The Neurobiology of Change: How it Happens (Change: Part 2) Episode 32

In Part 2 of this series on change, Brent and Janis discuss how we actually make changes that are needed in our lives. Even though change is difficult, the process of learning along with neurobiology can make it easier.

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The Life & Love Nuggets podcast will help you learn valuable insights into relationships, life, and love. Brent and Janis have been empowering couples through pre-marriage and marriage therapy in their private practice, Life Connection Counseling, since 1982. They recently retired after forty years of pastoral ministry and are continuing to help individuals, marriages and families in their private practice.

The podcast is produced by Clayton Creative in Tulsa, Oklahoma. The content should not be considered or used for counseling but for educational purposes only.

Transcript:

[Brent]: Hello, friends. Welcome back to Life & Love Nuggets. We're glad that you're with us for another podcast together. Last time we started kind of series on change, and we looked at kind of inevitable change, change that--

[Janis]: We have no control over.

[Brent]: We have no control over. We're aging and those kinds of things, and how do we deal with that? And then, there's some changes in our life, things that happen that we didn't ask for, that we don't like it and so, we talked about that and today, we're going to look at the reality that as we go through life, we're going to end up facing some things in our life and realizing that there are some things that actually need to change.

[Janis]: Yes

[Brent]: And it's not going the right way. Something's not working right. We're not thriving in a certain way and we really need to change this. So, how do we actually do that?

[Janis]: Well, the changes can be anything. We may need to change habits, we may need to change attitudes, we may need to change relationships, but something needs to change. A lot of us get habits that, you know, we keep doing them even though we don't like them. Sometimes we hate them.

[Brent]: Yes

[Janis]: But we do it because we get something from it and generally, that's comfort. It makes me feel better if I do this, even though I know it's bad, even though I don't want to do it, I still get something out of it. Nobody decides “gosh, I think I'm going to get some really bad habits. So, I'll have heart disease later” or “I'm going to ruin my marriage”.

[Brent]: Yeah

[Janis]: It's just we feel bad and so, we're looking for something to help us feel better. So, I might be angry and then “I'm going to go to the casino because I can win big and I'll feel better”, or “I'm going to eat too much” or “I'm going to buy that thing on Amazon that popped up that I really need that today”.

[Brent]: Yeah, yeah. “Today”.

[Janis]: “Today”. I have a friend and she gave me this really cute coaster and it says “Therapist: What do we do when we're sad? Me: Add to cart. Therapist: No”. But that's what we do. We want to let these things go, but we hold on to them because they do something for us and it's scary to let go of them. How am I going to find comfort? How am I going to feel better? But we know they're wrong, or not productive at least.

[Brent]: Right, right.

[Janis]: And we do them over and over, and then we try to quit over and over and over. Even if we know we need to change, we just hold on to those.

[Brent]: Yeah. So, to start this discussion, I think it's helpful for us to first of all, understand how we learn, how these habits and practices form in our life in the first place and we actually learn from a process called over learning, where we're actually doing something over and over. I was listening to a podcast the other day of a child psychologist, and they were talking about developmental stages and that her little like, four-month-old or something was just reaching out for this ball in their crib over and over and over again, and they were talking about how that's how we learn. We do it over and over and over again and it suggests that during our childhood, that we have this kind of conditioning that takes place.

[Brent]: There are certain grooves that actually get cut in our brain by doing something over and over and over again that develops a way of acting, a way of thinking about life and it's like a blueprint that begins to form in the brain. It's called a schema. It's a certain pattern of a way of thinking and acting and it's like a schematic diagram of what happens in the brain as it forms, and it kind of cuts these grooves and I always look at it a little bit like if we could envision a stage coach, you know? Old fashioned stage coach that's coming into town.

[Janis]: Oh, yeah.

[Brent]: And if the ground is muddy, then it kind of cuts these grooves and as that stage coach comes back time and time again, the deepest groove is basically where that wooden wheel is going to slip into and so, that kind of happens in our brain and so, we develop these patterns, kind of slips into that deepest groove. So, a good example of this is how we ride a bicycle. So, I remember-- We have four kids. I remember training all of them in how to ride a bicycle.

