Attachment Styles – How knowing and understanding our style can lead to deeper levels of connection in all relationships (Episode 99)

Brent and Janis look at the subconscious beliefs and behaviors that develop from our relationship with our care givers at a young age.  They discuss the four styles of attachment and how realizing insecure styles, even though a necessary coping strategy as a child, may not be serving us well as an adult.  They look at how to understand our style and how we can push against our natural insecure styles and develop healthier ways to connect in our adult relationships. 

Transcript:

Welcome to Life and Love Nuggets, where licensed therapists Brent and Janice Sharp share how you can thrive in

your life, your love and your relationships.

Hello friends. Welcome to Life and Love Nuggets. This is our 99th episode. That's kind of a big deal. Next one will

be the really big deal.

Yes, it will. I think I should get presents for the next one.

Obviously. Yes, there's all kinds of reasons to get presents in life. So we are today going to talk about an interesting

topic in the counseling world in relationships. This affects our marriages, it affects our relationships with our

children, little children, big children. It affects friendships, really affects all kinds of things. And it's something that

oftentimes we're not even really aware of that's going on in our internal world. And so it's called attachment styles.

It's how knowing and understanding our style can lead to deeper levels of connection in all relationships. So we've

talked many times in our podcast that the greater our level of self awareness and other awareness we have helps

us in significant ways in building strong relationships in our life.

A certain amount of our behavior, I mean, the reason this is so important that self awareness is so important is a

certain amount of our behavior just kind of happens. We don't think about it, we don't plan it, we don't go, I'm going

to do that. It just happens and it's like a knee jerk reaction that happens to things and it's some kind of response or

reaction to our environment, kind of what's going on around us and internally. And unfortunately, these automatic

reactions aren't always the healthiest we have found really.

This is the times that we find ourselves doing or saying those things that our parents said to us, but we swore we

would never ever say that to our children or grandchildren. Things like that is just ridiculous. There's no reason for

you to be upset over that. To a two or three year old, we had good experience. We just had a 3 and 5 year old with

us for 10 days.

They're just wonderful humans. Oh my gosh. It stretched us, really. We, we did this with four. How in the world did

we do that?

We lived many years without sleep.

Yes, we did. Yes.

But we have to realize that those automatic or knee jerk responses are within us. And many people live their whole

lives without really understanding what's going on within them. How have they been impacted from their past and

so they never make adjustments or they don't grow and they just continue in the same unhealthy ways and really

unproductive strategies to try to get their needs met. Not really understanding ourselves affects so much in our

life. It affects our life choices, our relationships, it affects our self talk, and it affects our self esteem for sure.

I mean, one of the reasons we've been doing this podcast is to help us know this internal world that we all have so

we would know it more clearly so that we could live life to the highest possible level. I think about David's prayer.

Lord, search my heart. If there's something that's not best, not healthiest, help me to see it so that I can actually

bring it to you and you can provide some transformation and give me some guidance in how to change that. And

so this is something that is critical in all of our life and all parts of our life. This is why in counseling, when I have a

person kind of get this aha, so they all sudden begin to realize, oh my gosh, I realized what's happening in me, what

I'm reacting to or responding. I'm like really excited.

And I oftentimes go, oh my gosh. The fact that you just said that you were aware that because of this fear,

insecurity or whatever, you reacted this way in this situation is like I always say, it's kind of like the giant step for

mankind. It's like in some situations it's literally like 90% of recovery. Wow, is that self awareness now? The 10% is

still important. I mean, it doesn't just aha, doesn't fix it all, but without the aha as you, we just go on and cope and

live in the old coping strategies that just aren't working very well. And so it's really a big deal because when you are

self aware, you actually have some agency, you can actually change, choose, you have the power to actually do

something about that. And that's a big deal.

I think one of the saddest things that we hear in therapy is when somebody says, well, this is just the way I am. You

have to deal with it. I remember, gosh, earlier in my practice, a coup coming in and the guy said to her, you knew

where the train was going, where you knew where the train was going when you got on. If you don't like it, get off.

Oh, gosh.

