Prerequisites for Healing (Love, Lies and Betrayal • Part 2) Episode 35

In this episode, Brent and Janis explore the prerequisites for healing and recovering from an affair.

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The Life & Love Nuggets podcast will help you learn valuable insights into relationships, life, and love. Brent and Janis have been empowering couples through pre-marriage and marriage therapy in their private practice, Life Connection Counseling, since 1982. They recently retired after forty years of pastoral ministry and are continuing to help individuals, marriages and families in their private practice.

The podcast is produced by Clayton Creative in Tulsa, Oklahoma. The content should not be considered or used for counseling but for educational purposes only.

Transcript:

[Brent]: Welcome back, friends, to our podcast. We started last time looking at this very difficult reality that's happening at a very alarming rate in our culture. Over particularly the last couple of decades we've seen it, which is marital affairs, people stepping outside the relationship and really, breaches of trust of all kinds.

[Janis]: Of all kinds.

[Brent]: And so, before we get started, we wanted to just mention again, we'd love to hear from you if you have any questions that you'd like us to respond to on the podcast. Maybe it's about some topic we've already covered or maybe some topic that you have interest in, that you think we might know a little bit about.

[Janis]: Or at least we’ll try.

[Brent]: Or at least we’ll try. It's also helpful if you subscribe to the podcast, even leave a review on Apple podcasts. It's always helpful to help other people find us and so-- And finally, if you want to help support us in this endeavor and keep this moving, then you can always go to lifeandlovenuggets.com/donate to help with that.

[Brent]: Today we want to begin to give you a framework on how we can recover from these serious breaches of trust in relationships. But remember, as we talk about this idea of a fair recovery, there is always great hope when we get two people sitting on the couch in front of us, that both say they're committed to working on this and they'll do whatever it takes, which it takes some time for people to get there sometimes.

[Janis]: More than they want.

[Brent]: Yeah, we don't always get both of them in that place to start with, but when we do, we've seen amazing results. Probably over 80% of them say that they walk away better off than they ever were before and as we talked last time; it really requires that they have to look at things deeper. They can't just float through life and deal with mediocrity and so, it forces them to really press in and oftentimes we see some really amazing results. But we have to remember, there is no quick fix. This is not a sprint; this is a marathon. But if couples can endure, we see some pretty amazing things happen.

[Janis]: That's right. So, eventually we're going to talk about the four stages of recovery and what people go through in those stages. But today we want to talk about what are some prerequisites in order to get there, so that you can understand what needs to happen before healing really begins.

[Brent]: Yeah

[Janis]: So, first thing that I think is really important to say is the person who has the affair is totally responsible for going outside of marriage. If your partner had an affair, it's not your fault. Now, that doesn't mean you're perfect, it doesn't mean that you never did anything wrong.

[Brent]: Yeah, or don't need to work on some things, right?

[Janis]: Right. But you are not responsible for the affair. It was their choice to go outside of the marriage and there were other choices. You know, any of us, if we're unhappy in our marriage, it's our responsibility to go and get some help or to work on things to make the relationship better. Stepping outside really is not a good idea.

[Brent]: We always say that-- Again, sports metaphor, but somebody needed to throw a flag, you know?

[Janis]: Yes

[Brent]: And the betrayer, if they were feeling vulnerable or they were unhappy or they felt a click with somebody that scared them a little bit or even excited them, they had the opportunity to throw a flag and say “we need some help. I'm vulnerable. We've got to get some help here” and that is their responsibility.

[Janis]: Right.

[Brent]: So, it is not the betrayed's fault.

[Janis]: Yes, and so often I'll hear people say “but I told them over and over and over again”. If they're not hearing you, then you say “I'm throwing a flag” or “we're going to counseling because I don't want to live like this anymore”.

[Brent]: “Or at least I’ going”.

[Janis]: Yes, exactly.

[Brent]: And so, how do I deal feeling vulnerable? How do I manage that, being in a marriage that I'm unhappy with? Again, it's that person's responsibility.

[Janis]: Right.

[Brent]: And so, people have said in the past that, well, the partner was just codependent. You know, they were passive and needy and didn't really, you know, deal with issues and speak up and that did not cause this. Now, if there is this kind of pleasing behavior or codependent kind of behavior, then that needs to be dealt with, obviously. But it did not cause the problem.

