Necessary Endings (Change: Part 3) Episode 33

In this session, Brent and Janis look at “necessary endings”. When we come face to face with roles or relationships that have become toxic or draining, why is it a healthy thing to do some pruning?

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The Life & Love Nuggets podcast will help you learn valuable insights into relationships, life, and love. Brent and Janis have been empowering couples through pre-marriage and marriage therapy in their private practice, Life Connection Counseling, since 1982. They recently retired after forty years of pastoral ministry and are continuing to help individuals, marriages and families in their private practice.

The podcast is produced by Clayton Creative in Tulsa, Oklahoma. The content should not be considered or used for counseling but for educational purposes only.

Transcript:

[Brent]: Hello, friends. Welcome back to Life & Love Nuggets. We're so glad that you're here. We enjoy being with you during these moments we have together. This is episode, I think, 33.

[Janis]: [Unintelligible]

[Brent]: We're moving forward here. We mentioned a couple times ago, if you are being helped by any of this, if it's meaningful to you, certainly to kind of follow us on whatever--

[Janis]: Whatever you're listening or watching us.

[Brent]: However you find us.

[Janis]: However you find us.

[Brent]: And even to mark a review, send some kind of review is always helpful to help other people find this.

[Janis]: Yeah

[Brent]: And if you're wanting-- If it would be helpful for you for this to keep going, it'd be nice to have some help with that and you can go to lifeandlovenuggets.com/donate. It'll kind of make it real easy and just anything kind of helps this process keep moving. So, we're continuing our series today looking at change. The thing that we've realized is that the only thing that stays the same in life is change.

[Janis]: Everything changes.

[Brent]: Everything changes, nothing stays the same. Now, some personalities are easier with that than others. So, I kind of fight that in my life, but I've realized that this is the way it works and so, today we're going to talk about the idea of necessary endings. Henry Cloud wrote a book a number of years ago called Necessary Endings. The primary focus of the book is for businesses to adapt in a kind of changing economic culture, but boy, it has lots of wisdom for our lives and our relationships and so, we started in part one. We talked about these natural changes that are going to happen, the inevitable changes that take place: aging, kids growing up, moving to a new job, new city, all those kinds of things, they're just inevitable and then, we also talked about things that are just forced upon us: a loss of job, a divorce or death of a loved one, or natural disasters that just really require time.

[Brent]: These things, we don't get past this quickly or easily. You know, we've talked about grief and it's really a process that takes time. Then, last week we talked a little bit about things that we recognize inside of us that we really do need to change, that we have a certain way of being in life and that we're -- A certain way of living that has kind of developed certain neural pathways in our brain, that we just are going to keep doing it that way and we realize that some of those are not very productive for us and that we need to really work at that and so, we talked about that a little bit last time. But this idea of necessary endings, these necessary changes that we don't really want to make, but can help us grow and be healthier. These are, again, necessary endings. It might be a certain relationship in our life that has just become toxic. It's not productive in our life and yet, it's somebody from high school that we feel like we supposed to kind of hang out with because we always have, but it just is not healthy for us anymore. It might be a certain commitment or volunteering for a certain agency or whatever that has just become a duty and it really is taking away from a lot of our other priorities and so, we're going to talk about that a bit for the next little bit.

[Janis]: Yeah. We may have a hobby or a habit or an addiction that in the past helped us and we worked on how we change those types of things. But we're talking about other things. They're not just things that we don't like and that aren't good for us. They're things that are really destructive or distracting in our lives. So, it's something like, you know, “I dread my job so much that it's causing me anxiety and it actually has gotten to the point where it's causing me health problems” or “maybe that high school friend that I'm meeting with out of duty or obligation really is leading me into habits I don't want to be going into or maybe doesn't like my spouse and it's causing me to have a negative slant on things”. So, it's not just things that we don't necessarily like or go “that's not so good for me”. These are things that really can be destructive and sometimes even toxic in our lives, but we have trouble letting go with them.

[Brent]: We do.

[Janis]: We feel like we need to hold on to them. I've had several clients over the years that have been in business relationships, either working for or owning a business with their ex-spouses.