So no need or not feeling a reason to change, because as adults we're all, if we're healthy, we're all growing and

changing. We all need to, yeah, we all need to be working on those things. So theory and psychology that we're

Going to talk about today is what's called the attachment theory. As you said, a researcher named John Bowlby is

usually credited as the father of the attachment theory. Now it's all over everywhere. There's articles in a Good

Housekeeping magazine on it right now. There's a lot of things. But attachment theory suggests that the bonds in

our relationships, friendships, and marriage. Excuse me. And even with our own children are impacted by the

connection or the lack thereof with our primary caregivers, our parents, in early childhood. Some people suggest

that this attachment significantly is affected in the first year of life.

Yeah. Yeah. That's why that. That initial part of life with children, that is hard. I would say the first six months are

like five years.

Yeah. We always said we'd have more kids if it wasn't for the first six months.

Oh, my gosh. It's like they don't. Do you not understand? We have not slept. You're awake in the wrong time of the

day. And to be able to respond to them in a healthy way, and that is challenging, but it's very impacting. So our

attachment style impacts our feelings, a sense of security, our sense of meaning. Am I important and valuable?

And it gives us the ability to build and sustain connections with others. As we discuss these styles, it's important

to know that these beliefs and behaviors about ourselves and. And the world become embedded in our

subconscious. And the reactions, again, as we've said, are more like automatic reactions than a consciously

determined thing.

And like everything else in life, if we can bring those things that we're aware of internally to our conscious

awareness, we're trying to bring things underground to our conscious awareness. We can actually change things,

and particularly those things that we recognize are not serving us well now.

Yeah. So according to research, there are four styles of attachment. So as. As we discuss this, Think about your

own childhood. Think about some of your experiences in childhood. The four styles, let me say real.

Quick, doesn't mean that we're all totally locked into one. You may. You may find yourself. Oh, my gosh. I think I'm. I

do some of that sometimes. I think I do some of that sometimes. And as we're going to talk about, we could have

been raised in the healthiest of families, but still have some of this kind of crop up in our life. Yes.

So the four styles are secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment. So the first style is secure

attachment. This is the healthiest place that we can find ourselves.

Let's just all say we're that.

Okay. Well, I'M pretty sure I am. Yeah.

And decide to be that.

I don't really have faults. Remember, I don't have any. Yes. But the secure style is developed when our caregivers

responded to our needs in a positive, consistent and reliable manner. So as a young child, when we would cry out

with a need or just cry or have something that we needed, eventually were able to put it into words. But our

caregiver responded in a positive and consistent manner to those needs. We could trust them. We could trust

them that if I'm uncomfortable, if I have something I need, you're going to show up and take care of me. That

creates a secure attachment. If we experience that, we learn overall that people are trustworthy and they're

supportive. So people raised in this kind of environment become trusting, empathetic, and responsive to others.

They tend to forgive more easily.

They have stronger sense of self, and so they can forgive other people. They can set up healthy boundaries if

boundaries are needed. They don't feel bad about establishing this is right for me. They're able to value their own

and their partner's independence. You are you and I am me. Believing that we're each uniquely independent

individuals. We're all different and we share our strengths, which is what we talk about in our book so often. It's our

two individuals coming together and sharing our strengths that really make a better whole. They tend to be

comfortable with intimacy and not overly preoccupied with feeling rejected or you're going to leave me after a

period of time because they have that connectedness. Generally we might hear from somebody that is securely

attached. It's easy for me to get close to people.

I can depend on them when needed and they can depend on me. Or I don't fear being abandoned or worry about

somebody getting too close to me.

Sounds pretty great.

That's why I say that's what I am.

It's just all determined to be that. Oh, that. We could all say that. That's our reality all the time. Again, as we go

through this, we're also going to see not only does this affect how we relate to other people, but also it impacts

how we relate to God. If were blessed to have developed a secure attachment with our caregivers, we would find it

easier to feel a secure attachment to God. We see God embodied in them. That I always say when kids are little,

parents are like, they're like gods. I mean, you provide everything for me. You're bigger than I am. You carry me

around, you know, you feed me. You do all this kind of stuff. And at some point, obviously it's up to us parents to

say, hey, I'm gonna let you down sometimes, but there's somebody that won't.

