How People Mess Up Their Lives and How to Not Make the Same Mistakes:  Part Four - Poor Boundaries (Episode 71)

Brent and Janis continue their series looking at the mistakes people make to mess up their lives by not setting good healthy boundaries in dealing with money, social relationships and work.   

Transcript:

Welcome to Life and Love Nuggets, where licensed therapists Brent and Janice Sharpe share how you can thrive in your life, your love, and your relationships.

Hello friends, welcome back to Life and Love Nuggets. With Brent and Janice Sharpe, we're glad to be with you. We've been looking forward to this. We're continuing, we're kind of going back to a series that we started several weeks ago. And we warned you that we might not go all of this in sequence. And so it- Because I'm involved.

Because you're involved, and because it's good shadow work for me. It's good to work against my natural tendencies of needing everything perfectly in order, and to do all the things in sequence. And so we have to mess things up sometimes. That's right. Just to help me. And I do my best to help you with that. Be healthy.

So we're gonna go back to a series that we've called How People Mess Up Their Lives and How to Not Make the Same Mistakes. That's quite a title. Yes. And we're gonna talk about poor boundaries today in kind of all different kinds of settings. We've referenced this idea of boundaries before in our time together, probably because it's important in such a confusing time in our world. And it is a confusing thing in our culture, I think, obviously for people of faith also, where we've kind of been told we're supposed to do this, and this is the right way to give, the right way to love, the right way to sacrifice. And so everybody's kind of trying to do kind of the right way, but oftentimes some of that can be unhealthy and can cross some boundaries of kind of this balance between respecting ourself and respecting others.

And we feel like that those need to be in good order. And so I was talking to a couple the other day and they had had something that just a really good friends of theirs, a couple had done that had just hurt them. And they were talking about it and they were saying that it's not a major offense, but it's pretty hurtful and we're having a hard time getting over it. And it seems to be coming between us. We find ourselves disconnecting a little bit time-wise and emotionally and so forth from their friends. And so we talked about it and that there's not necessarily a right or wrong on whether they should say something about it or not. I said, if you can drop it and kind of not let it bother you and realize they didn't do this on purpose and really let it go, okay.

You don't really need to say anything about this, but if it's harming the relationship, if it's coming between you, then it's probably best for you guys and for them and for the relationship to speak up. And how you speak up is the key. We've talked about that. We did a whole series on healthy ways to resolve conflict with people. That's a picture of healthy boundaries. It's, I'm gonna respect myself, but I also wanna respect you. Let's talk about this.

It's not about your bad. It's about this thing has happened that has come between us. And we need to talk about that. Really, that goes along with the scriptural concept of loving your neighbors as you love yourself. It's that balance. We love our neighbors, but we also have to love ourselves because we're all important in God's eyes. And it's finding that balance.

Now, we oftentimes see people who love themselves a little bit too much. That falls into control or can be narcissistic that need to really work on how do I love others more? But then we also have those people who either have lost respect for themselves or don't love themselves enough, and they kind of get run over and they become codependent or they just need to speak up and learn how to get some of that in balance. So today we're gonna look at some situations where people don't have good boundaries. Now, we may go back. Brent, this is gonna freak you out. No, no, here we go.

We're gonna talk about a few ways where people don't have good boundaries. We may come back later and come up with other boundaries in other ways, how to have boundaries with your dog. I'm doing some deep breathing right now. Okay, good, good. So the first one we wanna talk about is spending money. Now, we've covered money management in previous podcasts, so we're not gonna go into all those details, but the basic issue is do we have boundaries? Do we have some restraints?

Those are boundaries on ourselves, but some restraints when it goes to spending money because it's very easy in our culture with all of the credit, you can go on your phone and you can start playing games for money, and there's a lot of ways that we can not have good boundaries with spending our money. Yeah, so we find that if we don't have really clear, strong restraint in our life, really set boundaries ahead of time, then we can easily get sucked in, and this is what advertising is supposed to do. It's supposed to get you to buy stuff that you wouldn't normally think about. You need this, though. You need this. You really need this. And so if we're really, you know, we've really wanted this new furniture for the family room, and you know, we've talked about it, we've dreamt about it, we kind of envision having it, and then we find this store that's like, no payments for a year.

