of a tendency, perfectionism can be a killer. Yeah. Some people procrastinate because it's a thrill. They like the adrenaline that comes when they wait till the last minute to get it done. So for some people, not starting a project until right before the deadline or waiting to leave the house until the last possible minute gives them some kind of enjoyable adrenaline rush. I often hear people say, you know, I just work better under a deadline. I just have more creative ideas when I get closer to that time. And that may work for a few people, but I would really ask you, if you are one that's like that, ask yourself, am I getting a thrill or is it an anxiety rush that I'm feeling?

Because that's a whole different thing. And that can cause you to have increased anxiety. Yeah. So the third one is simply avoiding. Believing that you're not good at something or you just, so you just put it off. For this type of procrastination, the worry of making a mistake or fear of judgment is so overwhelming that it stops someone from doing the task at all. And so sometimes we avoid out of fear. So what if I get on the hotline trying to get the Espresso machine fixed?

And I, you know, I heard this, of course. Yeah, and it has nothing to do with the one sitting in our garage. That we have one sitting somewhere. Because what am I gonna do if I get on the phone with them and they just say, well, you just go to the compupilator and press it three times, then you turn the machine over and put it in the four-digit code that of course came with the machine 15 years ago when you bought it, which you have those records, of course, put away in your drawer. Then you tap that three times on the Rogorolo or whatever, unless you have the D model, then you tap it twice and then spin the wheel bed three times.

Should be perfect, you got that. No, you lost me at the compupilator. And is that actually a thing or is that just your accent? So we don't wanna look stupid or not knowing what we're talking about.

I wanna feel competent. We all wanna feel competent. So we just put things off that we're afraid to do. You know, I may have some chairs, some kitchen chairs right now that are sitting that need to be glued. And I really do kind of know how to do this, but I'm not sure if I know how to do it perfectly without messing up the weaving in the base. And so they just sit.

Yes, but not sat in. But not sat in.

Who does that? Who does that?

So number four from the psychologist who I'm not gonna pronounce her name, is the head in the sand. So another reason why people procrastinate is simply, as we said earlier, they don't wanna do it. Now, there's probably a deeper reason, but we just don't wanna think about it because we don't wanna be uncomfortable. And that leads to the head in the sand procrastination. It's like somebody burying their head in the sand and acting like that task just doesn't exist. If I can't see it, I'm just not gonna think about it. We see this a lot with people with clutter. I'm hearing this more and more with people who are helping their parents clean out their home to move to retirement centers or to downsize. And their parents just will not get rid of things.

They will not get rid of the clutter. And I think there's a lot of reasons for that. I think grief, the idea of having to leave my home, this is the end of this era, I'm no longer gonna be independent anymore. I think that's a huge possibility or cause. I think sadness about getting rid of things from the past. I think for elderly people, if they're not strong enough to move things around, it's hard because they don't want people in their stuff sometimes. And so it's easier to just put their head in the sand and just go, I'm just, it's fine. There's nothing to do.

Let's just not worry about it. We'll do it later on. And I think all of us have that to a certain degree. I see the head in the sand sometimes in marriage counseling. I don't know if you do. But especially with date night. You go, so, if you had a date night, and they go, oh, yeah, no. After you've encouraged them to and kind of shared how to do it. Yes, it's been a whole session going through it all. It's like, oh, we just haven't gone through, we just haven't taken the time to do that.

We've been really busy. Really busy. Really busy.

So oftentimes, the reason why they procrastinate on it is because it's gone badly when they did it before. And so they're afraid to try the new incredible techniques that we have for them to do a date night. Or sometimes, and this is usually a more serious sign, is it's because they don't really wanna do what their partner wants to do. Or they're not sure if they like their partner. So they just procrastinate on planning dates.

Yeah, stay stuck. Yep. And then the fifth one is just distraction.

The shiny object syndrome. Just being distracted by something else. I would, draws our attention away from the really important thing. Now certainly, we see this, you know, in executive functioning issues of ADD. But I would say we're kind of developing an ADD culture just by how quickly things on social media and our computers and our phones switch, you know. Any feeds last just a few seconds, it goes to the next one. And so there's just very little ability to stay focused. And so you get this text, and then all of a sudden now I need to check the weather, and that leads you to looking at the news, and that goes to the next news feed, and then you go down this rabbit hole instead of completing a project. So those are considered kind of the five main reasons why we procrastinate. Yes, so what we have to ask ourselves is why do I procrastinate, or why do you procrastinate? I think a lot of it boils down to fear.

Fear of not having enough time, fear of not wanting to get bad news. You know, people go, I don't wanna go to the doctor, I might get bad news. Not wanting to feel bad, or not wanting to feel that you're gonna be stuck someplace you don't wanna be. A fear of looking stupid, as you said. You know, the doctor, I went this morning, you can be very proud of me. But it's easy for people, I'll have people go, well, I don't wanna go to the doctor or dentist because I don't wanna have bad news.

So that's sticking your head in the sand. You're not gonna stay well just because you don't go to the doctor. You just don't know about it. But sometimes, if you, most of the time, when you go to the doctor, they go, oh, you're really healthy, yeah, things are good.

And no horrible things actually come up. But that's a fear that a lot of people have. And again, we're just talking about some of the reasons that we all do this. You know, I don't wanna call that person because it'll take too much time. I mean, I feel, you know, I'm gonna feel weird or stressed in the conversation, but then I feel bad for not making that call. And we get stuck there. And we forget that we can set boundaries. You know, a phone call, say, hey, I've just got 10 minutes, wanted to check in with you.

