Play Therapy Part 1 (Episode 96)

Join Janis and special guest LCSW and certified play therapist Hayley Williams as they discuss therapy for children, the role and effectiveness of play therapy and how children can benefit from therapy.

For adults who struggle with play:

The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Comer

When I Relax I Feel Guilty by Tim Hansel

For parents and kids:

A Little Spot of Feelings by Diane Abler

Hey Warrior by Karen Young

Transcript:

Welcome to Life and Love Nuggets, where licensed therapists Brent and Janice Sharp share how you can thrive in

your life, your love, and your relationships.

Welcome back to Life and Love Nuggets. We have a very special guest with us, one of my favorite people, Haley

Williams. Haley is a licensed social worker and a certified play therapist. And so she's going to be joining us. We're

going to talk a little bit about children and therapy. And, Haley, I feel like I've known you my whole life. No, your whole

life, because I am your mom.

That makes sense.

Yes. But tell us so they don't know you. Tell us some about yourself.

Yeah. Well, first of all, thank you so much for having me. I'm really excited to be here. This is really fun to get to do

this with you. So, yes, I am a lcsw, as my mom said, and a registered plate therapist, which means that I have. I spent

two years doing, training on how to work with kiddos in their natural language of play.

Yes.

Because oftentimes, you know, children don't come into my office and sit on my couch and say, this is how my day

was and this is what I'm feeling.

And, you know, anxiety, having some angst over things.

Yeah, no, they don't do that. Right. We often just see behaviors that are maybe not the behaviors we want to see.

Right. They might have more outbursts or they might be, what, you know, defiant. And a lot of times what's going on

underneath, that could be anxiety, it could be anger. But again, they're not really able to communicate that in a way

that adults are able to. And so through play, children are able to kind of access those deeper emotions that are

inside of them, and we will see, like, them play out, you know, a superhero and a bad guy. Or, you know, sometimes in,

like, art, we'll have them, you know, create like, a kind of a sad painting, you know, and kind of get those feelings out.

So there's a lot of different ways that children communicate through play, but I think the important part of it is just

having that medium available to them.

Yes.

Because it's just going to be more effective than trying to get children to communicate like adults.

Yes. I remember years ago, early in practice, that I saw a few kids until I realized this is not my thing, because they

don't talk.Yeah.

And it's hard. And different personalities respond in different ways. Just like when we're parenting. You know, I had

some kids that would get in the car and tell me everything that happened all day, and I had others that I'd go, so, did

you have a good day?

And I was like, yeah.

What'd you do? I went to school. And so I'm sure you've got different things that you do with each kid as you get to

know them and they get to know you.

Yeah. And I think progress also looks different in children. You know, I think for adults, you know, it's easier to

measure progress. You know, they come in the next time, they're able to better communicate what's going on, their

mood is better. You know, things in their life are going smoother. That's, like, evidence that therapy is helpful. Right. I

think children, it's a little more difficult, a little more complex, because they'll come in and they will, you know, play

out certain scenes or have. We call themes in play therapy. Okay. So they might play out, like, a nurturing theme

where they are nurturing babies and all about feeding and relationships. Or they might have, like, an aggressive

theme.

So it might be, you know, we're playing puppets, but our puppets are fighting each other, you know, or, I mean, they're

throwing things, you know, I mean, there's so many, you know, different ways that, like, themes can manifest in play.

And so with play therapy, I'm trained to look at those themes over time, and that's how we monitor progress. So were

they a little bit less aggressive this time? Did they use problem solving? You know, instead of aggression in their

play? Was there more nurturing type theme, creative expression? Then there is aggression, Certain things like that.

It's kind of how we track progress, which I think can be different for a lot of people. And I think, you know, explaining

that to parents and getting parents involved in the process is really important because it's a little less concrete.

Sure. Yes. Yeah. So when you have. Well, first of all, I have to say what we always talk about in therapy, the. The fit

with therapist and the client is the most important thing. They do the best when there's a good fit. So if I bring a child

into your office, what do you do?