So if we have this secure connection with this caregiver, then it's just an easier natural kind of response to trust

God.

Yeah.

And so that's again the ideal. We would be able to trust him, depend that he would care for our future, that he has

our best interest in mind, all those kind of things. The next three that we're going to look at would all be considered

insecure styles. There's three different kinds of these. The second style is called the avoidant attachment style is

developed from caregivers who are distant, detached and disregard the child's needs. This would be children who

are neglected. So the child learns real fast that trying to share my needs doesn't make sense. I'm not going to get a

response. So why even try?

You know, we've heard of clients that at young ages, because of their parents dysfunction, they had to be

responsible for younger siblings, you know, whether they were 10 years old or 8 years old or whatever it is, that all

of a sudden now they're the parent. And so they couldn't get their needs met from anybody and they actually had to

take care of others. You can imagine that as adults these individuals are very independent. They act this way to

avoid potential rejection or a perception of being weak. So this, they just learned that this is the way I am

significant in life is that I'm strong, independent, I don't need anybody and I'm not going to get close to you because

I don't want you to reject me. They would certainly be uncomfortable with closeness and do not trust others with

their needs.

They would be emotionally distant and along with being uncomfortable sharing their own needs, they would be

dismissive and unresponsive to others needs because they will take care of yourself. I got to take care of me. You

take care of you. Yeah. You can imagine how this begins to affect marriage, relationships, friendships. We would

hear someone in this category say I'm uncomfortable with being close to another. I don't trust others and I don't

want anyone depending on me. It's very important that I'm very independent and self sufficient and my partner

oftentimes they would say wants me to be more intimate that I'm comfortable with. We can see how difficult it

would be for this person to develop emotional intimacy obviously in human relationships, as well as a natural

avoidance of a relationship with God.

Why even try to Believe in God or trust in God because there's, if there is a God, he certainly isn't safe, not

trustworthy. So why even go there? Right? Yeah.

The next style is the anxious attachment style. And these were children. These children found their caretakers

easy for me to say, were inconsistent. Sometimes they would positively respond to their needs and sometimes

they would completely ignore their needs. They never knew what they were going to have or what they were going

to find. So the child became uncertain and fearful whether their needs were even going to be met at all. So as

adults they can end up on two different extremes of a continuum. One end is very codependent. They're worried

about the relationship and trying to get their partner to care as much as they do. You're just not as invested in this

as I am. On the other end of the continuum they would develop jealous controlling and attention seeking behavior.

I'm going to make you pay attention to me.

I'm going to make you do the things that I want you to do. So these look opposite, but they're both desperate

attempts to get their needs met. We would find them saying I want to be extremely emotionally close, but others

don't seem to want to get as close as I do or I worry my partner doesn't love me or value me and he's going to

eventually abandon me. My need for closeness tends to scare people away. We could see this person easily

getting into a works oriented relationship with God. It's I have to earn God's love and I worry that I've done

something wrong and God's going to get mad at me or God's going to reject me.

So one of the things in looking at how this relates to our relationship with God, I think it's helpful for us to be

graceful to others.

Yes.

You know, we may wonder why a spouse or a child or a friend or whatever is just so disconnected with God or

fearful or works oriented or whatever. And realize, remember this is something that's just in the cells of their body.

They're not thinking about this. It's not a rational kind of thing necessarily where one person could hear a truth

about God and accept it more easily and another one is going to be skeptical about that and just realizing there's a

reason for that. Now again, as we're going to talk about we're not doomed. We don't have to just stay stuck in

these things, but to be aware of that in ourselves and in others can give us a real clear path forward.

And realizing so much of this was formed While were being developed, when were developing language, when

were understanding what the world was all about, when were figuring out words for things, so much of that was

developed so early on. Of course, it's deeply entrenched in us.

