Our Phones and Our Lives (Part 1) • Episode 43

Phones have changed our lives and so has the etiquette for using a phone. We’ve all been irritated with someone walking around in public talking on their phone with the speaker on. Brent and Janis share tips that are considerate ways to use your phone, or how not to be irritating on your phone!

The Life & Love Nuggets podcast will help you learn valuable insights into relationships, life, and love. Brent and Janis have been empowering couples through pre-marriage and marriage therapy in their private practice, Life Connection Counseling, since 1982. They recently retired after forty years of pastoral ministry and are continuing to help individuals, marriages, and families in their private practice.

The podcast is produced by ⁠Clayton Creative⁠ in Tulsa, Oklahoma. The content should not be considered or used for counseling but for educational purposes only.

This podcast should not be considered or used for counseling but for educational purposes only.

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Transcript:

Welcome to Life & Love Nuggets, where Licensed Therapists Brent and Janice Sharpe share how you can thrive in your life, your love, and your relationships. Hello friends, welcome back to Life & Love Nuggets. Today we're going to talk about something that might be obvious to some or it seems like it should be obvious to some. If you spent any time in a grocery store lately or a doctor's waiting room or an airport, you're going to notice that this is not obvious to everybody, that common etiquette in regards to how we handle these phones that we carry around with us, a lot of people just don't quite seem to get. And so these amazing phones, as a child we watched the cartoon Jetsons and they would talk into their wrist watch and be talking to each other as they were flying around in little cars and stuff. And so we just thought it was all magical, it's all fantasy land. And yet that's really what we're doing now. And we can talk to people all over the world, it's pretty amazing. And we have access to really all the information that is known to man in our pockets. And so pretty crazy, pretty fantastic, pretty amazing. And it's changing every day, so no wonder we're having a hard time kind of keeping up with just how do we manage these, not only what's the proper etiquette, which we're going to talk about today, and then next week we're going to talk a little bit about how these things are controlling our life so much and how we're so connected to them and in some ways that maybe is not so helpful for us. So we're going to talk about phones, phones as a method of communication. And we spend so much of our time helping people with communication and find that a lot of the conflicts are the result of miscommunications. And of course, we've said before, if we didn't have miscommunication, there would be no comedy shows, because every comedy sitcom is based on some kind of miscommunication or misunderstanding. Misunderstanding, right.

The whole plot.

Yes. Yes. So we just want to talk about cell phone as communication, as a communication tool. Overall, as people, how we've communicated has changed a lot over the centuries. We used to be able, we could just speak and we could speak and write and probably use gestures. I think maybe there's people that use gestures now and they communicate their message pretty effectively in those gestures, but it's not necessarily what we recommend. So then we had the introduction of the telephone call and as times changed, our phones have changed. And as you said, how we use them, the etiquette for them has changed and we need to be aware of it. Phone calls have been around for 147 years.

That's a long time. The iPhone has been around for 16 years. And I just read that we soon will be, maybe some are, but we soon will be using video voice messages. I will not be doing that. So don't expect that of me. I had one friend that wanted me to do Marco Polo. After one video of myself that I sent, I'm like, yeah, I'm not going to do that again. I don't like just talking into a camera by myself. The first telephone, of course, call happened on March the 10th, 1876, a few days after the Scottish-born inventor received a patent for the device. He accidentally had spilled battery acid on himself. And so Alexander Graham Bell called for his assistant with the famous phrase, Mr. Watson, come here. I want to see you, exclamation point. I think acid on your arm would be a good reason to make a phone call. Phones started out as a novelty. I mean, it just, people did not think this was going to take, you know, it was something to show to queens and kings and little people know how prevalent they would become and how much they would absolutely change our lives. I remember what an old black and white movie years ago, I think called Life with Father. And the father was just absolutely adamant and refused to have a phone in the house that it was just going to ruin all of our family life and how we knew it. All that noise and interruption was just going to be crazy. So it had resistance in the beginning, and yet today we have them in our pockets.

They're everywhere.

Yes. You know, some people also objected to having electricity in their house for their lighting. They thought telephone wires and electric wires could catch their houses on fire. So they preferred- Some of the original electric wire did do that.