So 10 minutes is gonna be easy, okay, gotta go, you know. Some people are on hold for some company with the music going forever. You can actually hang up and call back. And so anyway, that's one of the things. I'm not gonna do the difficult household tasks, take the trash out, or work on the garage, or do this or that, because I don't wanna miss the last half of the game or whatever, and again, recognizing it's not gonna take that long, or okay, we can record this and get back to it.

There are options. There are options, you know. Again, lots of things going on. Usually when we're procrastinating, there's a number of things swirling around in our head that all seem important. But are they really all of equal importance? Yeah, and so let's talk about a few things that can help, a few action steps going forward that might help. I've found one of the things that helps is making a list of everything I need to be doing and being as honest as possible with that. Put every little detail that comes to mind, because you have those swirling around in your brain, and just putting them on paper sometimes can be really helpful to go, this is what's nagging at me, and then we need to look at their priority. What are things that have to be done today? What are things that are of utmost importance? Taxes goes in that, unfortunately.

You're very good at that. And if number one on your priority list stays number one day after day after day, and you're doing two, three, and four, and all those kind of things, it'll show us something.

It's like, okay, I'm procrastinating. I'm putting this off. Why, what's the reason? Well, and I think we also need to estimate how much time they take, because you can have a long list, and then it's like, oh, I got all of those done in a half an hour.

That was amazing. So we have to really be honest about how long it takes. And again, if you don't know, time it, and just see so you get more information. And then I think we have to ask, how do these impact the quality of my life? Do I feel terrible a lot because I'm not getting some of these things done because I haven't returned calls or emails?

I haven't gotten my taxes paid. Do I feel terrible about that? And then what do I do to make sure that I can get some of that done so I don't have to carry around all of that anxiety and guilt? We need to ask ourselves, will I be guaranteed to have more time another day or next month to do this? Because there's sometimes people will. I mean, teachers that work throughout the school year, if they have a couple months off, they'll oftentimes put off their projects until summer. But we all have to ask ourselves, do I have that time, and will I actually do it during that time? And looking at each of these and recognizing, is there information that I'm missing to get this completed? Is that what's keeping me stuck?

And then realizing, where can I get it? Who can I ask? We're working on a office remodel project here in one of our buildings, and I realized that there's a couple of subs that I need to get in to help, and I've been thinking about it all week. And I went and looked first to try to find their number, and I couldn't find it. And so it's just sat there. But there's other people that I could go to to ask them. The people who referred them to. I mean, in the first place. And I just need to go get that information. And so if I'm missing information, how do I get it? And then going and get it.

Is there something I need to delegate? I found out in our practice that there are some things that I found myself just putting off and putting off. And then I talked to our office manager about it, and she like loves to do those things. Yeah. I just, okay, great.

She's a blessing. You do them. Yeah. And so there's some things maybe that need to be delegated that could get you unstuck. It might not be the whole thing. It might be a part of it or a couple pieces of it. So if you can delegate something, delegate it. And if it is my fear of messing up or looking foolish, is it worth living with the anxiety of the procrastination? We have to recognize that even though there's going to be some short-term discomfort in having a meeting and confronting somebody or doing this or that, is it worth living with the long-term anxiety that goes with that going undone and just being really honest with ourselves? And so, again, we're kind of going in and out of some options, some things we can do. You mentioned already some of the ways to get started.

If you have this list of things and you put them in priority, again, sometimes that number one is so looming that maybe two, three, and four take two minutes. So maybe start with those that take the least amount of time. It's kind of like in budgeting. If you're paying off debts, pay off the smallest one first and let it roll into bigger ones. And so start with the ones that just take a little bit of time, get those things done. There's something about the momentum of checking stuff off your list and go to ones that take five minutes and get those checked off your list. And so that can help get some real momentum going and get us unstuck. Yeah, and it's so important that we not let ourselves just go into shame over what needs to be done.

You are not a bad person because you've delayed on this. Absolutely, absolutely. Just because your house is dirty or you're late on a report or even if you have to file an extension on your taxes, it doesn't make you a bad person.

But shame causes us to freeze. And so we have to let go of that shame and know I'm loved by God and still am an okay person even if I haven't gotten some of these done. There's a professional organizer called the Fly Lady and her saying is, you're not behind, you're just getting started. So even if you have to say that every day or every hour, I'm not behind, I'm just getting started. And then of course, because I'm a seven, you need to reward yourself for doing some of those projects. Now, maybe not the two minute ones, but maybe an accumulation of something or maybe something that you're really, really dreading doing that when you get it done, you go get a coffee or you go for a walk or you do something as a reward. But I also wanna mention, if you are procrastinating in a way that you haven't before, if this is an unusual thing for you and you're procrastinating on some really big things or if you find yourself not getting out of the house because you just don't wanna take a shower or get dressed, those are signs of depression. And so we need to recognize it as that and get help because there are ways that you can work through depression and not have to deal with that anymore. Good, good. So something we all deal with, it's gonna affect all of us in some ways. Hopefully, some of the things we've talked about could maybe get you dislodged, is that the right word? Unlodged? It is for now, dislodged, I think, yeah.

If we're stuck, but that can help you get moving and push through procrastination and eliminate the negative impact of procrastination. And so some simple steps that might help you get moving forward. So our whole goal here is to help you thrive as an individual and thrive in your relationship. So for today, go in peace, blessings as you go. 

The Life and Love Nuggets podcast should not be considered or used for counseling, but for educational purposes only.