Celebrating Motherhood (Episode 21)

In part two, Janis will be talking about the challenges and yet incredible joy of being a mom.

The Life & Love Nuggets podcast will help you learn valuable insights into relationships, life, and love. Brent and Janis have been empowering couples through pre-marriage and marriage therapy in their private practice, Life Connection Counseling, since 1982. They recently retired after forty years of pastoral ministry and are continuing to help individuals, marriages and families in their private practice.

This podcast should not be considered or used for counseling but for educational purposes only.

Transcript:

[Janis]: Welcome to Life & Love Nuggets. It's just going to be me today, because I want to talk about motherhood and about being a mom.

[Janis]: Being a mom is really my most precious role in life. I absolutely adore it. Now, being a grandma is pretty high up there too, but over the years I've spoken quite a bit in different places about parenting, but specifically about mothering, and I enjoy encouraging moms when they're in the journey, going along the way day in and day out of raising children and so, I want to share with you just some things that I've gathered together over the years, from my time speaking, writing notes in my journal, just things that have meant a lot to me.

[Janis]: The first thing I thought about is things I never thought I would say. Like “oh, honey, don't put a fork in your nose. I know there's corn in there, but we still don't put a fork in our nose” and yes, I actually said that or “don't let your brother suck on your toes, that's not okay”. I never thought I would say in the same evening, going from one room to another is “go to sleep, honey. Grades aren't that important. You really need sleep” and then walk down the hall to another room and say “study! Grades are really important! You can miss some sleep, you'll be okay”.

[Janis]: A thing that surprised me the most about being a mom though, I never knew I would be so willing to lay down my life for someone. Mother's Day is hard for some of us as moms. The Hallmark cards make it sound like every mom is a saint. One who never had the mom voice, you know, things like “why are those wet towels on wood furniture?” or never fantasized about getting in your car and just driving away.

[Janis]: When the kids were little and I had a really rough day, I imagined running away and living in a really nice condo in Arizona or New Mexico, anywhere that I didn't have to round up a bunch of small little kids’ winter clothes and do something with them. I dreamed that I would surround myself with antiques and rare books and china that couldn't be touched by small hands. I would wear white without prints at knee height or black without spit up on the shoulders. I know some of you experienced that, but the Target commercial moms or the Tide moms never act that way. They have a little stain and they frown over little stain, and then they get the solution and life is just peachy again. Those things don't show the nights where you've been thrown up on and pooped on or taken temperatures all night long and slept in a bed with a toddler sideways kicking you all night.

[Janis]: Now I have four kids. They're all grown now, 29 to 39, and they have kids of their own. My kids were very early talkers. They had a very large vocabulary at a young age, and they talked nonstop. They never noticed when the other kids were talking, they just looked at me and kept talking.

[Janis]: I remember one day when I was fixing lunch, thinking about Brent eating out in a really nice restaurant in a suit and starched shirt and tie, which shows you how long ago this was, because when do pastors go to work every day in a suit and tie? But they did back in those days. But I thought about him sitting there talking with other pastors and eating lunch, very relaxed and very peaceful and I looked over, and there were all four of my kids around the table, and three of them were talking to me all at the same time, totally unaware that anyone else was talking, and the baby was screaming.

[Janis]: So, I stopped right there in front of the sink, and I just screamed as loud as I could. There was a moment of complete silence, and then I just started laughing hysterically and the kids did, too. It got us through in the moment. TV commercials or TV shows don't show all of that, they don't show the agony of your middle schooler getting hurt by mean girls, and you know you can't talk it through with their parents because their moms are mean girls too.

[Janis]: No one tells you that when your heart-- No one tells you that when your child is sobbing over a breakup of a boyfriend or a girlfriend, that your heart breaks too, that the pain is almost unbearable. That you would go through it yourself to keep them from hurting. As moms, we would go through rejection, heartache, fevers, surgeries, anything for them to spare them pain.

[Janis]: And that's when we get a glimpse of the heart of the God, holy, mighty, all-powerful, creator of the universe and his heart breaks when our heart breaks. He feels our pain. He knows our pain.

[Janis]: Yes, God is like a mom in providing food and shelter and all of those needs, but I really see God in the “I want to take this pain from you. I love you so much. I want to spare you”. For God so loved the world, God so loved us that he gave his only son. He loves us that much.

[Janis]: But it gets confusing for us when we try to see the attributes of mothers or fathers in God, doesn't it? Because our human role models aren't always that great, including us with our own kids. I'm pretty sure that God doesn't scream at us if we talk too much. He's loving, he's patient, he's kind, even when we can't be.

[Janis]: One of the hardest things about being a mom is the idea that you have to let them go. I mean, not to be depressing mom, but from the time they're conceived, they are gradually growing away from us. The cells divide and then they start developing all of their organs, and then eventually, they start to have a heartbeat, and then they're born and they begin to breathe on their own. They are growing away from us more and more, so that they will become more self-sufficient.