[Brent]: Now, we used training wheels, which was probably dumb, okay? Because we weren't really-- You know, training wheels don't ever stay solid because they're bending back and forth and they end up bending.

[Janis]: Yes

[Brent]: And so, I always say that we were actually training our child how to ride a tricycle because one of the little wheels was off the ground and they were leaning, riding on this bicycle and they were doing that over and over again and it was forming their brain improperly.

[Janis]: Yeah, yeah.

[Brent]: It wasn't “how do I ride a bicycle?”. But I remember the day that we were going to be brave enough or they were going to be brave enough and we were--

[Janis]: And we were getting brave enough.

[Brent]: I had to take off the training wheels. I remember holding on the back of the seat, and I would say “okay, start pedaling” and we would kind of go down the driveway and I remember the fear in their eyes. They would look back at me like “don't let go!”. I said “You gotta-- The faster you pedal, the easier it will be to get your balance”. Now, I think they thought I was tricking them, okay? But what was actually happening is there were impulses that were being sent from the legs and the hands and the eyes and the balance in the inner ear. They were sending messages to their little brains and the brain was capturing these and as they did that over and over again, it was developing a groove, a blueprint; “This is how you ride a bicycle”. It's a certain formatting, kind of like a computer program on “this is how you ride a bicycle”. The more they practice, the more stable they got. Eventually, I could kind of let go and I remember the day they would kind of catch themselves.

[Janis]: Yeah

[Brent]: They would start leaning one direction. They kind of caught themselves, and all of a sudden, they were up and they were going “oh my gosh!”. Now, they had no idea how to stop.

[Janis]: Right

[Brent]: And so, I had to run ahead of them.

[Janis]: That was scary too.

[Brent]: And catch them until they learn kind of the braking system and so forth. But eventually, they figured out, the brain captured it and they did it over and over. I remember one of our children actually had a little trick bike at one time, you know? That he did little tricks on and stuff and stood on the handlebars and well, that was because he had done hundreds and hundreds of hours of this and the brain had captured that and so, it develops a schema, develops this program on how you ride a bicycle. It's a wonderful thing on how God made us.

[Brent]: It's wonderful that we don't have to learn how to talk every day. That would be cumbersome. Or we have a hunger pain, and we start feeling like “I need to eat. This keeps us alive”. We get out of bed in the morning and we just start walking. We have one little one-year-old that just went from-- You know, how they walk around the furniture. Well, they crawl, first of all. Then they start pulling themselves up, they start walking around the furniture, and then all of a sudden, they look across the room and go “oh, I want to go over there” and he just took off and within a week now, he is a walker and so, he's just everywhere now.

[Janis]: Yes

[Brent]: But again, his brain has captured that and he will forever know how to walk. Again, it's really a beautiful thing. Now, the challenge is we've also learned some behaviors and some ways of thinking and some ways of acting that are not so healthy. I still remember the first time that I said something to one of our kids that had been said to me. Now, we have wonderful parents. They're beautiful, loving people, but there were just a few things that they picked up and I remember one time, I think my dad said-- You know, I was whimpering about something and it was “stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about” and I remember that came out of my mouth and I was like “no! I said, I would never say this!”.

[Janis]: Yes. That's part of a lot of our childhood at our age. We heard that a lot from our parents.

[Brent]: Yes. So, it's challenging. But the good news is that even though these schemas can feel like, almost like cured concrete, okay? It's a little bit like, when our brain is formatting, it's soft concrete and it's moldable and you can kind of form it and get these grooves and patterns in. But even though it kind of feels like it's cured and it's really hard to change these, we can learn new ways and they've studied the brain now, the neuroplasticity of the brain, which is this amazing way that the brain has to reformat, and the definition is the ability of neural networks in the brain to change through growth and reorganization. It's when the brain is rewired to function in some way that differs from how it previously functioned. This is miraculous.

[Janis]: It's neuroplasticity.

[Brent]: Yes.

[Janis]: It can be molded. It can be changed. We're not stuck.

