Play Therapy Part 2 (Episode 97)

Janis and special guest Hayley Williams talk about teens in therapy, how therapy can help all children and resources that parents can use at home to help their children identify emotions and learn self-regulation.

For adults who struggle with play:

The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Comer

When I Relax I Feel Guilty by Tim Hansel

For parents and kids:

A Little Spot of Feelings by Diane Abler

Hey Warrior by Karen Young

Transcript:

Welcome to Life and Love Nuggets, where licensed therapists Brent and Janice Sharp share how you can thrive in

your life, your love, and your relationships. Hi. Welcome back to Life and Love Nuggets. We are doing part two with

Haley Williams. Haley is a licensed clinical social worker, and she's a certified play therapist. And were talking last

time and are gonna continue talking about play therapy for kids in general, and maybe even touch on some things of

what we can do as parents or grandparents to really help our kids express themselves emotionally and even identify

emotions. I know when I'm in therapy with clients, oftentimes I'll have adults that aren't really sure what their

emotions are. They're happy, they're sad, they're angry. And that's pretty much it. It's like, okay, there's the three.

And so I've even as adults, had them get the emoji chart to really start looking at what their emotions are. So you

work with kids. Tell me what it's like working with. Helping kids identify their emotions or to deal with them.

Yes, absolutely. So I will say, you know, it's very similar. Oftentimes kiddos come in, and those are the three that they

give me. Right. Happy, sad, angry. And so with kiddos, I tried to work on expanding their emotional vocabulary. And I

like to do that in playful ways. So I have, you know, these feeling spots that are based on this book, A Little Spot of

Feelings by Diane Appler. She has a lot of great resources. And has about eight little stuffed animal spots that I love

to use for kiddos because it's a good way for them to extract, journalize those feelings and think about them in a

more. In a deeper way. I also am a really big fan of the inside out movies.

Yes.

And I think those are so powerful for kiddos as well. I have some of those stuffed animals in my office.

Yes.

And kiddos love them.

And those are powerful for adults. I've had adults come in and go, wow, I got so much out of that movie.

Absolutely. Absolutely. And so I think especially for children, feelings like anxiety can kind of be, like, a hard concept

to address. They have it, but they may not be able to understand, oh, what I'm feeling is anxiety. And so when they

have that little character that they can hold and they have, you know, the external representation of what this feels,

Feeling is, that can be really powerful for them.

That's great. That's great. So what are some books that you use to. To help kids? I mean, whether you Use them in

your office or parents use them or whatever. What do you recommend?

Yes. So I love again, the feeling spot, one that I showed you. There's also for kiddos with anxiety, I love this book

called K Warrior. And this book, it's, you know, you can kind of see he's a little funny looking guy and he represents

our amygdala. And so I use this to talk with kids about our amygdala and our anxiety and how sometimes our, you

know, our amygdala is always trying to protect us.Right, the amygdala as that part of the brain.

Yes, exactly.

Yes. The fight or flight part. Yeah.

Yes. It's always trying to protect us, right?

Yes.

But sometimes it will turn on and try to protect us from something that really isn't dangerous. Right. So it could be a

shadow in the corner that we, that kid sees in their bedroom. Right. And their body goes into fight or flight. Right.

And you know, but it's not actually dangerous. It's not actually trying to hurt them. Whereas if there was a tiger in

their bedroom, we would want that. Fight or flight.

That's another story.

Yeah, right. That would be alarming. And so I think, you know, teaching children that part of our brain is important

and it's not bad. But also sometimes it overreacts. Right. In an effort to protect us. And so I also talk with kiddos

about externalizing that. Let's give our amygdala and our brain a name. You know, they can name it whatever they

want. They can draw a picture of it can look however they want and that makes it a little more concrete because

kiddos often struggle with the more abstract concepts. And especially when you get into the brain and neuroscience,

a lot of that is hard even for adults.

Right.

You know, and so making it in little bite sized pieces for kids to understand is really powerful.

Well, and what I love about having books like that is it's so tempting as adults when the kid's like, there's a monster in

my room or I saw something scary to go into the. Oh, no, there's not. Don't be silly. And we don't validate those real

feelings. Just like we may be in traffic and we have high anxiety and somebody else would go, why are you anxious

over that? This is the trip you take home every day, validating that even though it's, no, there's not a monster in your

room. Just, oh, that's scary.

Right.

I can see why that would be hard for you.

Yeah. It feels so real to them. It does, yeah. So helping them name those feelings and then helping them learn coping

skills, you know, like deep breathing or repeating a phrase or a mantra. That's good to help their bodies calm down

instead of just saying like, oh, it's not real, get over it. Right, right.Go to sleep.

Exactly.

Just go asleep. Yeah. So what would a phrase be? Like if you've got a five year old and they're feeling some anxiety.