[Janis]: Yes

[Brent]: And so--

[Janis]: Any issues in the marriage need to be dealt with and in the process of healing, that's what we have to go back through, is look at what are the risk factors, what are the weaknesses, what's going on in the marriage that needs to be healed in addition to the affair.

[Brent]: Yes, yeah, and so, whatever those risk factors are, have to be addressed ultimately, and we're old enough. Because we're old people. We're old enough to remember counsel that even many pastors, really caregivers, were giving particularly if the husband had an affair that they were giving to the wives saying “well, you probably just weren't loving him good enough. You need to really be better at that. You need to, first of all, just forgive him. He's sorry. Just forgive him and go on and you just need to do better” and we remember that kind of-- I mean, this was-- We're not 300 years old.

[Janis]: That's right.

[Brent]: I mean, we remember 40 years ago or so, this kind of counsel and we're like “No! This is not okay!”

[Janis]: Yeah

[Brent]: This is horrible advice. It often leads to the women having to very passive and pleasing. That often led to some of the behavior in the first place and it allows it to continue. It allows that behavior-- Oftentimes the men just go “well, I guess they don't really respect themselves much and so, I've kind of lost respect for them” and it keeps happening. Now, Dr. James Dobson was one of the first Christian leaders. Again, this was almost 40 years ago now. That gave some proper perspective to this. He was a psychologist as well as a Christian, and he was integrating these principles, these scriptural principles and psychological principles and he wrote a book called Love must Be Tough and his advice, that was to the betrayed, that you need to respect yourself. You need to be able to say “this is not okay. I am not okay with this. I do not deserve to be treated this way and this needs to change”. Basically, saying to their partner “this is the most devastating thing that I could ever imagine happening. But if you are choosing that other person, then I'm going to be okay. I am going to figure out how to be a healthy individual. It's devastating to me. But if you want to choose them, go on” and not grovel, not plead, come across needy in that way and basically, “I don't deserve to be treated this way”.

[Brent]: So, the idea is being able to say something like “I love you. I'm committed to this marriage. I'm willing to work on us. I know I've got some stuff to work on. You need to work on some stuff. We need to work on some stuff and I'm willing to do whatever as long as it takes to do that, but you have to make this choice. I'm not okay with this and you have to let that go and come back to us, to me and to us as a family” and so, it really put this idea of “love your neighbor as you love yourself” in the right perspective that these have to match, loving others as I love self and so, it just really brought some sanity to our world.

[Janis]: It's easier said than done to say “if this is what you choose, I'm going to be okay”.

[Brent]: For sure.

[Janis]: “Go on”. I mean, because everything within you wants to plead and beg and it's so counterintuitive to say “no, I'm going to be okay. If you're going to choose another person, go on. I will always be okay” and you will, but it's hard to say that.

[Brent]: Even if it's in faith.

[Janis]: Even if it's in faith, because you really want to have your pastor talk to them or your brother or his best friend or your dad. You want somebody to convince them of how wrong they are if they're leaving. But there's a couple of reasons why that's not good. First, you alluded to, it makes you look pathetic and needy.

[Brent]: Yeah

[Janis]: If you can have the confidence, even if you have to use your best acting ability to go “I'm going to be fine. I'm going to build a life, and I'm going to be fine”. I tell my clients “then you can walk around the corner and fall apart and cry”.

[Brent]: Oh my gosh, yeah.

[Janis]: But if you can project that, you don’t look needy

[Brent]: Needy isn't attractive, you know?

[Janis]: Exactly.

[Brent]: Well, I remember in junior high school that, you know, there was in your case, a little boy that every time you turned this corner in this certain class, he was like right there, just wanted to be your boyfriend. I remember a little girl that way with me and it was like “get away from me”, you know? But there was that for you. There was that little boy that kind of didn't pay you as much attention and looked more self-secured, that was more attractive.

[Janis]: Yeah

[Brent]: Now, again, this is not to be gamey, but it is just-- Even if you don't really have confidence in yourself, it’s “I'm confident in who God has made me to be. That's what I'm standing up and I am a valuable person and God will never leave me or forsake me and I'm going to get through with this”. Even though that may again be very much in faith, saying those statements, it's really critical.

