Love Nuggets (Episode 7)

Brent and Janis give you practical ways to enrich your relationships.

50 Love Nugget Ideas

Simple ideas that show me love. Practical, Positive and Personal

1. Write me a love note.

2. Go for a walk with me.

3. Watch a romantic/action adventure movie with me.

4. Bring me coffee or juice in bed.

5. Buy an actual newspaper I like and bring it to me. NY Times?

6. Rub my back (with no strings attached.)

7. Prepare a bubble bath for me.

8. Set up a surprise round of golf with my friends.

9. Surprise me with a cup of tea when I am working late at night.

10. Put my towel in the dryer to warm while I am in the shower.

11. Surprise me with my favorite coffee

12. Play a board game with me.

13. Get me a single rose or a grocery store bouquet.

14. Rub my back (with string attached).

15. Drop by my office with my favorite drink.

16. Make my favorite snack while I am watching sports, or my favorite sitcom.

17. Make my favorite meal or dessert.

18. Bring me a cold drink when I am working in the yard.

19. Pick out simple jewelry and surprise me with it.

20. Mail me a love letter.

21. Email me and tell me why you love me.

22. Text me that I look nice and that you are attracted to me.

23. Encourage me to have (and help make it happen) a guys or girls night out.

24. Surprise me by putting gas in my car or washing my car.

25. Leave a small present on the seat of my car.

26. Spontaneously take me to get ice cream.

27. Watch one of “my” shows with me.

28. Hold my hand in public.

29. Give me a hug when I come home.

30. Fix or order dinner one night and play my favorite music.

31. Go to a home improvement store with me just to keep me company.

32. Text me during the day to check in with me or tell me you love me.

33. Using a dry erase marker, write on the bathroom mirror something you love about me.

34. Bring me a small gift “just because.”

35. Leave a note in my car/computer bag, etc. to tell me you miss me when we are apart.

36. Do a gross chore that no one wants to do - like cleaning out the refrigerator.

37. Suggest a movie I would like even if it’s not your favorite.

38. Look me in the eyes and give me a sincere compliment.

39. Get my favorite food and watch sports with me.

40. Surprise me at work and take me out to lunch.

41. Make a play list of romantic songs for me.

42. Run an errand that you know I hate.

43. Watch the kids so I can nap.

44. Go for a bike ride with me.

45. Randomly tell me that if you met me today, you would marry me.

46. Do yoga with me.

47. Randomly kiss me during the day.

48. Make a loving post about me on social media.

49. Pick up my favorite dessert on your way home.

50. Open the car door for me or wait for me at the back of the car.

Transcript:

[Brent]: Hey friends, welcome back. We're glad that you're with us again for another moment together with Life & Love Nuggets. This week-- 

[Janis]: With Brent--

[Brent]: With Brent and Janis Sharp.

[Janis]: Yes. [Unintelligible]. Start over because I think we need to do a more formal like-- Like a take. So, welcome back to life and-- Okay.

[Brent]: Okay. I don't know that we need to, but we'll do that.

[Janis]: Okay. Because you'll please me.

[Brent]: I'll please you.

[Janis]: Okay, good.

[Brent]: Welcome back, friends. We're glad that you're with us for another episode of Life & Love Nuggets. Last time we talked a little bit about magical thinking and talked about that love is an action, it's a choice that we make, it's something that we do that creates feelings and for the next few weeks, we're going to talk about this idea of how do we purposely move towards each other. You know, in every relationship we start out when we have-- When we're in that smitten phase, which we talked about was a thing. This idea of chemistry that there's a benefit to that. But we start out with what we call a face-to-face relationship, it's kind of “you and me, baby, against the world”. Again, we remember that early in courtship, where it was just really easy to do nice stuff for each other. I remember the brownies.

[Janis]: Yes. When Brent took me out for the first time or maybe you sent me roses.

[Brent]: I don't know.

[Janis]: I think he got-- Anyway, we started getting to know each other and he sent me roses and so, I baked a plate-- I did a plate of brownies and I wrote out a scripture and wrapped it around each one and delivered it to his dorm. Which was really funny because I had never baked before in my life. The girls helped me in the dorm and I was not really familiar with scripture at that particular point, so I had to have some friends help me look up scriptures to write on there. So, it really was a fake out, but I think it worked anyway.