[Janis]: Raising kids is a process of giving them a stable, healthy place to grow, knowing that you're preparing to let them go, launch them, and have their own lives. When I do parenting seminars, I talk about the inverted V of parenting. When they're little, we make most of the decisions for them. You know, you don't ask a two-year-old “what time are you planning on going to bed tonight?” or “would you prefer a bath tonight after you've played with them in the mud puddle? or would you rather wait a couple of days and live with all of the mud that's on you?”.

[Janis]: As they get older, we have to gradually release more and more of the decision making and responsibility for their lives into their hands. We have to begin to give them freedom to make choices, and even to fail while they're at home in a safe place before we launch them out. For a lot of years, I would get a college freshman at the end of his freshman year, and his parents. Now, the child, I've had them both male and female, would come in with the parents and the parents would say “they went to an entire year of school. We paid for an entire year of school and the child was enrolled, but we didn't get any credit for that”. In other words, pretty much the kid did go to school. So, I'm supposed to fix the child in this particular thing, and one of the first questions that I would ask them is “on the day you moved them to college, did you wake them up in the morning?” and usually, the mom will kind of blush a little bit and say “yeah, why?”. “Because if you're still getting them out of bed after they've graduated high school, if you're staying on top of everything that they have for homework, reminding them to study for the upcoming math test, they haven't learned that it's their life and not yours”.

[Janis]: They weren't able to launch successfully because as loving parents, we did too much for them. If we keep on top of everything in their world and don't allow them to take responsibility and failures early on and then send them away to college to make all those choices on their own, their failures to launch will cost more in time and money. We have to see where our role changes, and we need to let them go. Can we let them go to be who they're supposed to be? It's hard, isn't it? Because we love them and we don't want them to experience any pain, but they have to, to learn and grow. Pain is a part of all of our lives, and we grow through it.

[Janis]: I think about Hannah and for Samuel. She prayed so desperately for a child and then she was blessed with sweet little Samuel. She weaned him and then took him back to the temple and gave him over to God's work. She said to her husband “after the boy is weaned, I will take him and present him for the Lord, and he will live there always”.

[Janis]: She took him and spoke the words that many of us know well. “As surely as you live, my Lord, I am the woman who stood here beside you praying to the Lord. I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I ask of him. Now, I will give him to the Lord. For his whole life, he will be given over to the Lord”. Now, it's one thing to dedicate your life to the Lord, but she had to leave him there. I think I would have been “yes, Lord, I will leave him there when he's old enough, like 10, 12. Okay, 15. 18. 25? 40? Leave him, even though we don't know exactly how old he was”. Scripture lets us know that he was little. Each year, his mother made him a little robe and took it to him when she went up with her husband to do the annual sacrifice.

[Janis]: In the meantime, the priest that was teaching-- The priest that was teaching and watching over Samuel-- I'm sorry. In the meantime, the sons of the priest that was teaching and watching over Samuel were very evil and did wicked things. So, here's my sweet little boy with these bad, bigger boys. It had to be so hard. But Eli, the priest, taught Samuel to recognize and be open to the voice of the Lord and to speak God's Word faithfully. Must have been hard to let him go, but God placed him where he needed him to be, to become who God called him to be and he made a difference in the world.

[Janis]: Verse 19 says “the Lord was with Samuel, and he grew, and let none of his words fall to the ground. And all of Israel from Dan to Beersheba recognized that Samuel was attested to be a prophet of the Lord. The Lord continued to appear at Shiloh and there he revealed himself to Samuel through his word”. How about Elizabeth, John the Baptist mother? A miracle child that was born late in life. She could have tried to hang on. “This is my only child and he was a gift from God” or even “John, really, do you have to live in caves in the desert and dress like that?”. But Elizabeth knew he was called of God and released him to be who he was called to be.

[Janis]: Mary, the story-- The hardest story of a mother of all. Can you imagine watching your son go through all that? The controversy, the misunderstanding, some hope, and then betrayal, agony and death. Can we trust that God has a plan in what he's doing in our children's life? Can we allow them to go and trust God? Hannah trusted God for her son. So did Elizabeth and so did Mary.

[Janis]: As we go through Mother's Day and we're thinking about mothers and their role, I want you to ask yourself, can I give myself grace for this mistakes that I have made in Mothering? Do I trust him enough that I can give my kids, my life, my business, all of my concerns to him? Can I let go and know he's big enough to deal with it all and to really trust that he knows what he's doing? I can't say it enough. God's good, you can trust him. Things may not look like it right now, things may look like they're not going to turn out okay, but he hasn't forgotten where you are. He knows where your kids are, he knows what you're going through, and he knows what you're going through. It's safe to have blind trust in Him.

[Janis]: So, to close, I want to read something I wrote a number of years ago. I called it “My tribute to my mom” and I think it applies to moms of all ages. Let me read this.