[Janis]: It really is and the other reason why we want to take that approach is because when somebody is going through an affair and they're making that decision of whether to stay in the marriage or not, generally they feel trapped.

[Brent]: Yeah

[Janis]: You know, last podcast we talked about how people will go “I got air for the first time in my life” and “how could I ever leave this?”. Well, they're feeling trapped because they know they should stay in the marriage, but because of that conflict, they just feel caged in and if we can say “hey, you don't have to do this”, it generally makes them stop and think. All the preaching in the world won't do that to them, but it makes them stop and think and look at their partner and go “oh, do I really want to do this?”

[Brent]: “Want to choose this?” Yeah.

[Janis]: Yeah.

[Brent]: Yeah, I use the example of a bird in a cage because when people get trapped like that, animals will get caught in a trap and they'll chew their own leg off to get out of the trap. All they think about, it's very tunnel vision, “I have to get out of this” and that's where partners feel and so, if you have a bird in a cage and they're like “I want the world out there”, you know? And that's all they can think about, is “I want to get out of the cage. I want to get out of the cage”. Well, you let them out of the cage and they get out there and “yes, I have freedom, but oh my gosh, the food was back in the cage”.

[Janis]: Yeah

[Brent]: “The cat can't get me back in the cage” and they just get more objective. Now, again, that's a risk because you let go and some people do choose to fly away and we've never been given power to control another person's behavior and so, we have to take that risk to let that go. Really important. Not saying it's easy.

[Janis]: And I always tell women when I'm working with them is, I go back to the Proverbs 31 scripture that says “she is clothed in strength and dignity. She can laugh at the days to come” and I'll say “whatever he chooses to do, you're going to be fine because God's going to take care of you and because you have strength and dignity and you may not feel it sometimes, you may have to pull it up from way down, but you've got strength and dignity and you can laugh at the days to come. We just need to work on you building a good life and he'll be more attracted to you, but you'll also feel better about yourself”.

[Brent]: Absolutely. Secondly, the affair relationship has to be severed immediately and completely in a way that the betrayed person feels secure. Again, the betrayed person has to be able to feel safe and secure to be able to begin to heal. If someone keeps in contact with that person, it is not going to work. It has to be severed; it has to be done completely. If the idea is “well, I don't know. I mean, I'm sorry, and I want to try to make our marriage work, but I don't know if it's going to be able to recover and so, I'm going to just keep this other person in my back pocket as my go to in case that doesn't work”.

[Janis]: Yeah

[Brent]: This will never, ever, ever, ever work.

[Janis]: Ever. Right, and you can't be friends.

[Brent]: Yes.

[Janis]: You can't say “well, I don't have that kind of relationship with them, but gosh, we shared so much and we were good friends, so I don't want to lose that friendship”. You have to lose the friendship.

[Brent]: Remember, fantasy is always more powerful than reality at the moment.

[Janis]: Yeah.

[Brent]: So, I've got this person out here that I don't have to really deal with any real life with, and they just like me and they want to listen to me and we've had some cool, amazing experiences and then I've got a partner who I've crushed and they are hurt and angry and struggling and don't even want to be close to me and stuff. My goodness, if you keep the fantasy at hand, it's going to win.

[Janis]: That’s right.

[Brent]: And so, that has to be severed and, again, it has to be done in a way that the other person knows about and feels secure about.

[Janis]: So, it has to be done in a way that helps them feel like it is communicated well and you have to decide as a couple, how is that communication communicated. So, is it an email? Is it a certified letter? Is it a phone call that your spouse listens in on? It's on speaker so they're aware of it? But it's so important for the betrayed to know that that person is taking the step. Because they can just say “no, I did, I called her and I broke it off”. Well, how does she know? He's been lying about the affair all along? So, why would she believe him in that way?

[Brent]: Yes, absolutely.

[Janis]: So, it's important that both of them are in the process of cutting off that relationship.

[Brent]: Yeah, because this process takes a lot of effort. It's hard and the betrayer has to have the attitude of “I'm willing to do whatever it takes, as long as it takes” and that isn't easy. There's also a need for a discussion of what happens if the affair partner tries to reconnect. Because oftentimes that will happen. Even I've seen people cut it off, make it clear they block everything and then a few months later, the other person loops back around and says “are you sure you really want to go back to your wife? We had something so special” and so, there has to be an agreement and an understanding on the betrayer's part that “if they do communicate with me, I will not try to handle any of that on my own”.