Yeah.

What kind of phrase? Again, I'm putting you on the spot, but what kind of phrase would you use for a 5 year old?

So I would have them say something like, I am safe, Mommy is near, I'm going to be okay.

Good.

Or I'm safe, daddy is near, I'm going to be okay. I think kiddos respond to rhythm, sing songy, you know, really well.

And then I think that also can just give them cues of safety in their body, of reminding them, you know, their brain

might be telling them they're not safe, but they are, you know, mom's close by, dad is close by. So something like

that. And it doesn't have to be exactly that. I think you can fit it to whatever makes sense for you and your family. I

know, you know, some families that are Christian like to have their kiddos recite scripture or you know, a scripture

that's meaningful to them. I think that can also be a great thing to do so it really, you can fit it to what your child

needs.

Yeah, I know you use lullabies for the kids to go to sleep. Scripture lullabies that I think are just incredible. I've like,

maybe we should listen to those at night.

Oh yes.

But I think that is so effective in helping them calm down. Now I do have to say the first time they stayed with us

after they started the lullabies and they were like, we need our songs. I was like, well, who does the lullabies? And

they said Taylor Swift. And I was like, does Taylor Swift have lullabies? And no, it was not Taylor Swift. They're just

used to mommy listening to Taylor Swift so much.

Every music is Taylor.

Yes. Sorry for those of you that do not like Taylor Swift, but it's pretty popular around here, so I think that's

interesting. Having something that helps them calm down, that they're hearing good and positive messages even as

they go to sleep, I think is so good.

Yeah, absolutely. Just increasing those cues of safety. So using music, using rhythm, even using touch. Like, I thinkthat's why I think a lot of Kiddos love stuffed animals is having, you know, that touch, that heaviness against them is

really comfor. Some parents might like to use weighted blankets. They make weighted blankets now for kiddos that

are, you know, the right weight. They aren't too heavy for a kiddo. They also make weighted stuffed animals.

Yes.

Which I think are awesome. That they can put on their chest and help. I like to teach kiddos to deep breathe using

their belly breaths and put their stuffy on their stomach. And so as they, you know, breathe in with their belly, their

stuffy will move, Right?

Yeah.

And it's like a visual cue of like, I'm deep breathing, you know, So I think there's a lot of ways that you can cue safety

for kiddos, but I think music is powerful. Touch. Yeah.

Yeah. I like the warmies, too.

Oh, yeah.

You can put the microwave and they can warm up. They are in animals now that you can do that, not just a heating

pad. And I know when grandkids come over, they want to get my little sheep that I use when I have a headache, and

they. They want to play with that or they want to hold that because that warmth is really soothing.

Yes. We have a little red panda stuffed animal that I got on Amazon, and you put it in the microwave and for like two

minutes or something, and it has like those beans or whatever it is inside of it, and it warms up. And my girls find

that really comforting. So, you know, if they're sick or if they're sad, like, it can just be really comforting. I will say I

was a little jealous that they kind of stole it from me because I was like, marina, I'll use this as a family. And then they

were like, mom, you can't use that.

Well, they call my little lamb my special friend. So, yes, it's like, yes, you can play with my. My special friend now while

you're here, but you can't take it home with you. Yeah, but it's comforting.

It is, it is. And I think, you know, that's another just sense of that warmth, you know, can be really.

That's good. So I'm going to switch gears for a minute.

Yeah.

I know you don't just see young children, which quickly. What ages would. Would kids be? What are the appropriate

ages for play therapy?Yeah, So I always say about the youngest would be three and the oldest would be about age 12.

Okay.

Although I will say that I do sometimes use some play therapy techniques with my older kid, like teenagers and even

adults. And I mean, I know there's a lot of research going on right now and using play therapy with older adults in

nursing homes and things like that. And like we talked about on our other episode of, you know, trying to re engage

that play muscle. Right. As we're later in life, because it's still important, but we lose track of it. So. Yeah, but for a

traditional play therapy, I would say about ages 3 to 12.

Okay, so tell me about working with teens, because you've got to shift gears there. I mean, I would think it would be

like, okay, I'm painting with this one and now I have a teenager coming in. Yes, tell me about, what do you like about

teens? What, what do you do with them?

Yes, I think teens are so much fun. I think, you know, therapy can look very different with teens depending on the

teen. As you mentioned again in our other episode with like children, you know, some children will get in the car and

they will tell you all about their day. Right. And some will say, oh, it's fine. You know, teens are similar. So I think

some, you know, will really thrive and very similar type of therapies to an adult. Right. So they're able to articulate

their feelings, they're able to, you know, think of more complex concepts, which to me is really fun because I love to

see that type of thinking develop in them. And so that's really cool. But then there are some teens that struggle with

talking about their feelings and their emotions. And that's when I like to incorporate art.