Well, they did.

That's a fairly good reason, John. But a lot of people kept gas in their house for a while and lit their house with gas, like that's not- Open kerosene lamps and stuff, right? Yes, like that's not dangerous.

Right, right, right.

So today, phones are something that almost everybody carries with them. No matter who they are, most adults you see are going to have a phone with them. But in 1914, at the start of World War I, there were 10 people for every working telephone in the United States.

Wow.

That's actually more than I thought it would be.

By the end of World War II, in 1945, there were five people for every working phone. The technology passed a major milestone in 1998 when there's one telephone for every man, woman, and child in the United States. Wow. Wow.

Some other fun facts to know and tell. As of 2017, there were 455 million telephone numbers in the United States for 325 million residents at the time. So there was 1.4 telephone numbers for every person, and about three-quarters of those were for mobile phones by that time. A little over 10% were the old-fashioned landlines, and the rest were internet-enabled phones. And then according to Statista.com, as of this year, there are 310 million smartphones in the U.S., nearly 92% of all the phones that are used. Now, we wouldn't want to live without these.

Well, no.

They give us information, and I'm still getting used to, well, we ask the kids. They're not kids, they're grown-ups now, but when we'd ask them, we'd go, what do you know about this? Or we'd ask them a question about something, they'd go, oh, just a second, and they would instantly Google it and tell me.

I'm like, duh. I mean, it just, it's taken me a while. I'm pretty good at that now, and I get it, you know, but it gives us all kinds of information about all kinds of stuff. Well, I even think how when we watch TV shows or movies together, and we'll go, oh, I know that actress from somewhere, where? And we pull our phones out, and we go, oh, yeah, remember? She was in this, and this, and this, and this. So we're always checking them for something. So it gives us this incredible access to information. It offers opportunities for connection that, I mean, I know when we travel internationally, and to be able to call kids or grandkids, and that just not be a, you don't even hesitate, you don't even think about it, creates this great benefit for connection. We love the fact that we have these now with grandchildren in other cities and states.

Kids, too. We always say grandkids, we like to connect with our kids, but there's something that just creates this greater sense of connection than we could have had years ago when we just had to wait on a visit. Well, you get to see their early first steps, maybe not the first step, but you get to see those little things or to hear about the play they're going to be in. Yes.

It also helps us in emergencies. Oh, my gosh, when we sent our kids off driving by themselves for the first time, we're glad that they had an access to a cell phone, so they could call or we could call them, and so, but they've, so again, we're very thankful for these, but they can take over our lives, and oftentimes it's not the actual phone calls now. Most of us, it's taken over, it's actually the texting and other things that's kind of taken over. Okay, so more fun facts to know and tell, this is what we say in our family if we want to give details, it's like, okay, fun facts to know and tell, here we are, so here's one. The first text message was December 3rd, 1992, from Neil Papworth, a former developer at Semigroup Telecoms. Mobile phones didn't have keyboards at that time. It's hard to even imagine that. I know we had them, but it's hard to imagine it. So he had to type his message on a PC, and his message was, Merry Christmas, and it was successfully sent to Richard Jarvis at Vodafone, so first text message. Now, for most of us, that's most of the way that we communicate, is by text. You know, you were an early adopter of phones. I remember very well you having a car phone, so we kind of tripped over in the car if we were sliding who was going to drive or not. Then you had a bag phone. I remember going into movie theaters, and you had your bag phone with you. That may have been even before the cell phone that was actually, you know, officially in the car.

Yes. Then we both got phones, but we got flip phones. And then finally, we got iPhones, which really dramatically changed everything. And I have to say, I really didn't do much texting until we got to the iPhone. I'm not doing that, punching things in so many times and trying to figure it out. So they're changing, and how we use them is changing. And as you said earlier, we all get irritated by somebody in the grocery store who is talking loudly on their cell phone, or who has it on speaker phone. I remember not very long ago, we went to an airport, and very small airport. I think it has like three or four gates. And we went early, thinking we could get some work done in the airport before we flew out. And there was a man that was on speaker phone, and I don't know how long he talked. But needless to say, we heard everything. And we didn't get a whole lot of work done during that time. I think when people are talking on a phone like that, they're thinking, okay, this person's many miles away, so I have to talk really, really loud.