[Janis]: Yes

[Brent]: We can't-- The betrayer cannot manage any of that on their own any longer. It should be immediately I talked to my partner “hey, they contacted me through Facebook” or “they left a note on my windshield” or whatever they did and we decide what are we going to do about that, and again, oftentimes it's usually starving, it is kind of the best thing. But one of the most challenging parts of this is that oftentimes betrayers really care about that affair partner. I mean, many times they fall in love with them or they really care deeply for their well-being and it's like “I don't want to hurt them and it's going to offend them to just cut this off. We talked about being together and now I'm just going to not talk to them. That's just so hurtful to them” and sometimes it's like “well, they're struggling emotionally” or “they're suicidal” or they're whatever and I always say that any further communication is just going to put everything at risk and we tell the betrayer “if you care about them and even if that's a good thing, a pure thing from your heart, if there are 7 billion people on the planet, there are 6,999,999,999 other people God can use to help them”.

[Janis]: Yes

[Brent]: “You are now disqualified” and so, there has to be absolutely that complete cutting off the affair before healing and restoration can take place and so, again, sometimes we've had people have to change jobs.

[Janis]: Or change gyms.

[Brent]: Absolutely. We hear a lot of gym stuff these days.

[Janis]: Yes, we do.

[Brent]: And so, it has to be complete openness, transparency, cutting it off in a way that the betrayed feels secure.

[Janis]: And in terms of transparency, you should be able to have your spouse see anything on your phone or your computer.

[Brent]: Yeah, absolutely.

[Janis]: I mean, that's so important. It's easy to want to go “why are you snooping in my things?”. But when somebody's been betrayed and they've been lied to, they need transparency almost more than anything else because, again, they don't want to feel stupid.

[Brent]: Yeah, and this is one of the things we can learn in all of our relationships about how easy-- We talked about that last time, how easy it is for people to slip up and they didn't even intend to do it and so, that kind of transparency. We always say if you're communicating something to somebody or sharing something with them or sending them something and your partner would be sitting next to you, they need to be comfortable with what you're doing there and so, just opening that up is so critical.

[Janis]: Or sometimes I'll say to people “could your kids or grandchildren see anything that's on your phone?”.

[Brent]: That's good.

[Janis]: Because that's a wake-up call for a lot of people.

[Brent]: Yeah. For sure.

[Janis]: So, third, an affair is trauma and it's critical that the betrayed people, people, person, feels seen safe, soothed and secure, just like with any other trauma. So, to ask the person who has been betrayed to sleep in the same bed with their betrayer, it's like somebody has abused you and now they want to cuddle up next to you. It's hard for them to even think about that. They're not even someplace where they can do that. What's hard is oftentimes the betrayer, once they have actually confessed and once they've broken off that relationship, they feel relief and so, they're like “yeah, and we can move on from here”. But the other person just had their world blown up and they're not ready to do that yet. So, the betrayer needs to be really aware that they're not going to get much. The person who they have wounded doesn't have a lot to offer. They're struggling and so, just because you feel better doesn't mean that they feel better and you have to give them the grace for that.

[Brent]: Absolutely. Each one of these situations obviously are different in every couple, their comfort level and all those things and we just say to the betrayed “whatever you're comfortable with”. Because oftentimes they say “well, is it okay about-- Should I be doing this?” And I go “no, there's no shoulds or odds in this. It's just what's real and honest and genuine and healing has to be real”. It can't be “well, I guess I'm supposed to do this. It's what I-- Again, respecting myself, what I can feel comfortable doing” and the betrayer has to give space for that, has to give room for that.

[Janis]: And it can be confusing because the person who is betrayed, they love the relationship too. They want to stay in the relationship and they may have days that it's like “we went to the football game together that we always go to and we had such a great time and we went out to dinner and then I felt guilty all of a sudden that I was having fun” and I'm like “no, no, no, it's fine to have fun, but know that you're probably going to have some times where you're going to be really mad again and you're going to really struggle and you're going to be distant. That's part of the process. Just like all grieving, you go all over the place”. But that's part of the process and it's accepting that that's part of healing. This is messy, it's messy business to deal with this.