[Brent]: Again, I remember those days. I couldn't wait till the next time I saw you and it was easy to get roses and flowers and do those kinds of nice things for each other and we started out face to face. It's again, “you and me, baby, against the world”. It feels amazing during that time.

[Brent]: We call it the unoffendable zone, it's almost impossible to offend each other. Even if you do something that irritates me or bugs me, I just overlook it. It's like “oh, they didn't mean that”. Isn't that cute how they do that? I mean, all this kind of thinking, okay? Because there's so much power in this connection that we have. This is why we usually consider walking the aisle, walking down the aisle with this person. But every relationship, again, studies tell us we all get about 18 months of that, where it's pretty easy, but every relationship turns side to side and now, we have jobs, we had to get jobs.

[Brent]: We had bills to pay, we had to clean the house, we had to take care of stuff, you know? Eventually we started having children and you know, you're going to soccer practice here and soccer practice there and this and that and the other and the best of people and the best of relationships, will slowly start disconnecting. We don't do this on purpose, we don't-- We don't even realize we're doing it, it just-- Is surely the demands of life. There's so much expectation in life that draws our attention and we get focused on all of that and we slowly get disconnected and we start living kind of two separate lives.

[Janis]: And if we're not careful, we start turning into being old married people that sit in separate rooms and watch separate shows and barely talk to each other. I think about the old joke of the guy that said “I told you I loved you when I married you. If I change my mind, I'll let you know”. Weekendness can easily slide into that.

[Brent]: And so, if we start getting disconnected, you get out here and you just look at me wrong and I'm irritated. I mean, it just doesn't take much to-- And so, this first strategy, because we're going to give you some real significant steps, some strategies that you can do, some behaviors that you can choose to do, to begin to move back towards each other. We’ve found in our experience that we need about-- If we can get 4% of our weekly time and energy moving back towards each other and caring for each other, then we can live side to side and do pretty well. 4% percent is about seven hours.

[Brent]: We have 168 hours in a week, 4% that's about seven hours.

[Janis]: But that doesn't mean that's the only time we see each other.

[Brent]: No

[Janis]: That's the time that we intentionally put on our relationship.

[Janis]: And I think these principles can work in any relationship, with other people in your lives, with your kids, with other family members.

[Janis]: But we have to be, again, intentional. I'll say a thousand times.

[Brent]: Yes. That's a good word to keep mentioning, it's a choice. Love is a choice, it's an action. Feelings follow that, but if we can get about 4% of our week through some habits. Now, some of these take a minute a day, some of these take a few minutes periodically throughout the week. One of these takes a few hours one time a week. But if we can do this, then we can live here and thrive, because most of life will be lived side to side.

[Janis]: Side to side, right.

[Brent]: We're not going to sit over candlelight dinners for five hours every night staring into each other's eyes, dreaming about our next vacation. I mean, this is not real life.

[Janis]: We're empty nesters and we still don't have time to do that.

[Brent]: Right. We get up, we go to work, we do these things and-- But how do we be intentional about feeding and caring for our marriage? Most marriages that we encounter are being underfed.

[Brent]: The marriage is dealing with malnutrition and because they're kind of disconnected and they're dealing with malnutrition, it just doesn't take much to be irritable with each other.

[Janis]: Well, and a lot of marriages now die of neglect.

[Janis]: They haven't put the energy into it and so, the marriage can die of neglect.

[Brent]: Yes. So, we're going to talk about how do you feed your marriage properly and relationships. Again, as Janis mentioned, this principle-- We're going to talk about this first one, is something you can do with your children. It can be very powerful or a friend and so, the first one, we're going to talk a little bit about the principle-- Many of you have heard of a principle called “The Love Bank” and I like that term, because when I think about a bank, it suggests that we have an emotional love bank that operates similar to our financial bank. In your financial world, you know you make deposits and you make withdrawals. You put money in, you take money out. If you take more money out than you put in, you're in trouble. The bank will find you.

[Janis]: One way or another.