Yeah.

How do you start a session?

Yeah, absolutely. So I agree. The most important thing in therapy is that the client feels validated. They feel

unconditional positive regard. They feel empathy and warmth. And so that is my major mission right in that first

session, is how do I help them to feel comfortable and to know that they're safe here and, like, give their body cues

of safety. So I will start it, and I'll say, this is my playroom, you know, and here you're gonna get to do many of the

things that you want to do. I'm not gonna say all the things. Right. Because they can't help me with things or, you

know.

Right.We've got boundaries. Yeah. But I'm gonna say you can play with all of these toys and many of the ways that you

want to. And often I find that just giving children that choice is so powerful, especially children who have

experienced trauma or maybe they come from a home where they don't get to make a lot of choices. Their

schedule's pretty rigid, and they don't get to make a lot of decisions for themselves. Just letting them come in and

make the choice of what are we gonna do is really powerful. Even in school, often, you know, they are. They might

get choices here and there, but most of the time, the teacher is telling them what to do.

And with that, with sports and all the other activities that kids are in, a lot of, even really little kids, their lives are very

structured.

Yes, absolutely. And so I think from the very beginning, that sets us up as this relationship is different. Right. They

have more of a say in what we're gonna do. And so that is usually how I start a session. For my first session, I

generally keep it where they get to decide what we're gonna do, and we focus on the relationship and the safety. And

then later on, in later sessions, I may introduce some activities. So I will do some direct, what we call directive play

therapy, where I may say, hey, let's read this book, because maybe they're struggling with anxiety. So we're gonna

read this book, and we're gonna talk about it together. So I may introduce activities, but I always try to have at least

some time for the child to choose, just because I really believe choice is that powerful.

Yeah, that's great. And the freedom, I think, is wonderful.

Yeah.

Yeah. So. So I know when you moved into your office, which, by the way, Haley does not work in our practice. Not

that I'm offended. I'm really not. I'm very happy. Haley is working with the art of Raising humans with Kyle and Sarah

Wester here in Tulsa. So when she moved into her office, she was very intentional about how she decorated it and

the things that she chose. So tell me about that.

Yes. So one of the ways I was very intentional is with the toys that I chose. In play therapy, we say that toys should

be selected and not collected. So we're not going to a garage sale, just getting all the toys we can. Right. The toys

that we choose Are going to be very intentional. So, for instance, I mentioned themes earlier. So I'm going to have

toys that are based around expression of some of the most common themes. So I'll give an example. There's more

themes than this, but I like to use the example of nurturing and aggression, Because I think it's really easy to kind of

visualize, you know, the concept of both of those. So, for instance, with theme of nurturing, I have baby dolls in my

office. I have cooking utensils, plates, food.

I have a dollhouse, and dolls with different, you know, types of families and skin colors, so. So that children can feel

themselves represented in the toys. And so that is a good example of the nurturing theme with the aggression

theme. Like I mentioned, I will have some aggressive puppets. So, like, I have a dragon, and I have a wizard, and, you

know, I have this toy that I'm sure my coworker does not always appreciate, but it is a pounding bench with a

hammer, and, you know, it's a favorite. Kiddos love to come in and just pound on that thing, and that is a great

aggressive release toy for them. I have dinosaurs. I have army men, you know, and so everything is very intentional.

There's nothing in my playroom that's there just to be there. Right.

Another really important thing is I have creative expression toys, so I have kinetic sand, which can be really calming

and regulating for kiddos. I have art supplies. So we do paints, and we do drawing and play doh and glitter and all the

things.And that's why you have a very washable floor.

Exactly, Exactly. It does. It does get a little messy, but it's okay. You know, I'm able to clean it up pretty quickly, so. So,

yeah, everything, you know, is intentional. And then I will say, I think just the importance of consistency and order for

kiddos is also important. And every time kiddos come into my room, the toys are in the exact same place because, I

mean, you know, give or take an inch, Because I think it's important for them to feel that, like, it's another cue of

safety. When I come in here, I know what to expect. Ms. Haley is going to act the same way, and the toys are going to

be in the same place. And I think for kiddos that don't have stability, that can be really healing.

