Part 4: Mourning - Dealing with Life's Inevitable Losses (Episode 13)

Brent and Janis discuss mourning and give a final overview of grief. They also share how you can help friends through the grieving process.

Transcript:

[Brent]: Hello, friends Life & Love Nuggets. We're glad that you're with us. We're going to continue talking about grief and loss or kind of the series of life's inevitable losses. The reality is we're all gonna have difficulties, it's gonna be part of the reality of the human journey and if we kind of fight that and try to get to live a life where we don't have any problems, then that seems to cause more problems.

[Brent]: And so, being able to realize that this life is going to have its struggles, some in our field suggests that we're all grieving something all the time. That there's always something that's not quite what we wish it would be and when we talk about grief, we usually think about-- As we've been talking in this series, we usually think about somebody's died, but most grief that we deal with is the loss of an ideal. It's “I thought life was going to look like this and it's down here someplace” and so, we're dealing with the ideal didn't happen. So, my job that I thought was going to be so good, is just not working out how I thought it was going to be. Working with that person, it just didn't happen quite as much or I thought at this stage of life, that I would kind of be in a different place, you know? Financially I'd be in a different place or we would have children or we would be here or there and things just don't work out quite the way they would-- We wish they would and so, what do we do with that? We don't just get to jump over it or somehow skip it.

[Brent]: The key is moving through it and so, we've been saying all along in this series is, we can't heal what we can't feel and so, it's allowing ourselves to feel these feelings, not be afraid of them, but there's a way to move through them and so, we talked about this idea that they're-- That everybody's journey, everybody's grief is going to be different. Everybody's experienced and how they move through these emotions is going to be different, but we do find that most people end up experiencing similar emotions, in different ways on how their personality of course would experience it. But we all seem to touch on these stages and so, we've talked already about shock and denial that, you know, the day we found out that we were laid off from our job we’re in shock and it has an impact on us, and it's going to be an unsteady kind of experience for a little bit.

[Brent]: We talked about denial that, you know, some people actually do try to live in complete denial; We don't think that's very healthy. But we also talked about a healthy denial, which is we don't want people just this is all they think about. If they can get their mind on other things, then wonderful. But as these emotions swirl and they will go in and out of these, they don't go in order, they're not linear. They're going to go in and out of these, but what we found is anytime we experience any of these, if we manage them in a healthy way, then the next time we experience it the intensity is a little bit less and then, the stages start spreading out, they simply don't happen quite as often and so, shock and denial. Then we've talked about anger, people are oftentimes afraid of anger, they don't know what to do with it, feel like we're not supposed to be angry. But it's okay to be angry, as long as we're processing it in a healthy way.

[Brent]: And then last time we talked about depression, just this down discouragement, have the blues and how we kind of walk-through depression and how do we make sure that the spiral of depression, is kind of a spiral where we can slip down that we don't get, you know, spiraled down too far and get stuck in that.

[Brent]: And so, we have a-- I want to kind of wrap that part up a little bit today and then, we'll talk about just some practical steps on what we can do as we grieve and then also, how do we help others a little bit and so, another stage that we found is mourning and this is something that I find particularly difficult for men, but not necessarily always. This is kind of just the tears, just the emotional catharsis of tears. Women seem to get more benefit from this because they're more easily able to cry.

[Janis]: Depending on their background. I mean, I think one of the things that I've seen is with some of the younger generations, men are more able to cry than our generation is.

[Janis]: And women sometimes tend to shut down because of their background and so, it really is individual and seeing how people respond.

[Brent]: But either way, it's allowing people to feel this. Allowing ourselves to feel it, not fighting it and then allowing others to feel it. We do a lot of trying to talk people out of their tears. “Oh, don't cry. Oh, don't cry, it's gonna be okay” and we try to fix it real fast and that's what we're encouraging not to let happen, whether that's trying to fix ourselves. Can't tell you how many people apologize to me for crying.

[Brent]: And I say “quit it”.

[Janis]: They come in the office and they go “I swore I wasn't going to cry this time”. It's okay to cry, this is a safe place to cry.

[Brent]: Exactly, and it's actually healing. There's actually something that it does, that there's a little bit of healing every time that happens and so, if we fight it and we hold back-- You know, we're so quick to hand people Kleenex and go “oh, don't--” You know, and try to-- You know, we have this expectation that we just shouldn't be feeling that way, there's something wrong with that and so, sometimes it's just letting somebody cry and sitting with them and just letting it happen. Sometimes letting yourself do that.

[Brent]: We talked a little bit about, like you mentioned in one of our previous times, people kind of setting a time, almost an appointment for grief.