[Brent]: One way or another. Matter of fact, it's the worst feeling on the planet if you're checking account is overdrawn. Even a little $25 dollar bill that you get in the mail. If your checking account is overdrawn, is a big deal. It feels like a big deal. Well, if you've got $5,000 dollars in a checking account, you get a little $25 dollar bill in the mail, it's like nothing, you don't even think about it. You just pay it and you go on. You don't even feel it. Most marriages their fund, their bank is underfunded and it's all-- In many it's overdrawn and so, that's where again, you just look at me in that tone of voice and I'm irritated. It doesn't take much to set us off and so, how do we again fund that bank?

[Janis]: We had a very good example of this the first year we were married, from a financial bank perspective. Now, we were very busy. I remember again, we were 22. We were very busy; we were working and one of us forgot to deposit our paycheck.

[Brent]: One of us did.

[Janis]: One of us did and it was-- Our checks were sitting on the dresser underneath some things and we didn't realize that we forgot to deposit them and things went along pretty well for a little while and we took money out of the ATM and we wrote checks, back when you wrote checks and then, all of a sudden, back then you would get a number of very flat envelopes in the mail, that was telling us--

[Brent]: From the bank.

[Janis]: Yes, that we had bounce checks and sometimes, the fee for the bounce check was more than what the check was itself. Now, we figured out what happened, we talked to the bank. They didn't really care that we had the money somewhere. They didn't even care that we had money in the savings in another bank. What their concern was is we were withdrawing from an account that we hadn't been depositing into and that's what happens in our marriage a lot of times. We make withdrawals, but we're not depositing enough or not depositing it in the right place or in the right way, so that we can handle the withdrawals that come in life.

[Brent]: That brings up another really good point, because I usually ask couples “so, what are you doing for this marriage?”. I tell them about the principle and so, it's like, you know, “we need to fund this bank, so that we can--" Because we're gonna have bumps in the road. I mean, you're going to have challenges, you're gonna have bad days, you're gonna have days that you're just irritable because of just, it's the day and if we're, again, underfunded, it'll feel like it's a really big deal.

[Brent]: And so, we got to get this bank full. Most couples get that and then, I ask the couples “So, what are you doing for this marriage?”. Well, I can just see in their minds like, they start to go “well, I do this and I do this and I do this and I do--” I mean, their brain's just going crazy, you know? With all these things that I do.

[Brent]: And those are great, but they may not be what your partner needs. So, we had these checks sitting on a counter, we had savings at another bank across town, but it didn't get into their bank, it didn't get into the right account.

[Brent]: And so, all of you probably familiar with Gary Chapman's book--

[Janis]: “The Five Love Languages”

[Brent]: “The Five Love Languages”. It's, you know, been out for some time and suggesting that we have a tendency to give love in the form that we need. So, if I like something, well, surely you'll like it. Yeah.

[Brent]: Surprise, surprise, we usually marry somebody that needs it in a different form. So, we're giving with the purpose of “I'm caring for my partner”.

[Janis]: “And I think I'm doing a lot”.

[Brent]: “I do, I think I'm doing a lot and even if they don't appreciate it, they should appreciate it”.

[Janis]: “Because I'm loving you”.

[Brent]: “Because I'm loving you!” and yet, it's not really what they need and so, the five are--

[Janis]: Acts of service.

[Brent]: Acts of service.

[Janis]: Physical touch.

[Brent]: Physical touch.

[Janis]: Words of affirmation.

[Brent]: Words

[Janis]: Small gifts and quality time.

[Brent]: Quality time. So, I'm an acts of service guy. I just do it, because I'm breathing. My dad was a Colonel in the Army, we had all boys. I mean, the way I was raised is you go to school, you'll immediately come home, you go to your mother and she'll give you a list of chores to do. You do those chores, then you do your homework, then you go play. I mean, this is how I was raised, so I became a good little helper. I'm a good little soldier. I get married, I'm a helper. I mean, nobody needs to ask me to do anything, I just do it kind of naturally. I mean, if I see dishes out on the kitchen counter, I just put them away in the dishwasher. If something needs to be vacuum, I just pull the vacuum out and do it.

[Janis]: When our kids were little, if they would hear the vacuum come on, they'd go “Dad's home”.