Yeah, you don't have to. Yeah. Yes. Yes. So the things I love about our phones that I think have been wonderful is, I like it that my phone messages are transcribed. So I don't have to listen to them. I can just read them, and I can know what that person wants. I love getting a text from my dentist office that tells me to just press C, and send the letter C for confirm, and I don't have to try to fit in, calling them back during my day to tell them, yes, I am coming tomorrow. I love getting pictures of our grandkids at random times during the day. We'll just be going through the day, and to look down and go, oh, look, there's this. It's just a highlight in my day. Of course, that can also happen on Instagram. But sometimes our kids aren't diligent enough about posting pictures of our grandchildren enough. We're wondering, what are they doing?

I know.

You have to wonder, do they have lives and jobs?

What's going on? What's going on there?

My solution has been, I just send a text every so often to say, are your kids still cute? And that's supposed to let them know that that's what we want.

We want pictures.

But there's a lot of uses, a lot of things that iPhones or cell phones have really, really helped. With my clients, as tragic as divorce is, I have divorced clients who have shared custody. They just have their kids with them one week, and then the ex-spouse has them the other week, or they split the week half and half. And I've got one young mom, and it's been so helpful for her because she gets to FaceTime her son every night. When he's away, they can still have that contact. And then when he's at her house, his dad can FaceTime. And so it gives them that connection in a way that we couldn't have before. She even reads books to her son over FaceTime, which I think is just a great way to keep continuity. And again, it's always great to talk to grandkids on there. And I'm glad we don't have to pay exorbitant fees. We don't have to pay for long distance. Back in the old days, that was very expensive. When we were dating, we were apart for the summer. We talked basically once a week because it was so expensive. And so we waited for that once-a-week phone call, and now it's just changed so much. Now you can call me anytime, honey, anytime.

Things have changed.

So the unwritten rules of chatting on the phone certainly differ dramatically between generations, which can lead to some challenges and conflicts and misunderstandings as well and frustration. And so according to an etiquette expert and people of all ages that were interviewed about their own phone pet peeves, we wanted to share some guidelines that we've run across to navigate phone calls in 2023 and tips on how do we use phones in relationships the most effectively. Again, these are going to vary depending on your relationship with the person, your age and the context of the call. Certainly the closer you are to someone, the less these rules apply.

Go ahead.

It's okay to FaceTime your mom with no warning while brushing your teeth. She's not going to care. She just wants to hear from you. Yes. Yeah.

But here are some basics that we thought were helpful on when and how to make a phone call and why you should think twice before leaving that voicemail. Several of these we found according to an article by Monica Rodman of the Washington Post and other people that we've researched this. And so let's just kind of think about what are some basic guidelines that can help. Well, you do need to consider when you use voicemail or when you use text. Voicemails were really important before we had text messages. I mean, remember when you missed a call? Yeah.

When we didn't even have answering machines, if somebody called and you weren't home, you didn't even know they called. And so caller ID was good at that point. Voicemails were even better at that point. So we didn't have texting then. So they were the best that we had. And they still can be.

But if you have information that you need it to be very precise, need it to be very accurate, really texting is the way to go. I don't want somebody to give me a voicemail of directions to somewhere because I don't want to hear the turn left here and then do this and then do this because I'm going to partway through the message. I'm going to go, what?

So putting things like that in text are very appropriate and it's very helpful. You know, most of our phones do transcribe voicemails now, but it's not always accurate. And so we don't, even if we leave an accurate voice message, sometimes the translation doesn't come through. You get calls from someone that I'm pretty sure he, well actually a lot of them are texts, but I think he voiced to text. And you come up with some very interesting ones. English is his second language. And so there's a lot of messages that you get that go, what? I don't know what that means.

What? I have no idea.

But as Brent said earlier, people that you're really close to that you really love, there's times that they want to hear your voice. So singing happy birthday to immediate family members, that really means something. Or even a friend to let them know, I just really thinking about you.