[Brent]: Oh boy.

[Janis]: And it's not going well.

[Brent]: Really? What a shocker.

[Janis]: Yes, and they know it needs to end, but they oftentimes say “I don't know what I would do”. Sometimes we hold on to things that don't work because we don't see other options. We get limited vision and so, we stay stuck in that. I usually work with them to talk about what are some other options and also to kind of get them to weigh out. “Is it worth it being in this relationship? Would I rather have less money and not be in a controlling toxic relationship?”. But change is hard. It's hard for us to let go of some of that and what I've realized is that we have to really know that good things can happen if we let go of something. I think it's easy for us to hold on to something if we don't see that God has good ahead.

[Brent]: Yeah

[Janis]: If it feels like we're just doomed and so, we do have to look at “do I believe that God has good things ahead for me or has good things in the future?”

[Brent]: Sometimes even the things we're letting go of can be good. It doesn't mean they're all evil or toxic.

[Janis]: Right

[Brent]: We might just have too many goods.

[Janis]: Yes

[Brent]: There's too many things going on, you know?

[Janis]: Yeah

[Brent]: And it's actually taking away from the highest priorities. Even though the other priorities may be fine or good, they're not horrible, but it doesn't let the highest priority thrive.

[Janis]: Yeah, but I think when we let go of something, it can be scary. I think the unknown is scary for everybody. It’s “should I stay with the bad that I have or the overcluttered life that I have? Is that better than the unknown?”. I always have to remind myself the unknown is not unknown to God.

[Brent]: That's right.

[Janis]: It's just unknown to me and so, if I can trust in Him, I know that even if I go into the unknown, I'm going to be okay.

[Brent]: Good.

[Janis]: But it's hard. I mean, a lot of times I'll tell my clients, it's kind of like, I've never been a trapeze artist.

[Brent]: You haven’t!?

[Janis]: I don't know if you knew that. I know, I know. Shocking. But it's what I imagine. If you're on a trapeze and you're swinging by yourself and you want to catch another bar and so, that time that you swing, you have to let go of the first bar to grasp the second one. But there's a fraction of a moment in there that you're not holding on to either one and I think that's what it feels like sometimes when we're having to cut off something that was so much a part of our lives. It's like “I'm in that empty space”. But I always remind myself and my clients, God has a safety net.

[Brent]: That's good.

[Janis]: We always can pick up and go again if we mess up.

[Brent]: Yeah. So, it really impacts how we see the world, how we see God. Because if we think there's a limited amount of good, that it's not bigger than our perspective, then holding on to the good that I have, I'm going to keep holding on to that.

[Janis]: Yeah

[Brent]: Even though it's not best, I'm still going to hold on to it and so, it's a realizing that God sees things beyond what we see.

[Janis]: Yes, and he’s good and we can trust Him.

[Brent]: And he's unlimited.

[Janis]: Exactly.

[Brent]: The good is unlimited. So, change is hard, even necessary changes that will make us healthier and happier. It's easier to just kind of keep doing the same old thing. The problem is we end up waking up oftentimes feeling trapped. We've kind of lost part of ourselves, and we're just kind of wondering what's happening and we realize there's a need for change. Some things have to end. It's a little bit like pruning., you know? Just like you've not been a trapeze artist, I've not been a professional botanist.

[Janis]: You do water plants well though. I will say,

[Brent]: I do water the plants. You pick them out and I plant them and water them.

[Janis]: Yes

[Brent]: And so-- But sometimes I've been told that you have to prune what looks like a healthy part of the plant, so that another part can thrive and so, it requires us to be proactive and sometimes then pruning. The idea of pruning then, it's whether it's a thing, whether it's an activity, whether it's a person, that we do have to prune some of those things, and that's scary.

[Janis]: Some of it is diseased branches. You know, if you look at a plant, some of it is diseased branches that we need to cut off. But scripture alludes so many times to the fruit in our lives. Well, really to produce fruit, we may have to cut off some things that seem healthy in order to put the energy in that plant into producing fruit and that's confusing.