Yeah, so it's, again, I don't even know the right words, but it's just carried in us. You know, it's not that we, it's not a

rational thinking about it. And I have a lot of people go, well, why would this person not trust this, you know, or trust

that person or believe this, you know, when it's clear and realizing it's not that they're choosing to not do that, it's

everything in them is resistance. Because of this, the final style is what's called disorganized or fearful attachment.

The caregivers for this child's needs respond aggressively or hostile, causing the child to feel unsafe and

threatened. The child often experiences trauma and abuse from these kind of caregivers. You can imagine this

leads to confusion in relationships. They often view themselves as undeserving of love and support.

They're certainly going to have difficulty with trust and they have a lack of empathy for others because there was

no empathy shown to them. And they worry about their partner's commitment. They engage in this push, pull kind

of thing, which is very confusing for partners. Sometimes I want to be close to you and then I pull back. So it's this

back and forth and it's just certainly confusing to themselves, but it's also confusing to others. They don't

understand very well their own emotions because again, it wasn't safe to be, to have emotions and to share them.

And they downplay the importance of them in relationships because they're just, it's just too messy. Why would you

even go there? There's no value for those things.

We would find these people saying, I'm just uncomfortable getting close to others and I find it difficult to trust and

depend on them. I will get hurt if I get too close to my partner. Now we can see again in relationship with God. For

this person would struggle with shame that I'm just, there must be something about me that's not okay. You know,

when little people are traumatized or abused like this, they don't think, you know, oh, my parents have issues. Yeah,

you know, a one year old's not gonna go, my parents are like sick, bless their hearts, you know, or they're addicts or

they're this, that or the other. And they just go, I just Must not. Must be something wrong with me. I'm not okay. I'm

not. I'm not okay to be loved. And so shame would. Would easily dominate their.

Their thoughts.

And we carry that into adulthood. And when we enter into relationships, we each bring our own style of attachment

into the relationship, aside from our personality and gender. A lot in there.

Yeah, it's complicated.

It is complicated. You can see how understanding each of our past experience would be a key to joining with

somebody else. We got to figure out what's going on within us and what are some of those early patterns that we

have that impacts our relationship. These styles guide our belief and behaviors. The goal is to work towards a

secure attachment with another individual. So how do we do this?

Oh, it's just easy.

Oh, good. Okay, good. Do you have, like, another podcast of step one, two, three?

Oh, no, we're going to finish it right now.

I was hoping maybe it was a weekend to get all of our attachment.

Real quick and easy.

But one step is to start exploring our own childhood, our own experience, and that may be just spending time

journaling, reflecting. How was I raised? What are my relationships like? What are my fears and what are my

doubts? And you don't have to be afraid of having fears or doubts, because we all do have them. It's just part of

life. But the more things are brought to light, the better chance we have of learning new patterns. So the more we

go, oh, you know what? Because I was raised like that, this could be why I'm responding. And it helps us bring

something different to the relationship and change some things.

Yeah. And as you said, it's not just, well, this was raised. So this is the way I am. Yeah, it's okay. That's why I'm

having a tendency to avoid right now or to feel anxious right now. And so these are. Hopefully, this is just a

framework to kind of think about life and to do some internal reflection and. And so one step is to look at, okay,

where do I find myself in this relationship? Whether it's in my marriage, whether it's with an adult child, whether it's

with a young child, whether it's with a friend, Do I recognize there are times where I avoid. I pull back because I

don't want to be hurt and pay attention to that and go, I think I'm doing that with this friendship.

You know, I. I got a little close, and they got a little distant and quiet on me. And I'm wondering whether they really

like me or not. And so I just. I think I'M just going to pull back, realize, wait a second, that may not be the best step

here. Lord, help me with this. How do I bring that to youo? We're going to talk, you know, we have to then kind of

move against that, kind of do the opposite of what our natural tendency is, or if I'm having anxious response, you

know, if I'm fearful of my partner, seems distant, or do they really care about me in this situation and be able to

recognize that feel and eventually share it with our partner. And for growth purposes, we have to again, move

against our natural tendencies. I oftentimes talk about that.