[Brent]: Yes. So, keep this in mind when you find yourself having a really hard time changing, know that the brain is designed to be able to change. Now, another factor we're going to talk about is that we have to recognize that the brain's primary function in our life is to increase pleasure and decrease pain. It's one of the basic foundational functions of the brain and brain studies also suggest that our brain needs to seek homeostasis, which is this balance between positive feelings and negative feelings. It needs to kind of feel this neutrality. So, we see what happens is we're in pain and some negative things are happening in our life; We look for some pleasure to offset that. One of my definitions of sin is this: “inappropriate response to a real and legitimate need”. So, this idea that the brain can change, this neuroplasticity-- Easy word to say.

[Janis]: Yeah, it's easy for you.

[Brent]: Keep this in mind because even though change is going to be difficult, it can happen. Another factor that we need to recognize is the brain's primary function is to increase pleasure and decrease pain. It's to protect us in these ways and brain studies suggest that the brain seems to seek a homeostasis, kind of a middle ground between those two. So, if we're in pain and things are going negative in our life, we tend to look for some pleasure to offset that.

[Brent]: Now, this can go badly. Obviously, one of my definitions for sin, if we use that kind of language, is “an inappropriate response to a real or legitimate need”. We all have real needs to feel loved, to feel valuable, to have peace, to eat, to be sexually intimate. These are God designed needs that are appropriate and there's a certain way for those to get met that goes well for us. That the way that we've been designed as humans is to follow these kinds of paths in getting those needs met. But if we don't know how to get those needs met that way, then there's like a gazillion counterfeits out there. All of these other things that will say “This will make you happy. This will help numb you out. This will help you feel better”.

[Janis]: So, a counterfeit is really a bad habit or a sin that we use to help us feel better.

[Brent]: Yes. Yeah, it helps offset that and bring us kind of back into balance and so, the challenge then is if we've slipped into an unhealthy or unproductive pattern of behavior or thinking, then not only do we have to stop that, but we also have to then, how do we get the legitimate need met legitimately? Because we're still going to have hunger pains that make us need to eat, our desires and, how do we get those met appropriately?

[Janis]: Or we’re going to be sad and we need to find something to help us feel better.

[Brent]: Yes, and so, the challenge is in our modern world, there are just so many counterfeits out there that are easily accessible that can tell us “This will satisfy your need”. Years ago, when you were hungry, you might have to go through a bunch of steps to actually grow food and prepare it and go seek it out, and a lot of effort went into that to get the benefit and so, it was kind of more easily imbalanced. Well, now we walk into the grocery store and there's like 25 different brands of cereal, and I just picked that number. There might be 50. I don’t know.

[Janis]: I know. There's a gazillion.

[Brent]: Or you can just have it delivered to your door, which is a beautiful thing.

[Janis]: A lot of places can get it to you in 20 minutes too.

[Brent]: Absolutely and so, you don't even have to move a muscle. So, I'm hungry. It's going to get delivered from the door. All I have to do is walk out and get it and go sit back on the couch again and so, it just causes us to kind of be out of balance more easily with unhealthy or unproductive things and so, trying to find this homeostasis is challenging when we're in pain, because counterfeits are so easily available seemingly instant and so, there seem to be four factors in our culture right now that make this so difficult, that we've got to pay attention to and this is going to come into play when we start talking about actually, how do we change this then? The first one is quantity.

[Brent]: So, I remember kind of-- Even though I was never a video game person and our kids weren't either, but I remember when they first came out. You know, somebody showed me one and how you actually played it, and it was like “oh, my gosh, this takes so much effort. Why would this be enjoyable?”. But now they're just all over the place and you can interact with people all over the world and do-- Where it's like you're in there. You know, it's like you're almost present there and who knows where that's going to go to where you're actually feeling like you're in the midst of this experience and so, it's just-- Netflix. How many shows are on there? You know? Or Prime, whatever it is, whatever the streaming platform and there's a bunch of streaming platforms now.

[Janis]: Yes

[Brent]: When you and I were growing up, there were three channels.