[Brent]: And that could be for any of these emotions, where we're just busy, we're running through things, just checking off the boxes of our responsibilities. But being able to stop and allow ourselves every few days or whatever, to stop and really think about what's going on, letting ourselves feel some of these emotions and I found that that morning is one of those. That sometimes if people don't let themselves kind of almost set an appointment for this, then it's just not going to happen and so--

[Janis]: I found sometimes with a few clients, if they are feeling that morning or that sadness and they can't really get it out, sometimes they can watch a sad movie and sob during this sad movie.

[Janis]: And it's kind of a vicariously grieving, but it helps open that up when they're feeling really blocked emotionally.

[Brent]: Yeah, yeah. So, we're again just saying don't be afraid of the emotions. I think we do a lot of self-blocking; you know? We shut ourselves down from feeling these things, but this is also how we can help somebody else. So, I've had a few people that I've just said “why don't you set an appointment? Thursday night, seven o'clock, take 30 minutes. Now, tell your spouse, your partner ‘hey, I'm gonna go in the other room, you know? And just leave me alone for a little bit’” and we just go and let ourselves feel these feelings.

[Brent]: Now, again, this is contrary to what we naturally do, because we usually wanna run away from pain. We don't want to let ourselves feel pain, want to escape it or medicate it or whatever and we're just saying to lean into it, to let yourself feel it. Now, not all night or all week, you know? But let yourself lean into it. If the tears come, let them come and not fight that and so, giving opportunity for ourselves and for each other.

[Brent]: And once again, what we found is with shock and denial and anger and depression and mourning, that as we go in and out of these and people-- I always say, you know, “you'll feel some of these--". You might feel all of these in five minutes or you might spend a week in one of them, but as you experience them, we try to give some handles, some practical things on what to do with these feelings. If you can process those in a healthy way and we find that the next time you feel it, the intensity becomes a little less, the stages start spreading out, until eventually we start feeling acceptance and again, acceptance is not that we look back on it and think “I just-- Why was I so upset over this? This wasn't that big a deal”.

[Brent]: No, it's always going to be a big deal, but I'm gonna be okay, I'm gonna get through this and then, we find-- You know, after feeling a little bit of that, I tell people “Don’t be surprised if then you wake up next Monday, you're mad again”.

[Brent]: But if we keep managing those, then eventually we can live in acceptance. But again, we just remind people this is a marathon, not a sprint. We've mentioned that studies suggest that if we have a close loved one die, it’s a two-to-five-year process to really grieve that lost. Well, it doesn't mean in the first-- At the end of the first year we're going to feel the same intensity that the day they were lowered in the casket in the ground, but we're going to have moments. Some suggest with some losses we don't really ever get over it, you know? You're always going to have some lingering of that, but we're doing well, you know? We're thriving in the midst of that.

[Janis]: And acceptance, again, doesn't mean that everything's okay.

[Janis]: Like “oh, I'm fine with this now”.

[Janis]: Acceptance is just a place where we get and it really, we have to learn how to kind of hold the tension between “I'm sad, but I can have some joy in life too”.

[Janis]: I found a really good quote by Megan Devine, she's-- I'm going to talk about her more later. She wrote a book called “It's okay to not be okay”.

[Janis]: Which is so great for grief. She says we have this idea that there are only two options in grief, to be sad forever and never leave the house or to put all sadness behind you and go on to live a fabulous life. But the reality is far broader, you're neither doomed to eternal sadness, nor forced into a model of recovery that can never fit you. There's a vast middle ground between those two extremes. That middle ground of grief can be made only by you.

[Janis]: I had a client the other day talk to me about acceptance. She had lost someone to Covid a couple of years ago or years ago and she said “I'm finally at the point where I'm still sad, but I'm willing to be open or maybe I'm open to be open, to find some meaning out of this or to see if there's something that I can get out of it”. We don't want to rush that because everybody's got their own timing, but acceptance comes often with being able to get just a little bit of meaning until we get more and more.

[Brent]: Yeah, and we talked about meaning. We alluded that-- I think even in the very beginning of this series, that that's really a byproduct, you know? It's kind of fruit on the tree from a health--

[Janis]: Not the purpose.

[Brent]: Yeah, the healthy tree, that if the tree's growing well, it'll give fruit and-- But it just kind of comes and eventually, it becomes in little pieces and little stages, where we find the possibility of us gaining strength. That we went through a very difficult thing, but we made it and we're gonna be okay and there's something usually in our character, in our strength, that has actually grown, you know? It's this is kind of-- Grief is kind of like a muscle, you know ? We're using this muscle and it strengthens and that that can happen for us.

[Janis]: But it's we can't make it happen.

[Janis]: Really that meaning surfaces, it's like we can't make ourselves produce fruit.