Our natural tendencies are like we're in a float or something, floating down a river, a fast moving river, and we're

just in it, you know, and we don't even realize the river's necessary moving because it's just what we're comfortable

with, what we're used to. And so growth requires we recognize, oh, wait, that river is not going the right direction.

That is not a good healthy response. That's not gonna bring strength in the relationship. So I've got to step into the

river, point upstream and walk against that, which is gonna be hard. It's not gonna be an easy thing. We don't just,

oh, I'm this so I just won't do that anymore. It's okay. I realize I'm doing this in this situation. How do I move against

that? How do I do the opposite of what my natural tendency is?

And again, it's hard because it was ingrained from when were little, tiny, when our language was being formed,

when our perceptions were being formed.

So don't be surprised that it's going to feel, oh dear, what am I doing here? If I step towards this friend, they might

reject me, you know, But I still know that it's not healthy for me to avoid. And so the goal is to becoming again,

more self aware, be able to communicate that with our partner, our friends, whoever that is, openly and directly

about our own needs, our own fears. That's what moves a relationship forward.

And obviously our partner has to be willing to participate as well and to be supportive and affirming in the things

that we're discovering about ourselves and not.

Which could lead to if a couple's listening to this together or if you resonate with something, maybe sharing this

with your partner and say, it'd be interesting to talk about this, to see where both of us find ourselves and if this

gives us some insight into us and how we might be able to Bring all of our dynamics to the surface here. Now,

again, that may not go the way you wish it would go, but that would be awesome. You know, that would be a great

possible step.

It could. It might feel a little less risky to begin the process by looking at your relationship with God and asking

yourself, do I feel fully loved and accepted by Him? You know, what are some of my core beliefs about Him?

Oftentimes we don't think about that. That, do I feel like I have to work to get God's approval? Do I feel shame when

I think about God? Or does he seem distant or not caring? Or does he seem like he cares for others, but he doesn't

care for me? Looking at what are some of those beliefs that I have, those are clues to help you kind of look at your

own attachment style.

Michael Cusick, who I think a lot of the founder of Restoring the Soul in Denver, Colorado. His organization does

intensives with individuals and couples and just people from all over the country are coming and getting a lot of

help and restoring their soul. And he's written a book, a recent book called Sacred Attachment Escaping Spiritual

Exhaustion and Trusting in Divine Love. And in this book, he references these attachment styles and how that's

affected us in human relationships and relationship with God. And he shows that regardless of how we've been

impacted and where we find ourselves in this discussion today, that the most secure attachment we could

possibly find is what's considered a sacred attachment with God. He is the safest person.

But many people don't naturally feel that because of what their human relationships were like from caregivers, they

don't feel that they can trust in his love. And so he does a great job of really exposing the love of God in

relationship to these so that we can find again, healing, find greater levels of fullness of life. And so finally, as we

kind of wrap this up, whether you find yourself in one of the insecure styles, kind of where you find yourself,

because all of us have some of this because.

We'Re human, raised by humans.

Exactly. The more you learn about yourself and your attachment style, the more you can become secure within

yourself and secure within your relationship with God. The more that can happen, the more effective we are of

breaking out of some of these patterns that were developed in us that are not serving us well. That leads us to the

highest level of thriving that we can. And the whole purpose of thriving is not so that, yay, I just get to enjoy life

more. Certainly, I think God wants to bless us as if were the only ones he had created, but ultimately to be a

blessing to others so that we are the clearest reflection of the nature of God in the world.

The more we understand who God created us to be and how valuable we are and significant we are and how

trustworthy he is in our relationship, the better we can express that to the world. And so the beautiful thing we find

about God is that when we are real and honest and genuine and bring our messy humanness to him, then he

always has a way to move us through that, to find a place of transformation and growth. So hopefully there's

something today that might be insightful to you, might be helpful. Hopefully it gives you a little bit more grace

towards yourself if you find some unhealthy reactions that you have in relationships that you realize, okay, this is.

This is probably where I developed it, so that you're not hard on yourself and that can then move you forward.

And so we're trusting in that. And so for today, go in peace. Blessings as you go.

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