[Janis]: Right

[Brent]: And no recording capabilities. Now, yes, we're old, okay?

[Janis]: Yes

[Brent]: But we're not like, 200 years old. I mean, it wasn't that long ago.

[Janis]: Not quite, yeah, and it signed off at midnight.

[Brent]: Yeah, it signed off at midnight and just static, okay? And again, no way to record it. So, either you were there and got it, and it was another week before you could watch another episode of that, or you missed the whole thing and so, well, now you can just go from one to another and they've learned-- The Netflix people and the Prime people, that when one show ends, it just rolls into another one.

[Janis]: Yeah

[Brent]: They found out that that upped their viewership instead of just stopping and then you had to go hit a button or something to do the next one. No, they just start the next one and so, you can go from one to two to three, the whole process, or you can veg a whole series of a show in one afternoon and so, just the quantity is overwhelming right now.

[Janis]: Yeah, the second thing is that's really related to that is the accessibility and the availability. I mean, everything is on our phone. So, you can get anything. You can shop, you can gamble, you can get porn, you can order that food to be delivered to you. You can connect with an old boyfriend on social media. It's all there in your hand, and it's private; nobody else can see it. So, we don't have to sneak around anymore to do those things, it's right there on our screen and that's hard.

[Brent]: Yeah. Well, again, being old people, we remember there was one phone in the house.

[Janis]: Yeah

[Brent]: Seemed like we had at one time, one upstairs and one downstairs. But again, we had one phone in the house, and it had a cord attached to it. So, if you're talking on the-- You might have stretched that cord out into the kitchen or something so that you could have a little bit of a price. But pretty much everybody knew who you were talking to and knew what was happening and now, it's just so easy to have messages sent and text, and there's even apps that can keep them secret and all those kinds of things.

[Janis]: Right

[Brent]: So, it just makes it much more difficult right now. Another one is potency and so, you know, in the pornography world, oh my gosh, it's just gone crazy. I mean, it used to be people had to sneak into someplace and find something, and it was just a picture. We've seen old movies of where it was on a little card or trading card or something like that, and maybe even just a sketched-out picture. Well, now it's high-definition video.

[Janis]: Right

[Brent]: And so, drugs they find that they just have to keep adding more potency. That's why some that are out there right now will kill people, because they're so potent. But that's what happens in addictions and so forth, they have to keep making it more and more potent for it to be more and more stimulating and so, potency is another challenge with this.

[Janis]: And along with that is novelty. We want something that's different, we want something that's new and so, we're looking for the next new thing to kind of give us that hit to help us feel better. I mean, that can even be the news. News companies really know this because that's why we get those notifications of “This is breaking news! This is what happened!” and we're looking for what's new out there, whether it's a political situation or what Princess Kate wore to Wimbledon. You know, “here's the latest news” and we want that novelty. It's addictive. It's powerfully addictive.

[Brent]: Yeah, and so, with something like the news, they have to keep coming up with new ways-- Again, it's news. It's news.

[Janis]: New news.

[Brent]: And so, another slant on it, you know, “have you seen this?” or “did you see that slant on it?”. So, these make it more easy for the brain to get a dopamine hit, which is what happens in a high when we have a pleasure experience, dopamine hits the brain and we can get it with just our fingertips right now and so-- And then, since the brain needs to move back into homeostasis, it's followed by the hangover effect the day after, the feeling down and discouraged and low and depressed, which sets us up for another high.

[Janis]: Yeah

[Brent]: And again, that high needs to be a little bit more potent and to see where this leads. It's a killer and looking for that kind of more and more powerful results and because of those kinds of four qualities to it, it makes it so much more easily accessible.

[Janis]: So, even though change is hard, some people do change.

[Brent]: Yes. Keep that in mind. We can change, but we [Unintelligible]

[Janis]: Yes, and we can all change little things to big things. We can change, but what motivates us to change?

[Brent]: Yeah, and so, I encourage people every day and I think they look at me like, I've kind of lost my mind initially, because everybody comes to us in pain of some kind.