[Brent]: That's hard.

[Janis]: Oh, it's so hard.

[Brent]: To trim off a beautiful flower.

[Janis]: Yes.

[Brent]: So that the rest of the plant can grow better.

[Janis]: Yes. You know, it's interesting with my clients, I've been hearing a lot lately, people going “well, I should do this and this and this, and I should do this and I don't volunteer at this school, I just don't have the bandwidth for it” and they say it like that's a negative thing. None of us have the bandwidth for everything.

[Brent]: We are limited creature.

[Janis]: We are limited creatures and we do have to accept that and sometimes that's hard to accept, that we have limits. But I do think we have to look at our lives and say “what is fruitful? Is this fruitful for me and for other people around me? Am I doing this out of duty or obligation? Is it possibly toxic?”. You know, we do a lot of things a lot of times out of guilt and obligation and I'm not convinced that that's the best for us.

[Brent]: Really?

[Janis]: Yes.

[Brent]: Those aren't good motivations? Guilt and obligation and fear, those are such good motivations for life.

[Janis]: I do think we've talked about this a lot of times, how people have pride in being overly committed.

[Brent]: Yeah, yeah.

[Janis]: It's like “oh my gosh, we're so busy, we don't have time to do this and we don't have time to do that.”.

[Brent]: A little merit badge.

[Janis]: Yeah, and so, when we prune things back, we don't look as impressive, but that's when the fruit grows.

[Brent]: That's good.

[Janis]: And so, we have to make ourselves prune some things back.

[Brent]: Yeah. Very good. So, part of the reason that we believe this is a right and good thing to do, is because we do feel like it follows kind of three ultimate truths in life. The first one is that we're wired for this. I mean, we have-- You know, we've got six little grandbabies. It's been a little while since we had our own little baby, but six little grandbabies and they were all weaned at the right time, right? From mother's milk, milk, until eating solid foods. This is a natural giving up that we need to. Even though it was good, it's not best for us in our development as babies and then, we've got one of ours just took off walking last couple of weeks.

[Janis]: Yes

[Brent]: You know, again, they were standing around, walking around the tables and all that kind of stuff, and then just took off.

[Janis]: And now he walks straight to the pool.

[Brent]: Yes

[Janis]: So, we have to grab him quickly.

[Brent]: Yes, absolutely. But that's another progression. Ending grade school, moving on to middle school, graduating high school, getting married. There is necessary endings. I've got to stop going to grade school when I go to junior high school. I've got to stop going to high school when I go to college, and when I get married, I stop being a single person and living the way a single person lives and it changes us and so, these are normal progressions of life. These are actually healthy the way God designed us and so, we're wired for this.

[Janis]: And so, really there's a death that's involved, and that's hard because death is painful and we've talked before about how we grieve things, and it almost feels counterintuitive in some necessary endings, but it's what we have to have in order to go into our new life.

[Brent]: Yeah

[Janis]: So, it's kind of like a seed has to die in order for a plant to come, and it's just too easy to want to hold on to something. But I have seen over the years, I really believe it's true that if God is moving one person to change or end the relationship, there is growth for the other person as well. He loves them too and so, he has good ahead for them and so, we have to remember God's good and he is going to work in all of our lives.

[Brent]: Yeah

[Janis]: I had somebody telling me the other day, I can't remember who it was, but they said “yeah, I haven't gone back to my counselor anymore because it just wasn't working for me. We just didn't fit. We didn't have the right personalities and we just didn't fit. So, I haven't gone back and I'm looking for somebody else” and she goes “I feel guilty with Beth, the counselor” and I said “you know what? As a counselor for a gazillion years, if it wasn't working for you, it wasn't working for her either”.

[Brent]: Right. Right.

[Janis]: “She may have tried to keep you there, but she probably was like ‘oh, good that person didn't come back, because that was a really awkward situation’”. So, recognizing that we think we're going to totally destroy someone, but oftentimes when we make a change, almost always-- If it's a God given change, I should say, then it's best for the other person as well.