I also try to not have it be too cluttered, because I don't want it to be overwhelming. I want it to feel inviting. And I

think, you know, especially our playrooms at home, for those of us that have kids can get really overwhelming, you

know, and so I would say another way that my room is different is that I'm very intentional about keeping it pared

down so that it doesn't feel like there's too many choices.

Well, it's just like adults, if we have too many choices, we oftentimes get paralyzed or we'll stick with one thing and

not spread out and try some other things.

Yes.

So I think that's really wise.

Exactly.

So. So what kind of issues do kids come in with? I mean, obviously the parents come in with issues. They. The kids

don't go, yes, I'm struggling with this. But. But what kind of issues are you seeing kids have now?

Yeah, so I think a lot of the driving reason that parents bring their children to therapy is behavioral issues. So that

could be aggression. It could be they're having a hard time in school. I see quite a bit of anxiety and some

depression. I mean, we know even in adults, anxiety and depression tend to go hand in hand.

Yes. And it's so high right now.

Yes.

In everybody.

Exactly. And the same is true with children. And I think part of that is I think the pandemic had an effect. You know, I

think as we mentioned earlier, children are over scheduled these days and often have less time for free play and a lot

of what we would consider childhood. Right. They're often, you know, scheduled more like adults now with practices

and school and all of that. I also see kiddos with ADHD who need some help managing emotions and working on

emotional regulation and impulse control. And then also just sometimes situational things. So, you know, if the

parents are going through a divorce, maybe the kiddo needs to come in and just have that extra safe support person.Especially if their world has been turned upside down. Right.

You know, and they don't have that stability that they're used to having a third party that, you know, isn't like, doesn't

feel like they're choosing between parents. It's somebody safe that they can connect with. I think is really important.

So really, I mean, with play therapy, I would say I think it's helpful for most issues. You know, as long as the child is

able to play, you know, then that's the main key. And so I even think, you know, with kiddos that aren't super verbal,

even if they're, I mean, I see sometimes kiddos as young as three and, you know, if they're able to play, then I think

play therapy can be helpful. So it helps kind of break that barrier also. Of like, you know, they can't talk about their

feelings. Right. But they can still play it out.

Yes. You know, I oftentimes tell my clients when they. When they ask me something about their kids, I'll say, you

know, it never hurts to get them connected with a child therapist that they're comfortable with. Even if there's not a

major issue right now, or even if you're like, this could happen, having that relationship where they feel like, oh, I have

somebody that I can go to and I can talk or I can be with or I can express my emotions, I think that's really healthy.

And it's telling the kids it's not only acceptable, it's good to do this. Doesn't mean they're going to have to be in play

therapy every week for 25 weeks. But sometimes kids just need that other adult that's loving and accepting that they

can just talk to.

Yeah, I think it's important to normalize therapy, you know, and I always tell my kiddos that come in, there's nothing

wrong with you. You know, you're here to get some extra support, some extra skills. And, you know, I think play

therapy is so powerful because we all know adults that aren't able to regulate their emotions. Right. And I think that

emotional regulation issue is such a root of so many problems in our society. You know, I mean, you think about

crime and domestic violence and, you know, so many issues. And I think if children can learn at such young age to

name their feelings and cope with those feelings and control their anger, I think that will be so powerful for our future

that I just feel. Feel like it's really critical to, you know, if we can.

If we can engage kiddos in this social, emotional learning at a young age, then we, you know, it's crime prevention.

Right?

It is.

It's going to influence their future in a really huge way.

That's right. So it's interesting that you get to see kids of all different kinds and different situations. Do you have any.

I'm putting you on the spot. Do you have anything that is, like, one thing that stuck out to you that was like, oh, that

was sweet. Or, oh, you know, maybe something a kid said to you or something that you saw in therapy that it was

like, I'm really glad I'm doing this.