[Janis]: And so, we have to allow that perfect time--

[Brent]: That [Unintelligible] when a tree is growing in the spring and the little buds are coming out, well, if we want to see a full leaf and even the fruit from that, if we go and try to pull it out, we're gonna break it off, okay? So, you can't manufacture it, you just have to let it naturally.

[Janis]: Yeah, we have to be where we're at.

[Janis]: Yeah, and so, I'm going to talk about just a few reminders for people who are grieving, especially the loss of a loved one.

[Janis]: And then, I'm going to talk about some things that we can do to help our friends go through this. So, the first one is it's okay to be where you are and do what you need to do. It's okay to ask for help or to accept help, you know? So, often people come and they want to help and we turn them away, but it's okay to have somebody pick your kids up from school or bring you dinner.

[Janis]: You don't have to worry about imposing on them, you have to give yourself permission to accept that kind of help. You need to do what you need to do. I always tell my clients as long as it's not illegal, immoral, it doesn't hurt you or somebody else and it doesn't bankrupt you, that it's okay to do that.

[Janis]: So, if you find yourself going “I just want to get a swing in my backyard and sit and swing for a while, that would bring me peace”, then do it. Again, as long as it's not going to hurt anybody, it's not illegal or immoral or bankrupt you, it's okay to do that, but you have to listen to what you want.

[Brent]: Yeah, the whole idea of self-care is something that people fight sometimes and grief, I always say for people that are going through a loss, it's a little bit like you have emotional flu and you need extra vitamins and extra rest and extra nutrition, you know, during that time and so, it's okay to allow yourself some extra, some ways of really good healthy self-care and not fight that. This is not being selfish; it's just being healthy.

[Janis]: And people want to help.

[Janis]: When my sister died five years ago, some of our friends were so gracious to loan us their cabin in Colorado and we had gone up there for the funeral. But then the days after the funeral, I think it was one or two of our kids came with us to the cabin and we had days to just sit there and work puzzles and go for hikes and see the beauty of the mountains, and it was exactly what we needed to really make the transition from the funeral to home. Back to work, back to the normal things again. You know, Brent and I are at a place where-- We're at a stage in our life where we lose parents.

[Janis]: And sometimes siblings, and one of the things that we have found has been really healthy and helpful for our family, is we rent a big house and have all the kids stay together with their kids, all in a big house, so that we're there to comfort each other and to have some normalcy and joy in the midst of the pain and to celebrate good memories and talk about the good things about that particular family member.

[Janis]: So, how do we help a friend through grief? A lot of this we've said already, but we're gonna repeat it because I think it's so important.

[Brent]: For reminders.

[Janis]: It's let them be where they are, don't try to talk them out of where they're at, the stage that they're in or some of the things that they're saying. Don't give them platitudes.

[Janis]: Not “he's in a better place. I'm sure you're gonna have a great life after this. But you had so many good years together, you should be thankful for that”. All of those things are just going to shut them down. Be a safe place to your friends, so they can say what they need to say, even if it's painful and hard for you to hear. So, even if they're like “I'm so mad at God! This stinks! I don't know why this happened!”, you can go “I know, I know, it's hard. This is a bad thing you've gone through”.

[Janis]: I remember many years ago I had a client who had been kidnapped and I saw her after that and she had seen some other people before me, but we were talking and I was like “that is awful” and she said “you're the first person that actually acknowledged it was a terrible experience”. So, sometimes having somebody-- Not sometimes, having somebody validate that is so helpful.

[Brent]: Yeah, we talked about that validation, how critical that is. It's just-- We can't say this enough, it's one of the most powerful things you can do for others, is just not try to fix them, try to give them easy answers, just to fit with them, to be with them, to be present with them, to validate those feelings and it's also, as we've talked about before, it's okay to be careful about with who you talk to during this time.

[Brent]: We're looking for safe people that can validate and not try to fix and that may just be a few people and so, we recognize we're all not going to have just a whole bunch of people to really support us in this, you know? It may just be a few, but it's okay to be pretty selective with that.

[Janis]: Yeah. So, if your friend anticipates what that friend needs, whether it is picking up kids from school and don't just say “would you like me to pick up the kids from school?”, say “okay, I'm gonna pick up the kids from school. Unless you have an issue with that, I'm going to get them after school” or “I'm going to bring dinner” or “I'm gonna sit with you and watch a movie”.

[Janis]: So, just being in there, because nobody's gonna say when you say “let me know if there's anything I can do for you”.

[Janis]: People don't do that. So, anticipate.

[Brent]: They don’t want-- Yes, yeah.

[Janis]: And well, they don't even know sometimes what they need.

[Janis]: So, anticipate.

B0 And we're not trying to force anything on anybody.

[Brent]: You know. So, they go “well, I really do need to pick up the kids because of this and this and I need to [Unintelligible] the teacher” or “this one is really gonna-- One of my children is not gonna feel comfortable with that”.