I have, you know, teens do mindful coloring or I might have them do a collage to like, you know, kind of like a self

expression thing of like, what are the things you like? Or, you know. And that can kind of help especially some of my

neurodivergent teens who struggle with conversation and like eye contact and paying attention, you know, to what

I'm saying. It can be really helpful for them to have a fidget or color or doodle, you know, have something to keep

them more engaged.

I do have to say something about collages. Well, I was at some training in upstate New York and one of the things

they had us do was we had all these magazines and were to cut out pictures and do a collage. And I'm like, you

know, I was like 60 years old at that point and I'm like, and I'm going to play with magazines and glue. But I was

during that training, my sister had passed away. And so we sat there and I thought, well, why not? You know, and so

we sat there and we did It. And it was so powerful to me to see how it impacted me and how much of my collage,

without thinking about it initially, really revolved around my sister and dealing with my grief.

And so it seems like you're cutting out pretty pictures in a magazine, but that can really be used. I mean, I think God

can use that. I think our brain uses that to really bring up some of the things that we're dealing with.

Yes. I think as a society, we love to intellectualize our feelings. You know, we love Google. We love to know exactly

what's going on. Right. But I think those creative art activities can access that right side of our brain. The more

creative, the more emotional side of our brain. And that can be so healing. Right. And it can even help, you know, we

stay so much in our left brain, but our right brain is just as important. And so I think feeding that is just. Is amazing.

Especially, I mean, especially for grief, but for all kinds of issues.

Anxiety.Anxiety, yes. Getting in that right brain is important.

Yeah. There's so many things that we just don't express or don't acknowledge because we do tend to be more

thinkers than. Than feelers. But the feelings are there, and then they suddenly erupt somewhere, and people are like,

what is wrong with you? Yes, but oftentimes it's all those feelings that we've been stuffing down.

Right. We always say, you know, you have to feel it to heal it. Right. So you have to acknowledge those emotions and

allow them to be as they are in order to get past them.

So do you feel like with teens and kids, a lot of what you do is you help educate them about feelings and give them

permission to have those feelings to begin with and then to share them?

Yes, absolutely. As we've, you know, mentioned before, I think a lot of people, even adults, struggle to identify the

feeling. You know, they might think they're feeling sad, but maybe underneath that sadness, there's disappointment,

you know, And I think being able to recognize that feeling that's underneath it is so significant and validate it. Oh, that

makes sense. You feel disappointed. You know, I think that is a huge part of it for children and teens and adults.

Right. But I think it just looks a little different for children and teens, and then, yeah, having them be able to express it

and handle it in healthy ways. I always say there are no bad feelings. Right. It's okay to be angry, but if we're angry,

we're not going to go, you know, punch a classmate in the face. Right.

We're gonna express our Anger in more healthy ways. And I think play therapy can be really helpful for getting that

aggression out in a way that is healthy, contained, inappropriate.

Yeah. I mean, it's like the scripture where Jesus says, in your anger, do not sin.

Yeah.

It doesn't mean we're not going to be angry. It's not. Which a lot of Christians go, okay, so you shouldn't be angry.

We're going to be angry.

Yeah.

We're going to have all kinds of feelings. And usually all those feelings get lumped into anger. Whether you feel

disrespected or intimidated or overwhelmed or whatever it is, it gets dumped into anger. But it's. What do I do with

that? So I'm not causing harm either to myself or to anybody else or that it's not productive for me. This is going to

cause me problems at work or this is going to cause kids problems on the playground. If they're erupting over

something, they're not going to have friends. It's going to be difficult for them to interact with people. And so it's

teaching them those skills that are so helpful. And as you said, I think in our last episode, if we could just get kids

good at these things, then we're going to have a better society.

Absolutely.Because people are going to know how to deal with those emotions and know that it's normal to have all kinds of

emotions.

Yes.

You're not supposed to just be happy all the time.

Exactly. I know so many adults who will say, I just wish I had these tools that I have now when I was a child, you

know, and I think so being able to give those tools to children and empower them, that you don't have to be

controlled by your feelings. Right. You can recognize, acknowledge them, validate them, and choose a different way

to act. I think that is so empowering.

Yes.

For kiddos.

That's good. Okay, so I'm a parent coming in and my child, my 6 year old is dealing with a lot of anxiety. What can I

do as a parent? How do I help my child deal with anxiety?

Yes. I would say, you know, the first thing, bringing them to therapy is a great first step.

Good.