[Janis]: Right

[Brent]: Something that they're trying to manage isn't working well and that's why they walk into our offices and I say “don't fight this pain. Lean into this pain. Let it do its good work” and they look at me like, you know, I'm like a sadist or something. Like, I enjoy people--

[Janis]: Being miserable.

[Brent]: Being in pain, right? It's not the case, okay? It's certainly the greatest motivator for change in our life. I believe God even allows us to experience pain so that we will do something different. If we didn't feel some pain, we wouldn't change at all, we wouldn't do anything any different and so, I use the example of a stovetop. You know, we have these pain receptors in our hands. We've all been a little too close to a stovetop and because of the pain receptors, we pull our hand back. That keeps us safe, that causes us to be more cautious around stovetops. If we didn't have those, we would have burnt our hands off by now.

[Janis]: Right

[Brent]: We'd be talking to somebody with our hand too close and “what's that smell?”

[Janis]: “Oh, that's my hand”.

[Brent]: And so, I had another experience with a person and it was very interesting. They had been unfaithful and their spouse had a really traumatic reaction to their infidelity and it sent her into a real tailspin and he was scared. “What's going to happen? Is she going to be, okay?” and really convicting and dramatic for him. Now, initially he did struggle a bit with shame and condemnation and he had to work through that and realize that this doesn't mean that he's an evil, horrible person forever and ever. That he had to understand that he was still a valuable person to God and still loved. He had made a major mistake, huge and was going to take a lot of work to correct that and recover. But once he got through that, he stopped by some months later and said the image of that response of his wife's was actually helpful for him. That God actually used that for his good. It was motivating for him to make sure that he didn't put himself in any situations, that that kind of thing could happen again and he said “it's just kept me healthy, you know? God's not dangled it in front of me telling me ‘You bad person’”, you now?

[Janis]: Right

[Brent]: But it's just this good reminder of “this is so damaging; this is so harmful. Let's never go that direction again”. Because unfortunately with pain, we usually medicate pain. We usually hide from it, we usually deny it and then we have-- We get hit with, again, a counterfeit experience, get the dopamine high and we're off to the races again. But it can actually be something, pain can actually be something that can motivate us and move us into the direction of change. Finding healthy, life-giving practices. So, we first have to realize that we need to change and we have to begin to do something different. We have to live a different path until the new behaviors make the difference in our brain pathways. We're cutting some new grooves and it's kind of like we're having to go bust up the concrete, you know? And then we have to practice a new way. It's going to take time and we have to go in a new direction for a long enough period of time until the grooves in the new pathway are actually deeper and stronger and more powerful. But this can happen.

[Janis]: Yeah, and changes can be big, like recovering from infidelity, overcoming alcohol, getting some help with addictions, that type of thing, or they can be little things in our lives. Some are destructive, some don't seem as destructive, but they probably have some-- Easy for me to say, destructive tendencies like, overspending, buying the things on Amazon that you really, really need because they pop up there.

[Brent]: Yes, yes.

[Janis]: But it's hard. Whatever changes are, they're hard and we do need to recognize the need for change, decide how we want to change, and then stick to it and oftentimes that's the hard part. How do we stick to the things that we've decided that we want to change? I have a few things that I tell clients. Chime in with whatever you have.

[Brent]: This is good; this is what we were waiting for the whole time, how do we actually do this?

[Janis]: Okay, here we are. One of the things that I found is really helpful is to write down what you want to change.

[Brent]: Okay

[Janis]: Write down your goals, whether they're big or little. Write them down so that you can see them and put them somewhere that you can see it. Neuropsychologists have this concept called the generation effect, which has nothing to do with ages.

[Brent]: Okay

[Janis]: But it's the idea that if you create something in your brain, you're more likely to remember it. So, if you have a goal and your supervisor hands you this goal, that's their goal, you're not going to remember that as well as you would something that you sit down and you go “what do I want to achieve here? Or what do I want to change?”

[Brent]: It’s almost like rewriting it, but from your perspective. Yes.

[Janis]: Yes. But what happens is when you create your own goal, it creates a picture in your brain, and we're going to remember a picture better than we are something that we read. Now, when you write it down, you have to actually recreate that picture in order to write it down. So, it has a double effect.