[Brent]: Yeah. So, it requires a death. Then, the third one is the universe is designed for endings and so, one of the best expressions of this is Ecclesiastes Three. You know, it talks about all these seasons and times for things. It says that there's a time to give birth, and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planting-- Is planted. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down, and a time to build up. A time to weep, and a time to laugh. A time to mourn, and a time to dance. Time to throw stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace, and a time to shun embracing. A time to search and a time to give up; Give it up as lost. A time to keep, and a time to throw away. A time to tear apart and a time to sew together. Time to be silent, time to speak. Time to love, a time to hate. Time for war, and a time for peace and so, all of these movements in our culture, this is the way the universe works. You know, there are times to hate something that's happening in our life that is causing harm and we don't have to hate the person, but we need to hate the dynamic of what's going on there. There's, again, a time to pull people close and there's a time to let go. So, this necessary endings is really part of how the universe is designed to work.

[Janis]: I remember we had a friend that was going through cancer and in her treatment, the next treatment she was going through, they said it was going to really almost destroy her immune system and they had to do that in order to fight the cancer and she said, everything within her was like “why am I going in when my immune system is going to be killed?”

[Brent]: Yeah. To kill something, yeah.

[Janis]: And then the scripture came to her and it was like “okay, there is a time to kill, there's a time to uproot, there's a time to tear down in order to have the full, healthy life that we want to have and that I think God has intended for us”. We tend to think that endings are something that have gone wrong or that are a mistake, but God so often uses endings. I look back in our life and my life individually, and I see things that at the time were endings and I thought they were so wrong and they were so terrible and yet now, many years later looking back, I go “oh, that's what I needed in order to get here. I couldn't have gone forward anymore with that still in my life”. So, even though I felt like it was forced upon me, it really was God doing good things in my life.

[Brent]: Yeah, yeah. One of the ways that we can kind of identify whether we got problems in this area and whether something needs to end is just kind of our stress. Now, stress is not all evil. I mean, it requires some stress for us to get out of bed, okay?

[Janis]: Right

[Brent]: And yet, in our culture stress can be so harmful and it's causing so much damage in people's lives. But people accumulate roles in their life that they're not even recognizing. You know, our world is just about adding, adding, adding, adding, adding and so, if we were to-- Most of you aren't watching, but if you were watching, I'm holding my hand up here as high as I can. We all have an upper level of stress and so, if you had a piece of paper and you draw a horizontal line, that would be the upper limit of stress and underneath that line are all these different lines that go up and down a little bit like, the stock market, up and down and up and down. That represents each of the roles in our life and those stack on top of each other. So, one of the roles in my life is a husband; that's up and down. It takes extra energy some days, it's just smooth sailing the next day and it's just up and down. I'm a parent; that's another role that I have of four children. I'm a grandparent of six children and again, goes up and down with the stress that that requires.

[Brent]: I'm a business owner. We run a practice and requires to take care of the buildings and handle the finances and then, I'm actually a practitioner, I'm a therapist and we have a podcast and so, I'm a friend, I'm a son, I'm a brother and all of those stack on top of each other and again, up and down, the stress is up and down and as those stack, eventually if we have too many of those and if some of the peaks on some of those stack on top of each other, it will start moving us above that line, which is an upper level that all of us can handle. Now, it's a little different for every personality, for every person, but if we start peeking above that line, the official technical term is we start unraveling.

[Janis]: I haven't seen that in the diagnostic manual. Yeah. okay, we unravel.

[Brent]: Well, it’s we unravel, okay? Now, it is different for everybody. For some, they start having panic issues, they get high anxiety. For some it's depressed and they hate their life and they just don't want to do anything and they're just sunk. For some it's like “I've got too much stress. So, I'm going to medicate, self-medicate with some activity over here, some kind of counterfeit that's just going to help me not feel this stress” and the only way that we get ourselves below that line is, if we've got to look at each of those roles and if there's one of those that we could eliminate right now, then everything else kind of pancakes down and it gets us below that line.