That means something. And grandma is always happy to get voice messages because she just wants to hear your voice. So if you have a long or detailed story you want to tell somebody, so yes, we can leave voicemails for a number of reasons, but really if you go, okay, I've got to tell you what happened today and we're going to go into detail by detail by detail, then we want to leave a point. It's easy for me to say, so I'm just, I can't use them anymore because I can't say it.

A voicemail is the best. For me, if you want to have a long conversation with me, don't text me because I'm not that fast texting. We have one of our kids and he texts so fast. I will text him and I don't know how he had time to read it, let alone respond back. And it's like, wow, how does he do that? That's awesome. I blame my slowness on the fact that my bottom thumb joints are fused, which is a rare genetic condition. And I also share that rare genetic whatever with C.S.

Lewis.

And we know that having that thumb joint abnormality really impacted his life. And it was a really difficult thing for him. And so he didn't really amount to anything because of that particular disability. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.Dictionary So another one is, it's really most helpful to text before calling someone. Calling someone without warning can be stressful to them. Instead, text them ahead of time and say, do you have a minute to talk? If they can call you when they're free, if they can kind of pick time to do that and chat, we want to give them that freedom in that respect. If it's someone you call regularly, maybe find out the ideal time. What's a good time? Is it Sunday afternoons? Is it this kind of time? So they get to decide.

Again, this intrusion into life has kind of become very controlling for people that, you know, since we get a phone call and we've got to take it right then, they feel the pressure to do that. And so the respectful way is to text them ahead of time. Now, again, if it's important, that what is very important to add some context to that, just to say, call me or a voicemail that says, call me and sound very urgent, sounds like very much an emergency. So clarify if it's urgent, if it's something that's like, hey, call me as soon as possible. You know, something's come up or whatever. It helps them know the difference between that and, hey, I just wanted to catch up. I've just been thinking about you. I wanted to catch up with you. So give people that kind of respect. If it's about a certain topic, I'd like to talk to you about this, about the project we're working on in the presentation next week, we'll tell them what that is. Text them that and then they can have this chance and opportunity to fit that into their schedule in the best way. If it's family members, hey, we're talking about Thanksgiving plans, you know, just wanted to chat with you about that when you have some time or we're trying to plan a weekend to come and see you, but we have a few questions that we have. All of that shows a lot of respect. Really, really necessary, really, really important with video calls. Catching someone on video at an unexpected time can be embarrassing for everybody involved. Should almost never start a FaceTime or other video call without warning, of course. And so now again, it depends on the relationship. If one of my grandkids wants to video call me, knock yourself out. We'll do everything we can to answer it. But for the most part, make sure that everybody's ready for that.

Yeah.

Going back to the Jetsons. I remember when we used to talk about getting video calls and how so many of us went, I would never want a video call because what if I wasn't dressed or what if I looked really bad? We didn't take into account that you don't have to answer it, which is our next point. To me, that's obvious, but obviously it is not to all people. And that's, you don't have to answer the phone when somebody is calling you. It's okay to let it go to voicemail or let them text you. Just because someone's calling you out of blue, it just doesn't mean if it's inconvenient, you have to pick up. Liz Post, who is the co-president at the Emily Post Institute, which is for etiquette. She says, we have control of our phones and can decide if it's the right time to answer it. If someone interrupts you and you're ticked off about it, guess whose fault that is. You're the one who answered the call when you shouldn't. She goes on to say, to be even more polite, smartphone, or to be, yes, even more polite, smartphones will let you send an automated text response when you can't answer, which is handy if you want to tell them you can text but not talk, or you'll call them back soon. So when we talk about just a general rule of thumb, I would say in your close relationships, calls are for something that are nuanced or for emotions, and texts are for information. But you know, there's a lot of things we don't need to have a phone call on at all. When you're really looking at how do I communicate a message, you have to go, what does this message involve and which is the best medium? Is it text, is it email, or is it phone? Again, we have to look at the emotions. Emotions do not come across in text. We're going to talk more next week, but studies have shown that when someone gets an email or a voicemail and it is in a positive way, the sender meant it in a positive way, they receive it as neutral. But if the sender sends it in a neutral way, they receive it as negative. So we have a negative bias, and we have to look at that when we're considering which which we choose to use. And we're certainly not suggesting that we should just always text everybody and never talk to them. You know, in important relationships, we would want to talk more than text. It's just how do we set that up? We're just suggesting through a text, hey, you got a minute, you got time, I'd like to talk to you about this, because there's so much nuance in the voice and the tone of voice and all those kind of things that create connections and depth. And then the other thing is, and we should say this 10 times, don't fight via text. I don't care who it's with, even if it's with a friend or acquaintance over politics or something, just give it up, just don't. And we talk to married couples about this all the time. Don't, don't, don't, don't argue via text.