[Brent]: That’s good.

[Janis]: So, you create the goal, but you write it down and so, it reinforces itself and you're more likely to remember it. I mean, I encourage a lot of my people that I work with to make things visual. I know I've had a couple of clients, and they're trying to work together on a financial goal to get rid of debt and I've actually had them-- It doesn't do much for the aesthetics of their house, but I have them put a large whiteboard on the wall and write down their spending, their goals, and their progress that they're making.

[Brent]: Very good. I also think that if we're breaking an old habit, we need to ask ourselves, what again are we getting out of it? Inappropriate response to a real [Unintelligible] need. We have to identify that and realize “okay, what benefit--?” Because we wouldn't do these things if there wasn't some benefit, you know?

[Janis]: Right

[Brent]: Either “well, it just kind of chills me out and relaxes me” or “it gives me a high” or “it causes me to just forget about things for a while” or whatever it is. “What is it that I'm getting out of it?” and then, I've got to begin to think about what's an alternative or what's a replacement that's healthier, that's more life giving and so, if I'm drinking too much coffee because I just need that stimulation to get me through the day--

[Janis]: I’ll get you one right after the podcast.

[Brent]: What's a better way to do that? It might be every little bit. Instead of going to the coffee pot, it might be taking a walk or going up and down the stairs or something that gets natural endorphins or adrenaline going and moving that gives me a healthier way to respond to that. That's better for my stomach, you know? And better for my anxiety and blood pressure and all those kinds of things and so, we've got to find-- Again, what's the new path, got to recognize If I'm doing some-- It's doing some for me and what is that and how do I develop a healthier path.

[Janis]: I think it also helps to have support or accountability.

[Brent]: Yes. For sure.

[Janis]: I know for a lot of us accountability is a bad word, but things like, I mean, remember when the kids were young and I used to run every morning at six?

[Brent]: Yes, yes.

[Janis]: Well, probably the thing that motivated me the most on the days that it was snowing or something I just didn't want to get out of bed, was that I had a friend that was waiting at the stop sign, and we'd agreed unless it's like, slick outside or unless it's torrential thunderstorms, we're going to run no matter what. So, I'd wake up and go “oh, I don't want to get out of bed, but she's standing out there with the snowflakes on her, I need to go”. So, having that type of thing is really, really helpful. Addictions, you need professional help, you do need to be a part of AA or NA or some other type of support group. You don't want your spouse to be your accountability because that's going to set you up for a parent/child role. “You need to do that. You said you were going to run” or “you said you weren't going to drink” and so we need that accountability, or support would be a better word for this.

[Brent]: Yeah, somebody that's not trying to hold me accountable, but somebody I've asked and invited into that.

[Janis]: Yes, exactly.

[Brent]: And it's just “walk with me in this and help support me and encourage me in the process”.

[Janis]: Or “go to a movie with me on Saturday afternoon when that's a time that I usually fall into some of my bad habits. Will you just go to a movie with me each Saturday afternoon as I'm breaking some of the habits that I have here?”.

[Brent]: Yeah

[Janis]: One thing I encourage people all the time is don't try to change too much too fast. We all are so prone to that “I'm going to have a new life” and I think all of the stuff that's out right now about having a good morning routine, it's great, but what happens is people go “Okay. So, I'm going to get up at five and I'm going to exercise, and I'm going to pray for half an hour, and I'm going to do this and I'm going to do that” and it's too much, too quick. We need to give ourselves grace to do things little by little by little and not change everything immediately. One of the ways that I've found that really helps people develop new habits is add a new habit onto an old habit. So, it's called habit stacking. So, I remember when the kids were little and we were constantly unloading the dishwasher and loading it again. I remember first thing in the morning, I would get up and I would start to unload the dishwasher and then I realized-- Then I'd go “no, I don't want to do this”. But then I would realize if I started my coffee in the time it took for the espresso to get hot enough for me to steam the milk, I could unload the dishwasher.

[Brent]: Good.