Which seems like a long time at that point. And you can have it like Monday, and we'll haul off your old furniture and we'll set it up for you. Oh my gosh, it is hard to restrain ourselves and to not get that furniture on Monday. And then we just kind of go to sleep on the thought of, that we're actually gonna have to start paying payments, you know, a year from now. We don't really plan on that in our budget. We're gonna be spending probably 16%, 20% interest on that at that time. We don't really think about that.

And so then, a year from now happens, and we haven't prepared that in our budget, and so that just jams us, that tightens everything up. And then some of the thoughts we had, we always wanted mom to be able to stay home and work part-time when the kids were little. That can't happen now. So we lose dreams, we lose ideals. And increased stress. Increased stress, absolutely. And that's how financial stress happens.

It's a little by little. Nobody, I don't think I've ever found anybody that's like, let's go see how much debt we can get into this weekend. It's just this little by little creeping, let's, we don't quite have the cash to do it now, let's put it on a credit card, let's do this, let's do that. It's the old frog in the hot water story where you can put frog in a pan on a stove and start heating it up, and the frog doesn't realize how it slowly is heating up until it's too late, and they're boiling. I know, sorry, kind of a gross example, but it's just that when it's little by little, we don't realize it. And so we've gotta pay attention that realize this is going to happen. And in our culture right now, there's just so many ways that we can access short-term credit and allow that to happen.

We were committed in raising four kids that we were gonna get them through school, we were gonna pay for their college, we were gonna help them with their weddings and help them get launched. Then we, many years ago, decided to plant a church, which we did not do for the financial upside. Well, if we did, it didn't work.

It didn't work. And we always had a private practice on the side and we've always worked really, really hard. But we had to make some real strong boundaries at times to pull this off and to not suffocate financially. And the kind of cars we drove, the different kind of things we did, we just had to say no to a bunch of things. And so we agreed that we were simply not gonna buy anything other than a house that goes up in value. And there were a few times we had to put cars on credit. But other than that, unless we- On payments, we didn't put them on credit cards.

Okay, yes, we had to put them on payments. Unless we had the cash to pay for it, we just weren't gonna do it. So we were salespeople's worst nightmare because we had this committed thought. So if we were looking at something, even if we were just like, well, let's go look at this. Now, the reality is we just rarely went and looked at stuff because we didn't want to tempt ourselves. But even if somebody came up to us and talked to us about it and it was just like, nope, we don't have the cash for that right now. And basically, I don't care how many payment plans you have that you want to lay out and how creative you want to get in that, the answer's no. It kept us sane and free from undue pressure.

And I remember one situation. I didn't realize the backstory, when we were talking about this, I realized there's a backstory to this. And I didn't realize this was kind of traumatic for me to even bring it up. It was like two days before our youngest was gonna- Two days before our youngest was going to be born. And- Be born. Go ahead, go ahead, tell me. Okay, two days before our youngest was going to be born, it was the evening, and Brent has a vacuum cleaner salesman come over from the church who desperately needs to make a sale and talks to this person for hours.

So- And then- Yeah, so I don't even think they sell these kinds of vacuums now, but this was like, you know, the Mercedes of vacuum cleaners that, I don't know, this was, I don't know how many- 30. 30 years ago. Yeah, let me tell you, 30, minus two days. Thank you, thank you for telling me that. I think it was $2,500 or something, I mean, it was crazy. It was horrific, yes. Now this vacuum, we still have it.

I'll tell you how we got it, but the, it will, you know, if you don't have your children, you know, locked down, it will suck children up. I mean, it's the strongest vacuum cleaner. Now it's hard to move from one floor to the other, okay, even though it's automatic once you get, anyway. So, you know, a guy had said, I just trying to get this new salesman going, can they come and do a demonstration at your house? I said, okay. And afterwards they were telling me all the different options and I was just like, no, we can't do this, you know? I was glad to let you do the demonstration, but we can't buy this.