They say all kind of things. They say things that they don't mean and wish they hadn't said later, and it's totally misunderstood. And how many times do we sit in the counseling office and people spend half of the session going, okay, I want to read these text messages to you. Tell me what you think he was saying in this text message, or let me tell you what she said to me. You have those in your phone, and then you can keep going back and ruminating over and over. And even after the person has apologized, then it's easy to go, oh, yeah, well, on March 7th, you said this. So fighting over text is never good. Yeah, this is like amygdala fighting. It is. It's allowing our amygdalas to just take over and go into that fight mode, and those conversations are never going to go well. So just don't, don't let that happen. Say, okay, obviously, there's a misunderstanding, let's talk later. Just don't, have I said that enough? Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. As tempting as it is, don't do it.

Yeah.

Another one is, if you're calling somebody, unless it's an emergency, if they don't answer, wait. So if they don't answer, don't hang up and immediately call them again. Or if they've not responded to your text about the call that they missed, don't send them an email about it. Now, if it's an emergency, clearly state that, I need right away, I need to talk to you emergency as soon as possible. But make sure it is an emergency.

Yes, absolutely.

And not just, I'm mad at you, and so you better pick up the phone right now.

Yes.

And so don't make those numerous calls, those numerous texts right in a row. This can be a sign of very controlling behavior that you should be answering my, you know, phone call, but it's just generally, it's just disrespectful. And if they aren't answering, it's not a good time for them to talk. We need to respect that. They're either busy or it's just not the best time for them. They get to decide. That's the whole point here. And maybe they're not emotionally ready to talk. If it's some kind of a conflict, maybe they're not emotionally ready to talk and they do need a little space and we need to respect that space. Now, if you communicate that clearly to someone and they continue to send you 10 text messages in a row, please call me, please call me. Why are you calling me? Are you mad at me? What's going on there? That's another sign that the relationship needs some serious work.

Yes.

And some people do this out to try to manipulate the other one. And if so, call your local therapist.

Yes. Need to get some help.

That's right.

Another one is don't move around on video calls. If we're on FaceTime, Google Meet, Zoom, Skype, it should get your full attention. You should be ready to sit with a stationary camera, prop your phone or computer up. And we also encourage, let them see your whole face, not just your nose and one eye. Because, again, all those facial expressions, everything communicates a lot of things and shows respect. Again, when people, especially kids, move around during a video call, it can just be disorienting for everybody. If you wander around the room, if you want to wander around the room where you're talking to somebody, where you're doing chores, just move it to a voice call and just get off the video. It's really not respectful.

Right.

If it's important enough for them to call, it's important enough for us to sit down in order to see them. They want to see you, not just hear you. Again, depending on the relationship, if one of our little grandkids picks up the phone. Oh, that's a whole different ballgame. They're marching around the house and you're seeing all kinds of stuff and they're showing you the ear of the dog and whatever, then, of course, this is fine. We have one that likes to put filters on, so you look like bunnies and that kind of thing. Those are just fun things, but not for adults. So this one is incredibly obvious, I would think, but apparently, as we've said, it's not. Don't use your speakerphone in public. Whether it's a regular call or a video call, use headphones or save it to later. Because the thing about headphones is they miss their half of the conversation, but they hear your half. And as you said, a lot of people talk very loudly when they're talking on their phones. And so you don't want to be involved with that. Watch your volume. Watch your subject matter.

If you're not going to, I mean, if you're going to talk on your phone in public, watch what you're talking about. Not everyone needs to hear that. And watch your language. You know, some language has become very common to people that others find very offensive. So watch your language.