[Brent]: We respect that obviously.

[Brent]: But to be really-- Very practical.

[Janis]: Proactive.

[Brent]: Very proactive, that's the word.

[Brent]: Very proactive with this is really important.

[Janis]: And that is especially true with the really hard things, like going to the funeral, going to Mom's house and help clean-- Or help to-- Go into their mother's house and helping them clean out the house.

[Janis]: Those kinds of things are very, very important and then another one and we talked about this when we did our very first podcast on family dynamics.

[Janis]: So, you're going to be with family for the holidays [Unintelligible]. So, whether it's at the funeral or if it's like, the first time they've come to a school event after they've lost that person, be by them as their friend and if somebody says something tacky, either steer them away or make a comforting comment to them, but just helping them so they have a wingman and they don't feel like they're all on their own.

[Janis]: Love them, just love them. Do something for them, don't sit back and go “oh, I don't know what to do”. It's better to do something than to do nothing. So, if that's bringing a plant over, if that's bringing a casserole over that never ever gets eaten, it doesn't matter.

[Brent]: Yeah, [Unintelligible] counts.

[Janis]: It really is and even if they say no flowers, sometimes it's just really nice to have a plan delivered to the house. Something to help them know that they're cared about. So, there's a number of good books on grief, you can look all over the internet and you can find some. I've got a couple of them in this process that I found that I really like and the first one is by Megan Devine and that's “It's OK That You're Not OK”.

[Brent]: Can you spell that last name?

[Janis]: D-E-V-I-N-E. I think I said “Divine” before.

[Brent]: Great. Megan Devine, okay.

[Janis]: Yeah. Devine/Devine, Potato/Potato.

[Brent]: [Unintelligible] pronounces it the right way, we just don't know.

[Janis]: Yes, yes. The other one is “I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye” by Brook Noel and Pamela Blair. Now, that one in particular, it has some really good lists in it of what to do. Actually, I think both of them do have some very good lists of what to do immediately after someone dies. Just the checklist of what needs to-- You know, talk to the pastor or go to the funeral home, that kind of thing that when we're in shock, we often don't know what to do.

[Brent]: Right, just get frozen.

[Janis]: Yes. So, both of those are really good. I would say “Refuge in Grief” is the name of the website-- Refu--

[Brent]: Refuge?

[Janis]: Refugeingrief.com is where you can get some really good resources from making whatever her last name is, Devine/Devine.

[Janis]: But there's some really good things and she encourages you to download those, so that you can print off copies to give to friends or to have for yourself in case things happen. So, there's a lot of good resources out there. I think it's important that we all work on being a good friend to friends that are grieving and recognize that grief is death, but grief is a lot of other things too.

[Janis]: And we want to acknowledge it in ourselves and we want to support other people in going through the process.

[Brent]: Yeah, and most grief, most loss is complicated in that it's on several levels, you know? And so, if somebody let go of a job, not only is it a loss of income, you know? In financial insecurity, but it also can feel just a blow to their ego or it-- They might end up having to move or they lost friendships that they had in that work environment. I mean, there can be half a dozen different kinds of losses and so, just allowing people to be able to talk about those as they need to and again, we just can't emphasize enough how important it is for us to be safe people for them.

[Brent]: And to be able to validate those feelings. You know, we're using that word a lot, but-- I don't know that we could over emphasize it is, there's-- You are-- You and your presence are the fix, not necessarily words that you're going to say of encouragement and doesn't mean we can't be encouraging in the process, but lead with that being a safe person and letting them talk and recognizing that their journey and how long this is going to take, is their journey. There's not a right way to do this, it's the real way for each and every person and what we found is-- Because we sometimes feel the pressure to try to help people if we feel like they're still struggling with this. We want to “what's the silver bullet that's going to help them feel better?”. That actually usually makes it worse.

[Brent]: Because it comes across that “well, if you would just do this or think this, then you wouldn't feel those feelings” and then they have to like “no, this is really hurtful”. It actually makes the emotion more stronger.

[Brent]: Because they feel invalidated and so, it's just simply being on the journey with people and being willing to be in the journey as long as it takes. So, let's be that for others and then allow ourselves the time that it takes for us to get through it. You know, people apologize, again, a lot for “gosh, it's been six months or it's been this and I should be-- I am still struggling with this”; “Well, it's-- Well, yeah”, you know? And if it's a two-to-five-year process to grieve a loved one through death, well, some of these other losses are ongoing losses, they don't ever get totally finalized and so, all of these can-- These just take as long as they take.

[Brent]: So, let's allow ourselves to do this what we need, let's be there for each other. We recognize that life-- In this life, we will have trouble, there's going to be losses that we're all going to experience, but there is a way through this together. So, blessings as you go. Peace to you.