We don't have the cash for that. He came back like six or seven times and kept dropping it. Until finally- This was the supervisor of the salesman that was there. The supervisor got on the phone and said, are you sure? I just want to get, help them get a sale. And they dropped it down so far that it was, this is just our basic cost. We just want to get them a sale.

I think it was $700 or something. And I was like, okay. We can do that. But again, if they hadn't done that, we just would have said no. It's just not an option. So whatever you're dealing with financially, in your financial world, simply set good, strong boundaries and have limits. And then adhere to your boundaries. It truly will set you free. Yeah. The other thing that we want to look at, excuse me, is poor, excuse me, poor social boundaries.

We can't even say how many people have set across from us in our office in the last 40 years and shared a story about how they crossed the line relationally. And it was because of poor boundaries. It's because they didn't have those in place ahead of time. They might've allowed themselves to text a person that they met at a conference or send cute little memes to them or send jokes back and forth. Their spouse didn't know about it. Or maybe they communicated through Facebook or Instagram or something like that. But they began to build a relationship and they got caught up.

And they weren't even purposely trying to do that. No. It happened. It's a slippery slope. It happens. You start to build a closeness and then you share a little bit more and a little bit more. And then you've crossed the line into an emotional or even a sexual affair.

And it's because the boundaries aren't in place ahead of time. Now we've talked a lot of times, it's because alcohol is involved. That it lowers their inhibitions enough or their restraints enough that they cross lines that they might not do at another time. You know, the definition of intoxication is when physical and mental control is markedly diminished. They've lost control. They've allowed themselves to do something that they might not do if they're in the right mind. Doesn't mean that people don't do it without alcohol.

But that is something that we have to guard against. And how many stories have we heard where they say, what was I thinking? Well, they weren't. And so we have to have that planned ahead of time. We have to know our boundaries because boundaries, good boundaries can prevent that from happening. Yeah, and so it's a, again, we're not trying to bash alcohol. No. But we've just seen that that's an area in social settings that people don't have good boundaries in that without a plan ahead of time that this is how I manage myself in social settings is I limit to this.

Because we always say, it is not the time to decide whether you should have another one or not when you're already a little too far on that line. Okay. And it all could be prevented with good boundaries. You wanna tell the stagecoach story that we thought was helpful? Yeah, we heard this story many years ago. And it was a man was interviewing people to be a stagecoach driver. Now, this is before we, this is history.

Yeah, this was even before college for us. Yeah, it was. Yeah, it was.

I think it was in the 1800s. We weren't around then. Oh, really? Yeah, okay. So he was interviewing people and the first person came in and said, I can drive my coach within nine inches of the edge without going off. And the next guy comes in interviews and he says, I can drive my coach within six inches of the edge without going off. And the next one comes in and he says, I can drive my coach within an inch of not going off the cliff.

And the fourth guy comes in and he looks a little down and the man who's interviewing says, well, what do you have to say? And he goes, well, I don't know because I don't even get close to the edge. I try to stay as far away from it as possible. And he's the man that got the job because the idea is we don't want to be too risky. It's better to be too safe than too risky. And so again, it's back to kind of knowing our weaknesses, it's knowing our limits and things, knowing what's appropriate. We're not saying that if you're at a business conference that you have to be rude and not ever have any kind of a conversation with anybody, but what's the limit there?

You know, I work a lot with premarital couples. We do premarital counseling. And even though unfortunately, it's don't have that many couples that are trying to set this boundary of physical intimacy before marriage in their life, but there's still many that we just want to keep that special, you know, for our marriage. And so we talk about, okay, how do we do that? You know, this is the time in life where everything, all the switches are on for both people and both can't wait for this experience. And so it's one of the hardest times to have boundaries. And I say, you know, if you don't have a plan, you will get consumed by this.

And so we talk about how sexual temptation works. I use this idea of if you're out on a date and you're, you know, you had dinner and you're taking a walk and you're holding hands, well, it's like a match gets lit. Well, there's some warmth in that. There's some energy in that, some heat in that, but a match can be blown out pretty easily. You know, it's not that intimidating. If we decide, let's go back to your place and fix a dessert together and back to your place is that we're just going to be by ourselves. And we're, you know, enjoying fixing a dessert and hugging a little bit and so forth.