Yes. I would say, you know, those situations happen all the time. I think this work is hard, but it's rewarding. You

know, I would say one of the sweetest sessions I had was this little girl who you know, was probably four or five. And

she, at the end of our session she said, so do I have my mom just call you and schedule another play date?

That's cute.

And I thought it was so sweet because to her this wasn't therapy, this was, I'm playing with my friend who cares

about me.That's right.

You know, and I just thought, well, that's really what this is about, you know, is her feeling safe, her wanting to come

back, her being excited about therapy. And I always say, if nothing else, I hope that when kiddos leave my playroom

they have a positive association with therapy. You know, maybe I'm not fixing all of their problems at age six. Right.

What? But maybe that gives them a positive association so that when they are a grown adult and they need to go to

trauma therapy, they remember that play therapy, experience. And think, well, I really loved that. So I think I can have

the courage to call. You know, at the very least, I think that's important.

Well, I think play in general, if anybody's been around me very long, I'm very strong on. Adults need play, everybody

needs play. We need something to do to escape some pressures and things that are going on. And so I think it's

awesome that kids can do that through therapy.

Absolutely. I mean, I think play is important across the lifespan and as we get older, I mean the demands of life and

also just the societal pressure to be productive and everything needs to make money. You know, we gotta have side

hustles and all of that. I think we lose that innate, I mean it's an innate need for play and it doesn't go away. But I

think we stop nurturing it as we get older. And I think it's so helpful to even adults mental health to have that play

that, you know, unstructured, non productive activities, you know, where you're really just doing it for enjoyment. I

think it can also be really powerful for adults.

You know, there's the book out of the Ruthless Elimination of Hurry that is so good at giving people permission to

slow your life down. Relax. There's another old book that I've, I found myself recommending to people lately and it's

when I relax I feel guilty because I think that really expresses what a lot of adults feel in our society.

Yes.

And I do wonder if some of that we project upon kids and go, what are you doing? That doesn't seem to be effective.

You should be doing this or you should be doing that. And it's recognizing, as you said, everybody needs play.

Right.

Everybody needs that chance to relax and get away from everything where your brain kind of is in free float. You're

not thinking about things, you're doing something or resting in some way so that your brain does get emotional.

Rest.

Absolutely. And I think, you know, as parents, I'm a parent, you know, of two little girls, and we're the cutest ones.

In the whole world. But, you know, I'm not biased in the least.

I mean, I think so, too, but I might also be biased. You know, like, we want the best for our children. And so I think

often that shows up as parents getting their kids in sports and getting them in music lessons and all kinds of

activities, art classes. I mean, there's so many options now, right, for activities. We are not short on activities forchildren. And while I think, you know, I'm very proud. Sports, pro activities, because I think you can learn valuable

lessons, I think that we should never over schedule our children to the detriment of, you know, having them miss out

on that unstructured play. And I think as adults, again, we see it as unproductive. And so we think, you know,

nothing's really happening here. They're just playing. I hear that a lot. They're just playing.

But we know from research that there's play is powerful. There is a book called therapeutic Powers of play, and

there's 20 different ways that play based on research is helpful for kiddos, including, like, problem solving. Like,

sometimes, like, I know my girls, when they play together, you know, I'll hear them bicker at each other and I'll think,

oh, I need to intervene. And then they work it out, you know, And I think play is just. Is powerful. Like, there's so much

we can learn from it. So I think just, you know, it's important to remember that and that it's not just frivolous and it's

not just, oh, they're just having fun. Right. It really is important for their developing brains to develop those social,

emotional skills.

That's great. Well, thank you for being with us today. I want to have you back on our next episode, but thanks for

being with us. This has been very interesting, and of course, I love having you as a guest. Thank you. So thanks for

being with us at Life and Love Nuggets, and have a blessed day. The Life and Love Nuggets podcast is a 501c3

nonprofit and is supported by gifts from people like you. To donate, go to lifeandlovenuggets.com donate. This

podcast is produced by Clayton Creative in Tulsa, Oklahoma. The content should not be considered or used for

counseling, but for educational purposes only.