[Brent]: Yes. No, no, I again, am a little bit OCD in my world and I'll probably do things a little bit excessive, but I like things a certain way and so, I would just be helpful. Thinking all along, gosh, I'm just such a good husband. Janis [Unintelligible]-- So, appreciate as a matter of fact, we're hanging out with other couples early in our marriage and you know, when you’re with other couples in social settings, you can kind of hear the chatter and you know, and you can kind of get a sense of what the relationships are like. Well, real quick I'm like “oh my gosh, I do way more than any of these dudes. I mean, my wife should be the happiest woman on the planet”.

[Janis]: People that I worked with, their husbands if we were at a party or something, they'd go “oh, you're Brent”.

[Brent]: And so, I'm thinking “oh my gosh, I'm just great. I'm just the greatest husband on the planet”, you know? And “she should be so happy” and yet, she said to me like way more often than I thought you should have.

[Janis]: “I’m just not feeling loved right now”.

[Brent]: “I'm not feeling special”. “Oh my gosh! How is this possible!? I mean, I helped with the dishes last night. I mean, I took your car on Saturday and I detailed it for you”. I don't even think you noticed.

[Janis]: I didn't. I wondered where you were.

[Brent]: So, here I am doing all of these things that I thought should feel loving. It's not our love language. I mean, now again, I think you appreciated that stuff.

[Brent]: You didn't want me to stop being helpful and-- But you probably assumed I would do that if I was a bachelor, which again, was probably true.

[Brent]: You didn't feel personally really loved by that and so, one of Janis's love language is-- Now, there's another principle in this. I don't-- You know, that just talked about that we all need all of them, but the one that usually shows up when we kind of make a list or we talk about it--

[Janis]: Yeah, it's a theory.

[Brent]: It’s a theory. Is the one that my partner really is bad at, okay?

[Janis]: Yes. So, we see-- We feel the lack because our partner is bad at it.

[Brent]: Yeah, and so, I mean, I've-- You know, Janis's thirst has been quenched on acts of service.

[Brent]: But she's like, been dying on the vine with things like quality time and small gifts. I'm just horrible at these, I just don't naturally do them well, it's just not my natural orientation. So, here in our world, in Tulsa, Oklahoma, we have beautiful springs and falls and we have a couple of porches at our house and one of the things that Janis-- This kind of thing that she would like, is if we were on a Saturday morning or something and for us to sit out on one of these porches for maybe an hour, hour and a half and just hang out.

[Brent]: Just talk and have coffee and just--

[Janis]: Read

[Brent]: Read, just be together.

[Janis]: Enjoy the day.

[Brent]: And I'm like, five minutes into this I'm like “I need to-- I need to sweep the porch” or “these bushes up here, I need to trim these bushes”. She doesn't care about the bushes. Now, I think in general you appreciate I keep the place looking nice.

[Janis]: I do. It doesn't need to be as perfect as it can be from time to time.

[Brent]: Okay

[Janis]: Uh huh

[Brent]: Once again, assuming I would probably do that if I was a bachelor, right?

[Janis]: You would, yes.

[Brent]: Which is true, because I like things a certain way and I’ve spent-- I’d hate to-- I mean, we're on this podcast together, I don't want to lie, but I’ve spent a few years?

[Janis]: Decades.

[Brent]: Was it that bad? I'm so sorry.

[Janis]: No

[Brent]: I’ve spent quite a bit of time trying to convince her “honey, but look at what I did”. Oh my God, it didn't work. It still hadn't worked after 44 years. I've kind of stopped trying to convince her of this now and--

[Janis]: And some of you have found this in other love languages, it's like you've given your spouse or your friends card after card and they just don't seem like they're excited. It's like “oh yeah, thanks”. Because it's not their love language, it's not the way that they receive love.

[Janis]: It's the way you want to give love, but it's not necessarily the way they receive love.

[Brent]: Yeah, the way that not only do you want to, but it's natural for you.

[Brent]: It's easier for you.

[Brent]: And so, the idea is I figured out-- Now, we were studying, you know, first few years of our marriage we were studying to become marriage counselors and I had to figure this out.

[Janis]: Yeah, because we had to learn because--

[Brent]: Because I was not-- It was not working for me to convince you that you should feel loved by all these amazing things that I do and I had to learn how to sit on the porch. I just had to learn how to love you in a way that was meaningful to you and now, we're going to tell you a strategy here and the reason we do this is, first of all, the book was not out 44 years ago when we got married, but even if it had been and I had learned that your love language was quality time, I would have never connected that to sitting on the porch on a Saturday morning.