Well, it's like the match got dropped into a wastebasket, caught the wastebasket on fire. Well, that's pretty, a lot more intensity there, a lot more heat, but it still can be, you know, put out fairly easily and put a cup of water on top of that or something. Now if it's, let's go, you know, kind of lay on the couch and watch a movie. And so all of a sudden we're lounging together and touching and holding and well, that wastebasket just got knocked over and caught the carpet on fire. Well, there's a lot more intensity there, more difficult to put out. And then all of a sudden we're touching intimate parts. Well, the carpet is on fire, caught the curtains on fire.

The whole wall is, you know, now on fire. And then all of a sudden we start disrobing. Well, we got a three alarm fire going on and the house will burn down. If we don't understand our boundaries, if we allow it to get to the three alarm fire, we're goners. And so we talk about, okay, what's your match?

What's your wastebasket? And how do we set those boundaries so that you can fulfill this goal? If this is important to you, that you can fulfill this goal. Without a plan, we know that the way our bodies were designed and the way those chemistry feelings are, it's, we're gonna really struggle with this. And so again, back to boundaries. So preventative steps, what do we do about this? What are some things that we can do in our lives, our personal lives and relationships that keep us safe?

In all people, not just in premarital couples, but in all people. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, that was just an example. So the first one is just total transparency with all of our devices in our life. Again, rarely do people start texting somebody a little meme after a conference and the whole purpose is I'm gonna have, an inappropriate relationship with you. And so, but if I know that my spouse could see that, I always say that we should live our lives with our devices so that our spouse could be sitting right next to us seeing every interaction that we have and everything would be fine. So are we living that way to keep ourselves from, even things that we're not doing on purpose, keep those things from happening?

And I also add so that our kids could pick up our phone at any time or our grandkids could pick up our phone at any time if they wanted to play a game because I've seen several situations, a number of situations where it's actually the children that find out about the affair because they see a text on their parents' phone. And so we have to live that life that's transparent so that anybody can take a look at it. Another one is just total transparency with our schedule, our social interactions and so that we're talking about these things. If we're at a business conference and we've met a new person, that we're letting our partner know about that, whether that's through a phone call that evening from the hotel, I met someone. So keeping things in the light, that our partner knows kind of what we're doing and where we're at and so forth. Again, not policing, but it's just a, it just keeps us safe. It's just good, healthy boundaries that keep us safe.

And what would we do that we couldn't let our partner see? I mean, if we're leading a healthy life, it should be something that we can be open and transparent with our partners. And again, it goes back to what I mentioned earlier is knowing our boundaries with alcohol, not just waiting until we get to, okay, I'm right under the legal limit at this point. I shouldn't be driving, exactly. But just being careful and knowing that we can cross lines and it may not even be building a relationship. I mean, how many times have we seen people that have a backyard barbecue or a family event or something and they drink just a little bit too much alcohol and they get a little too flirty. They start saying things and maybe nothing actually happens, but they've hurt their spouse.

It embarrasses the whole family. It embarrasses everybody and it has hurt the spouse and can really cause a lot of pain overall. And of course, could possibly lead to an affair as well. And since we spend at least half of our day dealing with affair recovery, it's not fun. It is a hard and long process. So we just have to keep boundaries in lunches, in business meetings, in what we do, just to make sure that we're not on that very edge about to go over. Another one we wanna touch on quickly here is just a boundary of working too much.

What was that? What does that mean? Oh, we've left this one for last today. I was hoping we wouldn't get to it. Gosh, probably been one of the most challenging boundaries for me to set in my life. It's an Enneagram one. I can easily just fill up my life with trying to, with work, trying to get the world around me perfect, to get things accomplished in my life.

And not rest. And not rest. Keep working. Not put family first, just keep working until I drop. And we don't realize the impact of our schedules in the immediate. I remember so often we would be scheduling stuff out a month or two or three and not realize what that was gonna look like when we actually got out there a month or two or three. We have to look at the big picture.