I always like to. To just validate how difficult it can be to be parenting a child with anxiety. Oftentimes anxiety,

especially in younger kiddos, can look more like defiance. It can look like, oh, they're just not listening to me. They're

not doing what they're supposed to. And really the root of that sometimes is anxiety. They're afraid, you know, so I

Think, you know, that is the first step. And then there is a book I recommend to parents. It's called Breaking Free of

Child Anxiety and ocd, and it's by Eli Leibowitz. And I like this book because it really empowers the parent of. We

can't control our child. Right, Right. Our child's gonna. They're their own person. They're gonna do what they're gonna

do.

But we can control how we respond to the anxiety so we can set boundaries and loving barriers while also giving our

child the coping skills that they need to handle it. We can also decide, you know, we're not going to let this anxiety

overtake our whole house.

Yeah.

We're not going to change the way that we live our life because of this anxiety. Because I think that happens so

quickly. It's like you're, like, just trying to make it better for my kid, and then all of a sudden, you're going way out of

your way, doing all this ridiculous things, bending over backwards for your child's anxiety. And I think in some ways,

that gives the anxiety more power.Oh, that's interesting.

You know, it's almost validating for the child. Oh, yeah, you're right. This is a big fear because mom and dad are also

afraid.

Yeah.

And so I think being able to show your child your fears are real, they're valid. I hear you. I'm here with you as you cope

with them. But also, we're not gonna upend our lives for it because this is not a real threat. Right. And showing them

that you are the sturdy leader, you know, that they need. And I think that's a difficult balance, right?

Oh, yeah.

Because we wanna be empathetic and want to validate feelings, but we also don't want them to stay stuck.

Yeah.

So I think that system, I think it's called the space system, can be really helpful for helping parents navigate that

nuance.

Oh, that's good.

How. How do I stay supportive, stay empathetic, but also, excuse me, not accommodate too much to where I'm

actually making the anxiety worse.

Yeah, that's good. And we will have the name of these books in the show notes so that people can get them if they

need them. Because I think that's important. You feel helpless. And as a parent, when your kids are experiencing

these feelings, and sometimes the parents have struggled with the same thing too, so you think it would be easier.

But there's a part of us that's like, I don't want you to feel that way because that's Hard.

Yes. Yes, absolutely.

And it's like, what do you do? And so I think even probably some of the breathing techniques that you use with the

kids, parents doing that type of thing, or parents coming in saying, will you teach me how to do some of that, Haley?

So I know what I'm doing because my kids saying, I need to breathe like Ms. Haley told me to. And the parents are

like, okay, I need to breathe like that, too.

Right.I think you can be really helpful.

Yes. And I think so much of parenting is being able to regulate your own emotions. Right. Oftentimes our kiddos

struggle with things that, like you said, we struggled with.

Right.

Or that are triggering to us from our own childhood. Maybe we remember. I remember being that afraid of that. Or I

remember that. And so we might start to feel anxious, like we don't want our child to go through that. Or as you

know, I mentioned earlier, sometimes anxiety manifests as defiant. And so we start to feel disrespected and we start

to feel all these feelings ourselves.

I'm not gonna have that in my family. Exactly. They don't have to respect me.

Doggone.

Exactly.

Why aren't you listening to me? You know, like, that can be so frustrating. And so I think being able to manage your

emotions as the parent and support, stay calm and even when you are triggered. Right.

Because we all will be.

We will be.

I mean, we're humans raising humans.

Exactly. And I think, you know, our kiddos are. They came from us. Right. They're. They know what triggers us. Not

intentionally, but sure, they have often have a lot of similar struggles. And so I think, yeah, just being able to regulate

your own emotions and work on yourself, I think as a parent, managing your own anxiety is so important as well.

Yeah, that's really good. Now, I will say, in terms of your own parenting, you're not allowed to write any books,

exposes on your dad and I until after we're dead. And I'm telling you, Haley, I'm planning on living a long time, but all.

The secrets are gonna come out.Well, until my 90s. So everyone who would have known us well will be dead, too. So we're just gonna wait on that.

Okay. I don't want to hear about my bad parenting. No, it's been really fun having you. This has been a great thing.

Again, I'm going to remind everybody that Hailey is Haley Williams, not Haley Sharp anymore. Haley Williams is with

the Art of Raising Humans with Kyle and Sarah Wester, who we really love, and they have a great podcast on

parenting, by the way. That is really good. So if you want to contact her, can they just go online and email you or set

up an appointment? What do they do if they have a kiddo they want to bring in or a teenager?

Yes. So artofraisinghumans.com you can go check it out. You can schedule online with me. Get more information.

Our phone number is on there. My email address is haley h a y l e y@art of raisinghumans.com you can find me

there as well and I'd love to connect.

Good. Good. Well, thank you. Thanks for being with us and just sharing. And thank you guys for being with us and

listening today. If you have any questions, feel free to email us. I know there's an email place on the website that you

can go to britainjanasharp.com but thank you for being with us and we will talk with you next time. The Life and Love

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