[Brent]: So, your spouse is the only one that could tell you “This particular behavior is what really helps me feel loved”.

[Janis]: I can't tell you the number of times I've had clients say “but I am doing quality time with them, we sat on the couch like three nights this week together for hours” and the other one would go “yeah, but you were answering emails or you were playing a game or you were folding laundry. Well, I thought we were supposed to be watching a show together”. So, even if it is quality time, acts of service, whatever it is, you kind of have to define what that means to you. Because again, they'll think they're meeting that, but they're not, because it's not in the way that's right for you.

[Brent]: So, what we're going to ask you to do, now, we encourage you to get with your spouse and talk about this, okay? Now, one of the false narratives that you're going to see that we're pushing against here is “well, if you really loved me, I wouldn't need to tell you this. I wouldn't explain to you what I need”. How is that possible? How could you possibly read another person's mind? It's not possible and so, we're simply trying to help each other love each other. If feelings follow behavior-- You're going to hear us talk a lot about that. If that is the principle that is true, we believe it is, then let's help each other love each other. If we want to enjoy this journey together, let's stop thinking magical about this, that if we really had love, then you would just know this and it would just be natural for us. This is not a thing, okay? In real human relationships.

[Janis]: And I think another thing is people will say “I've told you several times that's what I need”. Well, you've also told them a whole lot of other things and so, by doing the way, by doing the exercise that we're encouraging you to do, it's saying “no, really this is what I want”. It's making it more-- What would you say? Not important, more-- It's making it more something.

[Janis]: It’s saying “I really do want this”.

[Brent]: Yes, emphasize it.

[Janis]: Intentional, I'm going to say intentional again.

[Brent]: There you go.

[Janis]: Yeah, okay?

[Brent]: Yes, and so, again, we're trying to help each other love each other. We would really like to enjoy this journey and so, let's help each other. So, what we have you do, is we're going to have you sit down and make a list of 10 things, is we're going to have you start with.

[Janis]: Individually

[Brent]: Individually, 10 things that if your partner were to do for you, it would feel like love. Now, these need to follow three guidelines. The first is these need to be practical and behaviorally specific. So, don't say something like “well, just be loving and kind and thoughtful”. No idea what that means, okay?

[Brent]: I know what “Hey, if I'm working out in the garage, if you bring me my favorite cold drink, I really like that” or “if you put your arm around me in church or hold my hand in public, I feel loved by that” and so, very practical and behaviorally specific. So, don't say “take me to the Bahamas for a month”, okay? Unless that's practical for you and if it is, by the way, we have some Ministry projects we'd like to talk to you about, so just email us.

[Janis]: The Bahamas Marriage Cruise.

[Brent]: Yeah, The Bahamas Marriage Cruise.

[Brent]: Very simple, easily repeatable. The second-- By the way, we're going to put some ideas. One of the things I've experienced, I don't know if you have or not, but one of the things I've experienced is that when I give this task to women, they could come up with like, 25 in like, 45 seconds. I have guys oftentimes struggle with this. I don't know if that's-- It's not always that way of course.

[Janis]: I think sometimes too it's their enneagram number or their conditioning. If they're conditioned to go “I shouldn't ask for anything either way”, that's when I find people have trouble with it.

[Brent]: So, this is going to take some of you some extra effort to do this, but I encourage you really to do this, okay? But we're gonna put in the show notes 50 ideas. These are just things that are going to give you some-- Get your brain cooking, okay? Get your creative juices flowing. You don't have to pick from this list, even-- I've had a few people just star off of our columns. “This one and this one and this one”, that's okay, but it's okay to be creative with your own ideas.

[Brent]: The second is positive. So, this is not “quit interrupting while we were talking” or “stop throwing your dirty clothes in the bathroom floor”. That is not for this list, okay? Now, eventually we're going to talk about conflict resolution and all that kind of stuff, but not for this exercise, okay? These are all positive and they also need to be personal.