[Brent]: So, it might be that I love this, you know, teaching this class at church or at my work, but right now, this season of my life, is probably not the time to do that. Now, there may be another season I could pick that back up again and it could be, again, an obligated relationship that you have where I feel obligated to meet with this person this frequently and I start “maybe I could spread that out. It wouldn't be quite as often”. So, it requires that we end something. We've got to stop something to get ourselves back below that line and so, one of the just practical steps I have people do is just start making a list of all the roles, just like I said, all those and there's a few that I'm thinking of now that I even forgot, okay? Even though we retired as pastors a few years ago, we had all those roles and all the different things that were involved in that and yet, we still try to help out there, there's still certain things that we do.

[Brent]: We're spiritual directors and we try to meet with a few people, helping them with that. But if we can get a clarity on what all of our roles and responsibilities are, then that can get us moving below that line, and it just helps us identify “something's got to end here. I can't do all of this. I am limited. I can't do all of this” and then, a friend of ours, Dave Jewitt, who runs an organization called Your One Degree. So, the idea is, out of 360 degrees, all of us have this one degree that we're kind of designed to be about, the idea of kind of a unique purpose and he has this brilliant principle, simple and brilliant. Most brilliant ideas are pretty simple.

[Janis]: Are simple.

[Brent]: Is that there are things in our life that are green lights, there are yellow lights, and there are red lights. Green lights are those things that energize us. I mean, they just light us up. I mean, we would do those things even if we didn't get paid for it, you know? We feel as we give out, we get something back. Then, there are yellow lights, which are things that we can do, you know? My personality works where I can manage our personal finances. I can manage our practice finances. I can do all of that. I'm skilled to do it, I do a good job at it. It doesn't light me up, but I can do it. It's just kind of a neutral and then, there are red lights. Oh my gosh, these are things like, I'm sticking forks in my eye. I mean, it's just like they're just drainers. You know, they just suck life out of us and the idea is, as we get these roles kind of laid out on what we're doing here, then we can kind of start looking at “okay, what are those? Is that a green light? Is that a yellow light? Is that a red light?”. Now, if you're going through marital stress, we're not suggesting “well, that's a red light, so I'll just get rid of that”.

[Janis]: Right

[Brent]: Okay? We're not suggesting that.

[Janis]: No

[Brent]: But there may be some things that are just obvious, that those red lights start glaring, that “this is an obligation, this is a stress, it's toxic. I feel like I've got to make that phone call once a month to this person out of obligation, and yet I just dread it. I feel stressed. Two days going before and afterwards”.

[Janis]: It's when we have that thought “why am I doing this?”.

[Brent]: Yes, exactly.

[Janis]: That's usually a good sign.

[Brent]: Yeah. So, identifying the roles and then looking at green, yellow, and red. Again, if our marriage feels red right now, then we need to get some help, because that is one of the other ways that can get us below that stress line, is if one of those roles is peaking too high. Well, if we can get some help with that and learn how to manage that one better, then it's kind of like rolling hills instead of rocky mountain peaks, and that can get us below that line. But it's just a sense of we got to identify this stuff. We've got to recognize what's going on, wake up, pay attention, and “what do I need to move towards?”.

[Janis]: Yes, and we need to sometimes get help with that. As we say “oh my gosh, I see this that I need to or I think I may need to end”. Sometimes it's just good to get somebody else to bounce it off and to talk it all through with.

[Brent]: Yeah, that’s right.

[Janis]: You know, I think in ending relationships, we have to stop and not rush into it, as you said. But to say-- I mean, I'm talking about all relationships, but to really stop and go “is there the possibility there could be change here? And if there is, what would that take? Do we, as you said, need to get counseling? Do I need to learn more communication skills? What do I need to do? Or have I hung in here for so long that if I'm here next year, I mean, if I get to next year, I'll be in the same place? That it's absolutely not going to change?”. We also have to look at our patterns, the things that we picked up from childhood. I mean, there's some people that it's very easy to end things, and they go “that's dead to me. I'm no longer going to do that. That's over” and if that's you, then you need to stop and say “is this really something that I should cut off?”. If you cut off things too easily “is this something I should cut off? Maybe I do need more wisdom from somebody else, or I need to take more time”. Because sometimes they could be just running from pain in a situation, like you said, that could go to counseling, that they could work on it, and things could get better.