We don't really want to know what your friend's boyfriend did, or we don't want to know what you're going to have for dinner when you get home. If you're just passing by me in the airport, that's information I don't need to know. Video calls in public can be very sensitive. If you're doing a video call and let's say you're in a restaurant that has a bar and they can see, the person you're calling can see the people behind you and they're sitting at the bar. Well, they didn't give their consent to be on your video call. And so you may be showing them and they don't want to be shown to the person that you're talking to. I lost my train of thought. It's not a good thing to do in public.

Start over.

And not only could they be seen by people, they could see something on your screen that you don't want them to see. So we just have to not use video calls in public.

Yes, yes.

It's interesting that Apple is adding a new call screening feature on iOS 17 that will transcribe a voicemail in real time, meaning that you can decide while they're talking, they're leaving a voicemail, whether you want to pick up or not. For any of you old enough to remember the old answering machine, this is kind of a throwback to that. It's actually a delightful throwback to us. The feature is still new, so we're not sure exactly how people are going to feel about this, about kind of being ignored unless I have something worthwhile to say and they feel like it is important. But they really do have the right to do that. We remember answering machines when our kids were growing up.

So helpful.

And we would be having a family dinner and we'd hear the phone ring and the voice, you know, the call would come on and we would be able to decide whether we're going to pick it up or not. We were pastors and counselors and we just needed time just to our family and we needed to be able to keep boundaries. And so our kids, most of the time, we'd hear it real quick and somebody would be asking about what's going to happen after service on Sunday or they wanted somebody's phone number or just stuff that... It wasn't worth interrupting our dinner.

Absolutely. Or our time with our kids. It didn't even need to be done this tonight. 99% of the time, it was unnecessary. Of course, if it was a crisis, I mean, we did kind of had this as a crisis line too. And so if it was a crisis, we pick up, of course, but that was just such a small percentage of the time. And so, once again, you get to decide whether you answer somebody's call and this is one of the little helpful ways that we could decide to do that. Even when you call other people, they get to decide whether they have the time, energy to take that call. And it's just a healthy respect along with not talking out loud and speakerphones and all that kind of stuff. So texting has been a great thing for us. Voicemails, great.

All of those things are positive, but we don't want to give up using our phones entirely because talking to someone on the phone has been proven to show numerous benefits. Really is good to hear another voice. It can strengthen relationships. It's also been proven to improve mental health and it lessens loneliness. So studies have shown messages communicated or conversations versus text versus phone. The phone has a much more positive impact on people's sense of connectedness and sense of well-being. Yeah, an important relationship. It's the most important way to communicate. We want to make sure that that's clear. We're just talking about how do we actually set up those phone calls. Actually, how do we decide the timing of those, giving people respect that they can choose the time, we can choose the time. And so that's how these things, that's how, that's why etiquette is so important. So we talked about the basics of etiquette. Next time we're going to talk about the impact of phone time on your relationships and the concept of thubbing. If you don't know what thubbing is, a new word, it is in the Cambridge dictionary. It is. Yes.

If you don't know what that is, then you have to listen to the next one. So you know what thubbing is in our next podcast. And then most importantly, we're going to talk about, are you addicted to your cell phone? Most couples accuse the other one of being addicted to their cell phone, but we're going to talk about, are you addicted to your phone? And what can we do about that?

Yeah.

And so as we talked about that, as we talked about some of those definitions that we'll talk about next time, and some of those qualities or qualifications of addiction to phone, just know everybody that we're going to have a little bit of confession time. because he is addicted to his cell phone, and he says that I'm addicted to my cell phone. So what are those, what would say that we are? We're going to talk about that next time, and how do we manage these amazing, amazing things, but not allow them to control our lives and to dominate things. And miss out on quality time in other areas of our life. Absolutely.

So for today, go in peace, blessings as you go. The Life and Love Nuggets podcast is a 501c3 nonprofit and is supported by gifts from people like you. To donate, go to lifeandlovenuggets.com/donate. This podcast is produced by Clayton Creative in Tulsa, Oklahoma. The content should not be considered or used for counseling, but for educational purposes only.