What are we trying to accomplish here? Are we just trying to respond to every request? Are we trying to get everything done? Are we trying to live a certain kind of life? We are formed by our habits and so we're gonna be a certain kind of people. I've had to fight not just being a workaholic or a worker bee, that that's the only thing that I am. And I have to be intentional about that.

And so early in our professional career, I'll say it that way, I was pretty unaware of my internal world and my needing to excel and do everything just right. So if someone asked us to come and speak at a conference or something like that, it was just automatically yes. It felt like yes, you want, we've got something to offer, you want it, and so yes. And little did I realize the impact of that conference three months from now and what our schedule's gonna be like there. And I just realized I was not objective in that and I would pack our schedule so tight that it just became ridiculous. And so I had to eventually establish a boundary that I never said yes to any of those unless you and I talked about it. Except for when someone asked you to do a wedding in Paris.

Yeah, well, yes. And that was totally fine that you said yes without checking. It was an automatic yes. I said, I don't care when it is, I don't care what, yes, we will be there. And I had a couple of friends at the time that knew my tendency to kind of get out of whack with this and I'd kind of run it by them. And that part of me that just wanted to take care of others, do it right, we all kind of have these wings, I kind of slipped from a nine wing and a two wing, both of those show up at different times. And so I just have to be aware of that and realize that that's a weakness in me and what are the right kind of boundaries then that I can set to live a healthy life. Yeah, you know, we never hear of a strong leader that at the end of their life says, gosh, I wish I'd taken more speaking engagements or I wish I'd invested in more businesses.

It's always, I wish I had more time with my family and wish I had invested in some of those things that really mattered. So we're a product of our habits and we have to ask ourselves, what are our work habits producing for overall life? How is what I'm doing affecting what I really want, what my true values are, what my true priorities are when I allow myself to really stop and think about it? So some preventative steps, and you did so well at this. We have to open yourself up to someone outside yourself that can take an objective look at your work life. You know, our friend Jerry has been an incredible blessing in that when you start to have a project, not as much now as in the past, and Jerry would go, hmm, what does Janice think about that? I always hated that statement.

What does Janice think about that? Busted! But a blessing.

It was a blessing, yes, yes. And we have to be careful not to let, once we get past this season, well, things are busy now, because what's the first thing we say? You know, when we ask them about how they're doing, it's like, we're busy, you know? I mean, almost every couple that sits down on the couch, well, how's our week been? Oh, so busy, you know? And that we don't let, well, once we get this, once we get the kids to this stage, or once we get this or this, then we can really relax or start having more balance in our life. So if we're using that sentence, we need to go, okay, we're probably fooling ourselves here a little bit.

What are ways that we can make decisions now that can begin to change any circumstance? And so we don't have to just get past it to become healthy. Well, and what happens so often is if we get past it and we get a little margin in our lives, then we fill it up with something else, because it just doesn't feel normal to not be really busy. Another one is just, we've talked about Sabbath rest before this whole concept that God designed us with limits. And how do we shut down? How do we take breaks? How do we shift our focus on things that are life-giving and restorative?

And so honestly evaluate, how are you doing with that? Are you, is that in your schedule? Like this week? Not, well, once we get the kids back in school or once we this, that, or the other. How is it doing this week? And just really be honest, brutally honest with yourself about that. And if it's not going very well, if it's just, we just keep missing it, okay.

We probably need some other boundaries in our life to be able to look, because God designed us to live this way for our good. It's not a punishment. It's not a bad thing.

It's for our good. So we've talked about a few things here. Now again, as Janice said, we may come back. Who knows what we may do? Come back to some other boundaries kind of things. But think about the boundaries. Hopefully you can grab a couple of things out of what we've talked about today that you might be able to establish some healthier boundaries in your life and maybe one of these areas or it's brought some other area to your life.

So that we, again, can be able to thrive as individuals and thrive as relationships so that we can express the beautiful love of God to the world in a greater, more complete way. So for today, go in peace. Blessings as you go.

The Life & Love Nuggets podcast is a 501c3 nonprofit and is supported by gifts from people like you. To donate, go to lifeandlovenuggets.com slash donate. This podcast is produced by Clayton Creative in Tulsa, Oklahoma. The content should not be considered or used for counseling but for educational purposes only.