[Brent]: So, probably not “clean out the gutters” or something. I mean, unless that's really meaningful to you. Now--

[Janis]: I will say--

[Janis]: When we were first married, he would take my car every Saturday morning. He would clean it, it would be in perfect shape, vacuumed and it all looked great. I didn't notice, you know? I live on a higher plane, especially then or when I had small kids, they were going to trash it anyway. Now, I love it that he takes my car and he cleans it and he keeps it looking really nice and he fills it with gas. So, you know, some of these can change over time, but there are a few things that are chores that can be a love nugget.

[Janis]: And I think on our list, one of them that we put in there-- I sent our list a while back to all of our children to say “do you want to add any to these or some that you guys have?” and two of them came back with “clean out the really yucky things in the refrigerator from time to time” and that really felt like they were loving their spouse by cleaning out the refrigerator.

[Brent]: Yeah, if you're an acts of service guy and person, you're going to want to put those down.

[Brent]: [Unintelligible] “give the baby a bath”, you know?

[Brent]: Or whatever and so, whatever this--

[Janis]: But it can’t be all chores.

[Janis]: Because acts of service people will tend to put all chores.

[Brent]: Okay. Are you--? Is that a passive aggressive statement?

[Janis]: No

[Brent]: It gets about me?

[Janis]: No

[Brent]: Never? Oh dear.

[Janis]: No, what!?

[Brent]: So, practical, positive and personal, make sure all 10 of them follow those guidelines. Now, what we have you do then, is once we get this-- Once you get this list, is we have you exchange these and for the next 30 days-- It generally takes 30 days to form a habit in our life. Now, that's no guarantee, we all have done things for 30 days and then we promptly stop, but hopefully, it will get you in this rhythm of thinking consistently about “have I done something today that they felt?”. What we're looking for is a “oh honey, thank you, that was nice”. We're not looking for “oh my gosh! You wouldn't believe what they did for me”. I mean, those are going to happen every once-in-a-while in life. We're talking about simple little loving behaviors. This is the stuff that actually connected us in the beginning of a relationship, it's these simple little caring behaviors.

[Janis]: We've had two daughters get married in the last five years and it's been really interesting to be there for close up courtship, because it would be things like “oh, I was studying for a test and Grant drove over an hour and went and got me a mocha to bring to me”. It's those things we did when we were dating that really mean so much to us.

[Brent]: We're taking what was naturally inspirational and realizing that, well, that's not what we can count on anymore, but we can make it purposeful. If we choose to do these things, it can really have an amazing outcome and so, the-- So, what we have you do is make a list of 10, exchange these and for the next 30 days, we encourage you to pick something about every other day. We're just trying to get into this, work into this rhythm, okay? Now, regardless of how you feel, it has nothing to do with how you feel and you may feel like they just irritated you last night, but I'm choosing to do this, this is what moves love forward and we don't get stuck on those things that we were irritated by. But love is the dominant force in our relationships, because we're choosing to do these things.

[Brent]: Now, obviously on the 31st day, we're not going to go “well, did that exercise. Check it off the list”, okay? Hopefully by then, as a matter of fact, we encourage couples to get to where literally every day the rest of your life, you're thinking about this. In our experience in today's modern world, as many things that are pulling us away from each other towards out other things, kids, work, volunteer, it can be whatever it is. If we're not making daily deposits, simple little caring kindnesses into our love bank, we're going to slide backwards and it's going to really have a negative effect and so, these things don't have to be profound, but they can make a profound difference in the relationship.

[Brent]: So, you know, if you come up with a great list of ten, that means I've been-- Before asking you to think about doing something every day the rest of your life, you can't be limited to these ten.

[Brent]: Or they're gonna get kind of used to it and so, one of the things that Janis loves is she likes a mocha latte.

[Janis]: And he has gotten me one anywhere we are in the world.

[Brent]: So, I made that commitment.

[Brent]: So, I walked the streets of London and South Africa and I was embarrassed to find her one. Now on our way to the office, the days that we're in the office together, we'd drive by a coffee shop and I used to just drive through there, get it, tap on her door and then, I realized I'm paying for half the barista's medical insurance and so, we--

[Janis]: Or salary.

[Brent]: Or salary. I got a nice coffee machine at home and I make her one every morning.