[Janis]: For you in the midst of raising tinies, who have sleepless nights, spit up-- Spit up stained shoulders and jelly face kisses, you know the fear, anxiety, frustration, sleeplessness, and also the overwhelming joy of that first step, first word, and the first baby hug. You're tired and sometimes questioning. You're living in a world with little time or control or predictability and very, very little alone time. But deep down, you know you wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. The small hands, the tender cheeks, the musical giggles, and the wonder over butterflies and Elmo. In the dark or the tantrum afternoons, you wonder if you're enough, if you have what it takes to do this, to raise and protect this sweet little one. With God's help, you are enough. He gave you this little one to love.

[Janis]: For you in the primary years, you're in the discovery years. Who is this little flower that God has planted in your life? Are there learning disabilities? Will she be an athlete? Will people like him? Is she pretty or handsome? Is he top of his class or struggling to read? Will she hate that she has your hair or nose? Is the teacher really mean? Or have I raised an overly sensitive child? You have the incredible joy when he finally scores a goal in soccer or doesn't strike out in baseball. Your eyes fill with tears as she sings loud in the school production and you feel unbelievable love and joy as you look in on him sleeping, innocent, sweet, damp hair straight from the shower and yet somehow, still smelling like a puppy. You question if you have given them what it takes to walk into school tomorrow and become all that God has called him to be. You wonder if you're enough, if you have what it takes to help him discover who he is and be proud of it. With God's help, you are enough. He gave you this little one to love and to guide.

[Janis]: For you in the tween years. You know the concern over what he is being exposed to by friends or media or who knows what else. You worry that she's not happy with her body already, and that popularity seems way too important to all of them. You live through the heartbreak of not being invited to some oh so important party or being rejected by the person that was their best friend. You see glimpses of maturity peeking through every so often, surprising and sometimes so fleeting you think you've imagined it, but now it's a sign of what's to come. But you also glimpse the little one in them, still wanting to be close, to be loved and helped and reassured, but only on their terms and in their timing. Your baby, nonetheless. You wonder if you're enough, if you can be the rock they need in an unstable world. With God's help, you are. He has given you this one to study and to love.

[Janis]: For you in the teen years, you who seem to have become unimportant, irritating, and sometimes a curse in their lives. She needs you to guide the way, to set standards, to keep loving, to live as an example. He needs you to approve of him, to find his strengths, to point out what is right in him when his friends or even he himself, are constantly finding fault. She needs you to be her champion, her backer, the one who loves her unquestioningly, even when she has snubbed you in front of her friends or he's exploded over a request to unload the dishwasher. You're needed as a rock-solid presence, even though you question yourself all the time, wondering if you're doing this right, wondering if you're enough. You are. With God's help, you are. He gave you this one to guide and to love.

[Janis]: For you who have launched them, who have cheerfully moved her into the dorms or sorority house, who have chattered over decorations and classes, or if you have sons, have grabbed a few old blankets and made sure there was good internet and a refrigerator in their room. But then as you settled them in, you walked around the corner and held back the tears, or in my case, maybe not, and grieve the necessary but hard changes in your life that kids growing up brings, seeing the wonderful man or woman they have become and wondering if you're doing this right, if you're enough as they leave your home to make it on their own. Are you enough to be the mom of this young adult who shows only glimpses of that little toddler? You are. With God's help, you are. He gave you this one to love and to guide.

[Janis]: For you who have all grown up children, some with children of their own. You've seen the heartbreak of relationships, some marriages, sometimes divorce, childbirth or aching singleness. You've been through anxiety over their finances, their walk with God, their choice of jobs, whether they're in church or not. You've seen parts of you and your life that they have adopted as their own or outright rejected. You've seen your own strengths and weaknesses come out in their lives and occasionally, you remember, you see glimpses of the toddler in them, when she's gone running and has a pink face and sweaty hair. You remember her plane in the backyard fort that dad built. When he's working on a report for work, you see the face that concentrated so hard on his Legos, and you know her problems can't be fixed by you-- Allergies. Your problems can't be fixed by you anymore and you wonder, am I enough to be who she needs me to be? Can I give him what he needs from a mom as a grown up? And you are. With God's help, you are. He gave you this one to love and support.

[Janis]: I've heard that for a mom, your child is every age he ever was. He may not remember his baby years or toddler toys or middle school heartbreak, but you do and you get glimpses of his face at every age. You still have the memory of holding her when she cried her heart out over a boy that has long since moved out of your lives. You saw your child sleeping sweetly and peacefully as a baby, toddler, child, teen and grownups and mom, were blessed to have been allowed-- I thought I could get through this without choking up. And mom, were allowed to have been-- We are blessed to have been allowed to be there in all those years, in all those seasons. Even when we didn't feel like we were enough, God was there and is there to fill in the gaps, to do more than we could or can do. Wherever your child is, at whatever stage, trust him or her to God. God is enough.

[Janis]: I pray that you have a wonderful, wonderful Mother's Day and you celebrate your role as mom. Go in peace.