[Brent]: Yeah

[Janis]: But then there's also some of us that tend to be loyal to a fault, and we hang on and we hang on and we hang on in situations that aren't going to change and we have to accept the fact that we do need to let go of certain things.

[Brent]: Yes, we've talked about the scripture that talks about, as much as it's up to us, “live at peace with all men”.

[Janis]: Yes

[Brent]: I tell people “As much as it's up to you, there are some people in the world that are just not peaceable and I don't care what you do, it's never going to be peaceable and so, we can't fix them. We have no control over them. We have to make the choice then sometimes to end things”.

[Janis]: Yes

[Brent]: And so, this is a big deal. It's not something to do lightly, it's not something to it's going to just be quick. There are support groups, there are counseling, there's all kinds of support in our culture to help make these meaningful, lasting changes.

[Janis]: Do them carefully and prayerfully.

[Brent]: Yes

[Janis]: Don't just go mow your life down.

[Brent]: Yes

[Janis]: We have to be selective and say “is this the right thing?”.

[Brent]: Yeah, yeah, and know that change can be scary, but we trust and believe that God's heart is for all of us to be able to lead a fruitful, vibrant, joyful life and oftentimes, we have to make some decisions that are hard decisions to be able to do that.

[Janis]: Yes. I want to end with a story, as I often do, but this isn't a personal story.

[Brent]: Okay

[Janis]: Just as I talked about trapeze artist earlier, this is a great story from Henry Nauan that I love, and it’s-- I'll just start the story.

[Brent]: Okay

[Janis]: When the circus came to Freeburg two years ago, my friends Franz and Rennie invited me and my father to see the show. I'll never forget how enraptured I became when I first saw the Broadleys move through the air, flying and catching as elegant dancers. The next day, I returned to the circus to see them again and introduced myself to them as one of their greatest fans. They invited me to attend their practice sessions, gave me free tickets, and asked me to dinner, suggested I travel with them for a week in the near future. I did. We became friends.

[Janis]: One day, I was sitting with Rodley, the leader of the troop, in his caravan, talking about flying. He said “as a flyer, I must have complete trust in the catcher. My public may think that I'm the great star of the trapeze, but the real star is Joe, my catcher. He has to be there for me with split second precision and grab me out of the air as I come to him in the long jump”. “How does it work?” I ask. “The secret”, Rodley said, “is that the flyer does nothing and the catcher does everything. When I fly to Joe, I have simply to stretch out my arms and hands and wait for him to catch me and pull me safely over the apron behind the catch bar”. “You do nothing?” I said, surprised. “Nothing”, Rodley repeated. “The worst thing the flyer can do is to try to catch the catcher. I'm not supposed to catch Joe. It's Joe's task to catch me. If I grab Joe's wrist, I might break them or he might break mine, and that would be the end for both of us. A flyer must fly, and a catcher must catch, and the flyer must trust with outstretched arms that his catcher will be there for him”. He goes on to say “Don't be afraid. Remember that you are the beloved child of God. He will be there when you make your long jump. Don't try to grab him. He'll grab you. Stretch out your arms and hands and trust, trust, trust. Trust the catcher. When we know we need to do something and we make that move, trust that God's going to catch us”.

[Brent]: Yeah, beautiful. What a great story. So, there may be something right now, even if you just hear us talk, that it's kind of surfaced, it's bubbled up. Either it's a glaring red light, or it's a relationship or situation that you know you need to let go of. You're the flyer. You can't just stand on the ground and do nothing.

[Janis]: Right

[Brent]: You do have to climb up.

[Janis]: You've got to get on the trapeze.

[Brent]: Grab a hold of the bar. You got to swing and proactively, and you got to let go.

[Janis]: Yeah

[Brent]: Trust that God is there to catch you. So, today, enjoy being with you. Go in peace. Blessings as you go.