[Janis]: So, it became automatic to do that kind of thing. So, it's not “I'm going to go totally reorganize my bedroom all at one time”. It's “okay, I always get my phone at this point every morning. So, I think I'll just clear off my nightstand to make sure that it's clean” and then as you add the second one and it becomes more normal, then you can add a third, then you can add a fourth, and you can have a routine and make that new groove in your brain.

[Brent]: Yeah, good.

[Janis]: I think of it a lot like you with making the bed. As I've said before, Brent makes the bed on autopilot. It is so ingrained in his brain, he automatically stands up, gets out of bed, and makes the bed. So, that's what we're looking for, habits that we can go on autopilot.

[Brent]: And it takes about 8 seconds, maybe twelve.

[Janis]: Those of us that weren't good at it are learning that. The other thing that's helpful, I think, is to write down your progress. To look at “here's my goal and here's where I'm going” and again, it goes back to that. You're recreating that image in your brain, so it's going to reinforce what's going on and then, because I'm me, I say you have to reward yourself.

[Brent]: Yes

[Janis]: You know, when the going gets tough, the tough gets presents. So, you have to reward yourself. As long as it's not another bad habit that you're trying to get rid of. It’s got to be--

[Brent]: Exactly. Yeah, or another unhealthy thing.

[Janis]: Exactly. It's got to be something that's positive. So, maybe I say I want to add the habit of exercising. “So, if I exercise today, then I can watch two episodes of that Netflix show that I really want to watch”. So, it's something I might do anyway, but I didn't exercise, but it feels like it's a privilege. Or if you're a person that really likes running and you don't get to do it very much, then it's “all those papers that I'm procrastinating on doing something with. If I get through that pile, I can go run, and I can run at that fun park that I really like to run at instead of just in the neighborhood”. So, it's giving us a reward for the things that we're doing right and then I think the last thing is you have to accept that you have setbacks.

[Brent]: Yeah

[Janis]: None of us are perfect. We're going to do good, then we're going to slip back, then we're going to do good, and then we're going to slip back. The important thing we do is begin again and we have to remind ourselves of that in all areas of our lives. We're never going to be perfect, so we just go “okay, I didn't do that. I want to do that. I'm going to pick up and I'm going to begin again”.

[Brent]: Yeah. Remember, it's such a good point that this is not about becoming good people.

[Janis]: Right

[Brent]: Or perfect people. It's not about that, it's about thriving, it's about enjoying this life.

[Janis]: And what works for me.

[Brent]: Yeah

[Janis]: What's good for me.

[Brent]: What's beneficial and what's life giving, and that can strengthen me so that I can be about doing good in the world, is the point here and so, we talked about why this is hard. We want you to know we're not giving you some little easy things, that we'll just do this and it'll be simple, it'd be false advertising. It doesn't work that way. Change is hard and part of that is because of the way our brains are designed, which there's a whole bunch of reasons that that's a really good thing and so-- But in all good things there's a bit of a shadow side to it that can be a weakness and so, our brains are amazing, and they can create new pathways, and we can change those old ruts and grooves and bad habits and change into new ones, but we have to pay attention to what's going on and be able to be honest with ourselves “Am I choosing some counterfeits?” and be able to recognize “okay, that is not life giving, but I still need to do something different here”. So, what are some of those steps? And you gave some wonderful things. Again, so I reinforce, don't take too big bites out of this, start small.

[Janis]: Right. Little by little.

[Brent]: So, maybe today as we just wrap this up, think about maybe one or two-- You know, we have people kind of start thinking about goals or new things that they want to implement, and sometimes they'll come up with these long lists of stuff and I say “okay, what are one or two of those things that would be the easiest things to put into place, but you get the biggest return on the investment? Let's start there. Let's build and slowly move down that path” and if we follow often enough, follow through with this often enough, then we can develop these new pathways.

[Janis]: Yeah

[Brent]: And so, we are hoping and trusting that as you take hold of some of this and you take some steps in a new direction, we got to go a new direction for a long enough period of time and so, we're trusting for some new places in your life and some new freshness and vitality and so, as we go today, peace to you. Blessings as you go.