[Janis]: Uh huh

[Brent]: Now, she's kind of used to it. I think if I didn't--

[Janis]: I’d still appreciate it.

[Brent]: She does. I mean, she says “thank you” every time I bring it to her. It's meaningful, but it's gotten-- She's gotten kind of used to it. If I didn't, she'd be like going “uh…”

[Janis]: “Coffee?”

[Brent]: [Unintelligible]. So, we want you to be adding to these. So, be thinking of other stuff. If you think of something, just tell them. “Hey, I thought of something else you can put on my list”. Now, it's not “hey, I thought of something you have to do for me”, that's not the spirit of this. The spirit of this is “hey, if you want to love me, this is my target, this is how I feel loved”. But I want to help that Target get bigger and bigger and bigger, so it's easier to do, you can do more variety and we can make this a creative kind of thing. So, we're just simply, again, trying to help each other love each other.

[Brent]: If we want to enjoy this journey, we get to choose the eventual outcome of the feelings and the closeness that we have as a couple. We actually get to choose that.

[Janis]: And I think in other relationships we can observe some of the things, especially if you have kids at home, you can see some of the things that mean the most to them. I had one daughter who, you know, she was just pretty much self-sufficient for a lot of her life, she was very independent, but I noticed in high school, she started asking me to iron her uniform before school. She was very capable of doing that or she asked me to read her AP Lit books to her some at night when she was tired from being in sports and I thought “this is so interesting, because she's so independent” and then, I realized that she was really looking for acts of service. She wanted me to do something that helped her feel loved and in the midst of four kids and the crazy schedule we had and everybody in sports and everything that was going on, that was her way of saying “I just needed a little more attention, a little more love” and so, then instead of having the “what? You want me to iron your uniform?”, it was like “sure, I can do that for you”.

[Janis]: So, it's watching your kids to see what kind of things they're asking you to do, what kind of things make them happy. I think it's the same thing with your friends. You know, I have a friend that sends me lots of cards and I think that's probably what she wants and so, I send cards to her. It's different things in different people, but observing them and then even asking them “is this something you would like?”, that can help us know how we can help them feel loved and help build the relationship further.

[Brent]: Yeah, and we've seen-- We're just encouraging you to test us in this, try it. We've seen some of the most challenging difficult circumstances. When they simply start caring for each other in very simple ways, we're actually amazed at times how it warms things up. It's one of those things that really makes a difference. Now, we also tell couples “Don’t be surprised if the first few times they do something for you, you're not going to be overwhelmed by this”. It's like this is an exercise we're doing. They “I gave them a list of stuff”, so you're not gonna be overwhelmed, but if they're doing it three weeks from now, three months from now, three years from now, eventually it's gonna start soaking in “they really do care about me, they're really trying to love me” and it really can make a difference and so, we've not found a way to get you past that initial little awkward part, you know, where it's kind of like “this is a thing we heard on a podcast and we're doing it”, you know?

[Brent]: But if you can keep doing it, keep bearing into it, keep-- Don't get wary and well doing, don't keep score. If you if you start doing this and your partner kind of forgets, the best way to remind them is to just keep doing it, eventually they're gonna go “oh my gosh, they're doing such nice things for me. I forgot. You know, there's some things I could do for them”.

[Brent]: The best way is not to criticize them, you know? And tell them “I knew you wouldn't do that”. That's never going to motivate anybody long term and so, just give this a chance, give it 30 days.

[Brent]: Let's see, see what can happen and we'd love to hear from some of you. You know, how it might have helped you ultimately and so, remember feelings follow behavior, it's a choice that we make and if we can make the right choices and do it in collaboration from each other, we ultimately get to determine the outcome of how vibrant and thriving our relationships can be.

[Janis]: And we don't have to turn into old married people.

[Brent]: We don't have to turn it old married people. We're trying to keep boyfriend/girlfriend.

[Janis]: Forever

[Brent]: That's what we want long term, forever and ever. So, as we go today, friends, we're again thank you for listening in. We hope that you'll take some of these strategies and start implementing them. Just start and begin, see what happens and so, as you go into your day, we are excited to have you back next week and we're going to give you some other ideas on some things that you can continue to do and the ways that you care for each other. Blessings to you as you. Go in peace.