[Brent]: For sure and as the betrayer will see when we have a chance to look at the four stages of recovery, that most of the beginning focuses on helping the betrayed to heal. That can be hard because, again, they oftentimes feel better, they want to reconnect and they need something from the relationship, but the person can't give it back to them and they have legitimate needs that eventually will have to be dealt with, but there has to be proper sequence. We always say it's like your marriage has been in a serious car accident and both of you are in one of the hospitals and you're both laying on gurneys and they're doing triage on you and both of you have broken bones and you're both bleeding and you both have damage that's happened. But the betrayed person is bleeding from the neck and if we don't get that stopped, they're not going to make it. So, it's going to look like initially all the doctors and nurses are running to the betrayed person, you know? And the betrayer is like, over here going “Hello!? My arm is like, backwards. Help me”.

[Janis]: Yeah

[Brent]: And they have to be able to do it in sequence. They have to be able to give themselves to the healing of the betrayed and sacrifice their own needs initially. Now, eventually, all of those things have to be met. Healthy marriages get a reasonable amount of both of their needs met and those are things are going to all have to be addressed. But that has to be done in sequence. It has to be, take care of the bleeding neck first and get them stabilized and help them feel safe and secure. Then we can begin to heal and work on things that the marriage needed, where it wasn't thriving or whatever those situations are.

[Janis]: And that's where we see or we have people tell us “our marriage is stronger now than it's ever been”, because they take the time to allow for some healing, they work on trust building and then they address those things that were missing in their marriage all along and they end up with a better marriage overall.

[Brent]: Yeah. So, this can be painful for everybody and actually, it should be painful. This is the most damaging thing that can happen in a marriage. It's going to be painful. It causes severe damage and takes a long time to recover and so, we have to respect it in that way, we have to pay attention to it that way and you know, I always tell people “if you could have an affair and your partner finds out and you tell them that you're really sorry and you really, really promise you'll never do it again and you've had a wake-up call and expect that they're going to be fine” or if you could do that and they would be fine, like in 48 hours…

[Janis]: Okay.

[Brent]: That's, like the worst thing imaginable for our brain.

[Janis]: Right.

[Brent]: That would tell us misinformation. That would be saying “well, this isn't that big a deal. Next time I'm tempted by something, then… Well, it hurts them, but they get over in about 48 hours”. This is horrible.

[Janis]: Really it is.

[Brent]: So, I think this is why God allows it to be very painful, and we all need to be able to be very respectful of that. Now, we have a two-story home that we live in and we have on the third story, it's an attic, but it's like a full attic. You put a whole another level up there. Well, it's pretty tall and if you jump off of that, if I were to go up there and decide I want to see what this is like and--

[Janis]: I'd really rather you didn’t.

[Brent]: Jump off of that. I'm going to be broken.

[Janis]: Yeah

[Brent]: I'm not going to make-- I mean, something's going to break, okay? I might not even make it at all.

[Janis]: Yes

[Brent]: It's pretty guaranteed that that's going to be a problem because a human is not supposed to be able to do that. This is not supposed to happen in a marriage. Now, because I know that, I'm not going to be jumping off of this.

[Janis]: I'm so glad to hear that.

[Brent]: I've never jumped off of it. I don't plan to jump off of it and so, we've got to, again, recognize how this hurts, the damage that it causes and the severity of the damage and I think that gives all of us wisdom, and it causes all of us to realize “okay, we need to really pay attention in our relationships”. Because the reality is, as we've mentioned, most of the people we deal with are just good people, you know?

[Janis]: Good people.

[Brent]: And many of them have values that say “this shouldn't happen, and I would never do this” and yet they slip into it and so, it should cause all of us to stop and be careful with how we're living our lives and once again, I think God allows it to be so painful because it is so important.

[Janis]: It is and we all have to guard our hearts because any of us are susceptible to it. So, we've covered the prerequisites for this.

[Brent]: Yeah

[Janis]: In the upcoming episodes, we're going to be talking about the recovery process and going through the stages of recovery.

[Brent]: So, all of us, as we've been talking about, have been touched by this. We have friends or family. Some of you may be a betrayed person or there may be some betrayers that are listening to this. Hopefully your grabbing a hold of something that can be helpful for yourself or even how you help support others. So, for today as we go, peace to you and blessings as you go.